The first time I was ghosted, I didn’t understand what I had done wrong.
I met Chris in a little cocktail bar one rainy night in London not long after I had moved to the city (sidenote: my best friend has demanded that I never again date a guy called Chris… I’m cursed with guys called Chris). We had a fantastic date, one of my best ever, and it culminated with both a passionate kiss and an invitation to a second date. He texted me on the way home.
“I can’t stop smiling…,” he wrote, and oh my god, there is no better feeling than getting that text after making out with a ridiculously hot, ridiculously intelligent journalist named Chris, let me tell you. He was the inspiration for the second part of this post.
Over the next couple of days, we texted back and forth and made plans for our upcoming dinner date. And then, the day before, I texted him to confirm what time we were meeting. No response. That seemed a bit strange, but I tried not to let it bother me until the next day. By lunchtime – I would assume we were meeting only a few hours later – I texted again. Yes, oh yes, the dreaded double-text. But I was kind of worried, and very confused.
“Hey,” I texted. “Are we still on for tonight?”
And that, dear friends, is when I encountered my first ghost.
Before Chris, I don’t think I had heard the term “ghosting” before. It essentially means to just disappear on someone, leaving them hanging. This can occur in many ways – the good old-fashioned “he stood me up” bit – but nowadays tends to occur when someone simply cuts communication altogether. I’ve also heard this referred to as “blue-ticking” someone, meaning you can see that they read your message on WhatsApp (or whatever form of communication you use) but they didn’t reply.
I seem to recall a Sex and the City episode where Miranda gets stood up for a date, and her friends pipe in that he might have died. And – any SATC fans out there? – if memory serves me correctly, he really did die. OK. If someone ghosted on me and then literally turned out to be a real ghost i.e. he passed away… yes, I would take back any ill will I wished upon that person, obviously*.
Ghosting is sort of a funny term to me, because ghosts haunt you, popping up when you least expect them. The people who “ghost”, however? Oh no. They disappear for good. And it happens a hell of a lot more frequently than I first realised.
Case in point? I realised how prevalent ghosting had become when I told my friend about a guy who dumped me over a drink last year, and her first words were, “Aw, he actually broke up with you in person? That’s so sweet!” True story.
The second time I was ghosted, I didn’t understand why the guy ended up being such an asshole.
I met Mark in a crowded bar over thumping dance music and too many pints. He tried to kiss me on the dance floor, I got weirded out, and he convinced me to give him my number so he could take me out and make it up to me. To my surprise, he actually texted the next day.
It turns out Mark and I were a great match. We met up once or twice a week for a couple of months, and it was a really fun start to a relationship. I thought things were going really well; he even called me out of the blue once when he was feeling stressed, asking to meet up “because I always made things better.” It felt like we were on track to something great.
We were supposed to meet up on a Sunday night at 8pm in my local pub. I had even run into him the day before – we live in the same neighbourhood – and he had introduced me to his friends and said he was excited to see me. I texted him on Sunday afternoon to confirm I’d be at the pub at 8, but he didn’t respond.
“Weird,” I thought, but I obviously went to the pub anyway.
And… you know what’s coming. He didn’t show up. I texted again (I know, I KNOW… the double-text) and said, “You coming? Everything ok?”
I never heard from him again. But hey, at least I got another story out of it, because he was the inspiration behind this post (FYI, you really should think twice before ghosting a blogger, especially one who writes a series called The Last Time I Saw You, hah).
I wish that I could say that I played it cool and just let it go, but he really pissed me off. Two months of dating? Meeting each other’s friends? C’mon dude. That’s just mean. A few days later I wrote him a text saying I had expected more of him, and that I wished he hadn’t been such a coward. I mean, at least have the guts to send a quick text saying it’s over… right?
And that’s what gets me the most about ghosting. When someone ghosts you, you’re left in a state of limbo – the rational side of you knows that the person is no longer interested, but you still hold out a bit of hope.
There are those horrible few days when you check your phone a lot more than usual, thinking they might just have been really busy (although as my friend crudely but accurately says, “If you can shit, you can text”) or something happened to their phone (though with text, WhatsApp, Facebook, and email, just to name a few, that’s hardly an excuse anymore… not to mention you can easily see if someone has been active on social media).
Ghosting is such a cowardly act, and not only that, it’s rude. If you spend quality time with someone, or make plans with someone, why not have the decency to text a few lines to say if it’s not working out?
Nearly every unattached friend I have – of any gender – has told me that they’ve been ghosted at least once. And while it doesn’t get any easier to take, I have realised over the years that it can actually be a really good thing.
To reiterate, the people who ghost are either cowardly or assholes (or at least exhibiting asshole behaviour), or sometimes a combination of the two. When someone ghosts you, they’re showing you exactly who they are. They’re showing you that they are capable of acting quite selfish and inconsiderate… and why would you want to be with a person like that?
As one of my favourite people on the internet, Mark Manson, writes, if you’re in the grey zone, you’ve already lost. And if someone ghosts you, or frequently ignores your messages, you are definitely in the grey zone… in fact, there’s no doubt about it, you’re out of the game all together.
I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan
There really is no explanation why people ghost, although I think most people either a) have changed their mind and don’t want to/don’t know how to end it or b) find it the easy way out of something they’re not ready to define (although a friend of mine was ghosted after dating someone for a year. A YEAR).
It comes from a place of fear, as in, they’re scared of having to share their feelings and *gasp* put themselves out there for a potentially awkward text conversation that really only has to take up five minutes of their life. They may not be an inherently bad person, but ghosting is definitely bad behaviour.
Is there ever an OK time to ghost someone? Perhaps – maybe if you only had a couple of dates and you didn’t make specific plans for another rendezvous – but for the most part, it is so much easier and so much more respectful to just send a polite goodbye text (unless you are being harassed or made to feel uncomfortable, in which case, ghost that motherfucker no matter how long you have been dating).
For example, I recently went out with a very sweet, very kind man. We went on two dates; the first one was fun, but by the time we met for the second date, something with the chemistry just seemed off (i.e. I didn’t want to kiss him, and the conversation felt stilted). We discussed a potential third date – bowling – but a few days later I knew I had to call it off.
“I’m sorry, Jonathan,” I wrote. “I don’t think I can meet you on Thursday. I really liked hanging out with you but I don’t see a future for us. I hope you understand.”
Listen – that is not a fun text to write nor a fun text to receive. But at least it’s honest, and he knew exactly where he stood. He wrote back almost immediately saying he did understand, and it was nice to meet me, and he wished me all the best. There! Done!! Neither of us had to harbour any ill will or frantically check our phone a hundred times a day.
The third time I was ghosted, the most recent time, I didn’t understand why I didn’t see it coming.
And just in case you think ghosting can’t cross international waters, think again. If you read my blog regularly and/or follow me on social media, you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out which country the guy is from (Italy. I’m talking about Italy).
I knew this person for three months; we talked nearly every day after first meeting (texting or Skyping), and, oh yeah, he flew me back to his country to see him. After that visit – which was incredibly fun – we discussed seeing each other again a couple of months later, and we continued to talk a lot. And then, a couple of weeks later… oh yes. He vanished. One day there, the next… just gone.
I never thought that this person was going to be a serious boyfriend, but I did care about him. I knew it had an expiration date, but I thought we’d end up as friends, or that it would at least end on a nice note. Of course, I was totally gracious about the situation, and backed quietly into the shadows so that he could continue to live out his life. Ha ha! Nope, of course I didn’t. After weeks of silence (except when he asked me for tips about Instagram… which I gave him… please don’t judge me) I wrote him a message saying that I was sad that we were no longer in each other’s lives but I wished him the best, to which – as if this shocks anyone – he never replied.
And that’s another thing about ghosting… do you write to the ghost? And if so, what do you say? Do you ask why they decided to stop seeing you? Do you reveal your anger or your sadness, either way exposing that you did indeed care for him or her?
If you think it will make you feel better, or if you like having closure, I say go for it, because at this point you have nothing to lose… but know that in all likelihood the person won’t reply. I mean, if they don’t have the balls to tell you they want to end things, they probably won’t have the balls to say they’re sorry.
Take it from me, though: write your message, then delete half of it, then wait a day, then show it to your most hard-nosed friend, then wait another day, and then if you still want to send it, go ahead. Be the bigger person and write something short but cool-headed, something you won’t cringe over the following week.
Try to keep it classy, collected, and brief, although a little snark never hurt anyone. A message I’ve written a few times is something along the lines of:
Hey, I’m really not a fan of ghosting so thought I’d send a message as it’s clear I won’t be hearing from you again. I’m looking for something that is genuine and consistent, so it doesn’t seem like we’re a match. Take care and good luck with ________ (fill in something they talked about, like starting a podcast. WHY is it always a podcast).
Just don’t drive yourself crazy checking for those blue ticks.
And then just laugh about it… after a few Aperol Spritzes, maybe
So, in conclusion, ghosting sucks, and I still don’t understand why some people do it when it’s just so much easier and kinder to be honest. But for all the times it has happened to me, and for all the times it has happened to my friends, know this: it is almost certainly not your fault.
Most likely, the person you’re dating wasn’t ready for something with you or even something with anyone, be it serious or not. As much as it hurts, he may have realized he didn’t like you very much after all or he may have started dating someone else. Or he might just be an asshole. Honestly, we’ll never know the real reason, and the sooner you let go of overanalyzing and overthinking about what you could have done or what you could have said, the faster you’ll heal.
And yeah, it’s an awful feeling – that someone doesn’t even care enough about you to text you (or, shock of all horror, actually call you) in order to spare your feelings, let alone want to date you. But as I’ve written about on this blog before, if someone doesn’t want to be with you… why do you want to be with them?
I still get bummed out when I’m ghosted – it’s easy to let it initially knock your self-esteem, and there’s the disappointment that comes with realizing that all of the excitement of a potentially new relationship has been squashed – but as mentioned above, I’m also thankful for it, because it shows me what kind of person I was dealing with. If he can’t even muster up the courage to write me two lines of text, what other emotional baggage am I going to have to deal with later on?
Ghosting is a huge indicator of both immaturity and instability. And honestly, at this point in my life, anyone who has this lack of emotional depth and a lack of basic courtesy is just holding up the line. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: there are plenty more fish in the sea. It would be awesome to find a fun, adventurous partner, but I’m not going to sit around waiting for a phone call or text when there’s so much more of life to explore.
So ladies (and the four gentlemen who read this blog), take heart: ghosting is real, yes, and it is shitty, but it doesn’t mean you should lose any self-respect, nor does it mean you should lose faith in dating. When someone ghosts, they’re making it very easy for you to see that they’re definitely not the person for you, and that you’re much better off without them.
As soon as you realise this, you have room in your life for so many other fun things: new partners, sure, but also a new freedom to do whatever the hell you want to do… without having to worry that you’ll miss that text if you’re in the shower.
So hold your head high, realise being ghosted had nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else’s inability to communicate, and repeat after me: I ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m sorry. I had to.
Have you ever been ghosted? Or… have you ghosted someone before? Why did you do it?
*By the way, I totally e-stalked these guys to see if they really did die. Chris is still writing for a super fancy newspaper (not dead), Mark updated his cover photo on Facebook to show his latest antics at Burning Man (also not dead), and the international man of mystery regularly posts photos on Instagram using the tips I gave him (definitely not dead).
It’s a shame that these supernatural encounters have become inevitable when dating. I agree – better to find out the calibre of a (wo)man earlier rather than later on down the track when you’re fully invested in the relationship. Ugh.
Anyway, I’m glad you did end up writing this post and hope it was cathartic in helping to deal with all the hurt feels caused by the international man of mystery.
Oh and on the cheese at the end… totally appropriate, if not necessary!
Thanks, LC! I had actually been meaning to write this post for a while as so many of my single friends have experienced the same thing… the international man just happened to have perfect timing (hah).
Taking a shot here…what if this “ghosting” is some sick, cruel game people play for sport and compare stories/experiences on a particular dark website? Of course I suppose it doesn’t have to be dark… anyways, wouldn’t rule it out… screenshot the person’s text messages and post them up for others to see…sick kicks. (Aka cowardly kicks)
Thanks for this article. I’m aware of the ghosting phenomenon but wrongly assumed it was primarily something done by the younger generations. Oh no.
I’m 56 years old. She is 48. First date was about as perfect as you could imagine. Wonderful dinner. Passionate kisses listening to and singing along with Barry Manilow in her Mercedes (yes, I hope she reads this). Felt like I was 17 again. A few days of exchanged texts and calls, then within a week of the date… nothing. I literally googled to see if she’d passed. I’m pretty good at reading people and I totally missed it. After a few days I had to send the “sorry if I did something, best wishes for life” text. Nothing. It’s maddening, but the “closure” text helped a little and knowing others have similar experiences helps. But it hurt. A lot.
I thought just guys did this. It’s just happened to me with a guy I’d chatted on line to every day for a year. The last message was him asking me what I had planned for the weekend. He didn’t read my reply. I sent an are you ok message the next day. He didn’t read it. So I sent one more for closure a week later, more for myself really and not for him, saying ghosting someone is a really mean thing to do and I was offended he thought I wasn’t worth the effort of him just typing the word goodbye. He’s not read that either. I won’t ever message him again. We are both late 40’s and I also thought this kind of behaviour was a younger folk thing. Well, fool me once as they say. Good luck Mike. Maybe we both dodged a bullet as they say
“I thought just guys did this.” Wrong, it seems to be more common among girls. When I am curious about a girl and get the number, sometimes I’m in the flow and know what to write and then sometimes I am not. Sometimes I am afraid of not having “the perfect text” because of the fear getting silence (aka getting ghosted). So yeah, expand your perspective and update your view on reality by also simply asking men over just assuming. Can be very interesting experience to hear the other camp you actually wanna connect with.
I too am 53 so i ain’t some kid. I have been with my bf for 3 years (he is 37) after returning from a wedding last week, he rang me after he’d been drinking, and to cut a long story short he was nasty and put the phone down on me. This was Thursdsy evening and it’s now Tuesday! Not a peep from him. I too am glad that he has shown how immature and damn right selfish he is. Has ended things randomly over the last few years, but we managed a full year without a hitch. I have no intention of ever rekindling things with him. I don’t want a wishy washy wimp, i want a real man who is capable of loving and comitting to me. So his loss. Funny enough im not even sad, i feel great!
I’m so sorry, Mike. It does hurt… like hell! I just had this happen to me after a really fun second date by an average looking man who was very attentive, took care of everything and made me feel so safe. We had planned on meeting again and towards the end of the date I sensed he was nervous and encouraged him to get closer. We ended up with him behind me holding my arms–we were at a bar listening to music–he was rubbing my neck and playing with my hair, holding hands. We left the bar and he kept saying how clumsy he was, which I thought was endearing and told him that he was anything but. Once outside, I just kissed him. We were kissing pretty intensely but I had no intention of going beyond the kissing. In fact, I’ve never been so forward, ever. Earlier that day I had texted him that I trusted him because I knew he was a gentleman. He seemed to like that. Yet, somehow I feel that he thought I wanted to sleep with him! I texted him a thank you the next morning and the reply I got was, “oh, but the pleasure was all mine…”. Then, poof!
What’s ironic is that this guy had told me on the first date that he has MS. I never judged him about it, as he is fully functioning. Funny thing is that I met him at a Tantra Speed Dating event… I know he is going to the next one… He doesn’t know that I will be there, too!
I may just go up to him, graciously, and tell him that what he did was unkind and to let him know that I simply felt safe with him… Whatever I decide to do, ghosting hurts and goes entirely against the philosophy of Tantra. How ironic.
Mike: Thanks for sharing. I was surfing and feeling pathetic as if I was the only guy this ever happened to. Similar thing recently: first date, great dinner, engaging conversation, loads of compatibility, sat on a park bench sharing life stuff and laughing til the wee hours, said goodnight and went to kiss her cheek and she shifted us to lock lips (quick, but still nice). Sent a couple texts to say I had a great time and…… nothing. Nada. We’re still on the same dating site so I occasionally see her online. The scamming and nonsense on these sites is mind-blowing and frustrating these days; I was sure, and almost shocked, that I’d finally found a genuine person. I’d rather hear that she hated my shoes or my breath was awful or whatever than get dropped into the abyss. I’ve delicately cut short dates that had no vibe at all, I’ve sent polite emails that said thank you but I don’t think we’re a match. This isn’t – or shouldn’t be – difficult. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone this didn’t happen to at least once – so why would anyone think it’s not kind of cruel?
This article was so good, you are hilarious!! I especially liked the part where you put a photo of horses up. I was just recently ghosted & am feeling awful. Before sending my ghoster a long text I did a google search & read your article. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to write this. Very insightful! I ain’t afraid of no ghost and won’t be sending my long text.
I was recently ghosted in the middle of a conversation making plans to visit each other. It hurts. I sent the dreaded double text trying to figure it out, and perhaps hoping he had a genuine reason for doing what he did. Nope. Nothing. Nada. So googling to get closure, I stumbled upon this article. It does a great job explaining that – some people are rude, cowardly, and not continuing a relationship with them is a lucky break that was needed before it progressed too far. It feels shitty, but better now than later.
Loved your post. Broken-hearted though. I am a 43 year old performing artist who reconnected with a 42 year old Jiu Jitsu practitioner flame from college on FB. I have had cardiac problems and have been in and out of the hospital. Despite that, for a year and a half, I experienced what I felt was an awesome friendship and hands down the most passionate toe curling sex I have ever had. Two weeks ago, over several days, he stopped replying to my texts altogether. For the life of me I cannot ascertain what I did to lose this wonderful reconnection. After sending several texts, I finally got the hint: ghosted. And at a time when I needed his friendship the most. Chalk it up to hormones,I suppose. However, I know we had a genuine connection. I’ve come to suspect that he found someone else with a perfectly working heart (in other words no “drama”). But I am going through such emotional pain right now, it rivals any pre-teen’s first heartbreak. Any advice is welcome ?
Oh 🙁 I’m so sorry this happened to you. But know that ghosting is cowardly and immature, and you are better off without this person. It’s so hard to find “authentic relationships”. Don’t waste your time pondering what YOU did wrong! Hang in there. Stay busy. Love comes along when you least expect it, and sometimes when you’re really not looking for it …..
Met a guy 2 weeks ago. Talked and messaged daily. We had a date for tomorrow, ironically my birthday. He said all the right things, made me smile and laugh. I kept looking for red flags and saw none. I thought maybe…….well you know. Tomorrow was date night. Guess what…no calls or messages all day. Talk about feeling rejected. Why did he pull me in, and today nothing??? Feeling really really shitty. Just wish he could have left a simple text to say what, if anythingm
I just got ghosted. I feel like a man! Thank you for the article, I know now this is common.
I got ghosted by a woman I’ve known for 36 years and I don’t know why? We had 3 nice. dates and dinner with her grown children, I’ve never been ghosted before and the downer is a lady I’ve known for 36 years I know she doesn’t like drama so maybe that’s why she ghosted me it sure deflates a person’s ego and I don’t think no one deserves to be ghosted it does leave with a big question mark? and the lady is not a stranger.
First time getting ghosted last week and I’ve been feeling horrible since. Date lasted 4.5 hours, kissing, asking to meet over the weekend. Texted me on my way home. Texted next couple of days and then poof!!! This article was the absolute best from the bunch I’ve googled since, to make sense of why guys do this. Very therapeutic in it’s logic. Thank you!
As a man I find this trend in behaviour very unsettling, it’s tarring us all with a brush and leading to some very nervous behaviours around dating in 2019. I’ve always taken the time to send a message or have a phone call explaining that (at least for me) things aren’t working out, and that I wish them well.
In almost every single case these messages are taken entirely in the spirit in which they are intended and a welcome reply is received. A few times the other person just vanishes (which is also a bit poor if you ask me).
It’s a tough world out there and understanding behaviour isn’t easy. I’m facing a whole different dynamic right now which is far more confusing than simple ghosting.
Stay safe out there everyone and be the better person. It doesn’t take much!
Girlll!! Your 3rd ghosting story reminded me so much of what I’m going through right now.. Damn! It’s impossible to avoid thinking about him and why he is doing this when I had the idea he was the most decent man I’ve ever met. And the worst part, I spent my 1st (and hopefully last) pandemic video calling and texting him, I will always remember him when looking back at this – very – strange times, we had the ‘luck’ to lgo through. We even had plans to meet after this is all over… Ugggghhhhhh!!!
Well, nothing else left than to enjoy the summer in the gorgeous central Europe.
Bit slow on the uptake with this but liked your post. Currently 4 weeks into a ghosting (I am the ghostee) by a lad who lives very close by that I had a 6 month relationship with. He – sort of unintentionally – met my daughter probably sooner than I would have liked but with lockdown etc…anyway that’s just another annoying explanation I’m having to pull out the bag so she doesn’t think mummy has different boyfriends all the time.
I had decided against the follow up message but I’m obviously searching for something as I’m trying to find solace in other peoples experiences online and also spending money like I’m minted ? aaaah it doesn’t get easier. If my last relationship hadn’t ended with a big fat ghosting (the rear ghost that tries to come back and haunt you a couple of months later) then maybe it wouldn’t seem as infuriatingly shit. Anyway, thanks again. Hope you have exorcised all yours by now.
I am being ghosted right now and it hurrrttttsss. Circumstances were covid weird and we ended up talking to each other everyday for 6 months. We talked about everything and were planning on seeing each again and now he has just stopped texting..messages left unread and my heart is just sad. What really helps from sending a ‘what happened’ text is reading other people’s experiences and knowing I’m not alone and it’s not my fault. But gosh I am sad right now.
I think this is happening to me right now. International LDR was going really well for the 1st 3 months of 2020, and a visit mid 2020, things seemed to be holding together, we were friends before that too for a good few years, and he has always been a bit flakey in comms and introverted too. Now with changes to how people message each other, and he recently reimbursed a flight we’d booked but got cancelled, the ignoring of my messages on Telegram, and his responding & ignoring me now on WhatsApp, I can feel the chill in the air looming on 8th February 2021 when I suspect he’ll deactivate Whatsapp.
Or is he just losing energy of the logistics and legality of meeting up due to Corona….? He can be quite ‘take the least hassle / effort’ option
We’ve had longer gaps than this in comms, but not ignoring on the app we were using for a long time (Telegram)
I suspect he is funnelling me onto an ageing app he’s about to abandon & silence thereafter.
He’s also an introvert, so pushing isn’t helpful either. But that plays into his power game…..
Almost certainly in the grey zone. Its horrible. And I’m confused by some eager texts he last December sent on the old platform, saying he hoped I know that he still misses me.
Ghosting is real. It can happen to you. You may or may not be the cause of it. If someone ghosts you, be patient. Do not let your ego drive you crazy. Accept it for what it is knowing that you are on the receiving side. Your partner may want to end the relationship, or wants to ignore you. Or as the article said your partner is in love with another person which causes the dislike for you. It may be for revenge of what you did to your partner. It may also be that your partner wants to control and manipulate you. Be aware ghosting is hurtful. Therefore, stand firm and let the ghosting run its course. In other words ghost the ghoster. The intention is to gradually but decisively END the relationship and you are out. Your partner realises that you are nof hurt by ghosting. That is important.
Yea, Ghosting someone is really immature and needlessly hurtful. And not something to be accepted in any sense. Years ago when a marriage was falling apart, the ex at least had the decency to tell me to my face “I’m not sure I want to be with you anymore”. And we still communicated as things went south and we separated until I told them that I could not be friends anymore and would not be Plan B for them. The break was hurtful, but it was clean.
I think I’ve just been ghosted, not by a SO but by a close friend. Or at least it felt like a close friendship. We’d shared intimate details of our lives, support one another in tough circumstances. and emotionally trying times. Hell I even spend a long weekend caring for this person’s dog and snake (Garter, not python) while they retrieved their eldest child from the ex. One day its sharing selfies and smiles. The next was the start of radio silence for a week now. I know folks get busy, and both of our lives are full of work drama and other relationship drama. But to just ignore simple waves and texts?
Ghosting sucks, most heinously. Ghosters should NEVER expect to just stroll back into the lives of those they have ghosted.
This is not a direct reply to this comment. I just can’t figure out how to add a new one. I just want to say that I wholeheartedly disagree with opinions here that claim that’s it’s ok if people just vanish after the first date. This behaviour is not ok no matter the duration, one date or 3 months into a budding relationship. Of course it is much much worse and more hurtful when it happens later on, but it’s just a question of scale. Of you had a nice time with someone during a date and it wasn’t made clear while you were out that this is just going to be a one off. If the other person said they would text you, they are obliged to text you, even of that text just spells out that they don’t want to see you again. If I had a nice time during a date and i think they were nice towards me I would always acknowledge that. It’s just the decent thing to do. It’s just one stupid text. It costs nothing and it can just save someone’s spiral into self-loathing.
I just got ghosted, tbh I didn’t see it coming. I’m young only 23 and this is the first time I’ve put myself out since I’ve had my heart broken by someone who really didn’t want to be with me. My youngest sister suggested Tinder (surprise surprise). I didn’t use it at all when I initially got it, and then I used it one October day with my youngest sister helping me pick matches. I found a guy who seemed so sweet and our first conversation lasted until 2 am. The next day at work, he asked if I wanted to get dinner that night and I agreed. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, grow a little confidence and go out on my first ever date (I’ve never been on a single date before). And when I met him, we hit it off. We talked for 2 hours straight, barely touching our food because our conversation was a lot more interesting. We stayed until it closed (at 10 pm) and while my date went to the bathroom, the bartender asked me if it was a first date and when I replied yes, she gave me the biggest smile and said it looked like we were hitting it off really well. The night lasted a little longer, he was new to the area (only being there for a few weeks) and I showed him around and took him to a nice spot on a hill to look at the stars. We held each other since it was a chilly night but not too cold, and we talked a little more, I asked what he was looking for and how his past relationships have gone, and he answered (I’m 70% sure) he was looking for something serious, and he always been the person cheated on or used to aid someone into cheating. I told him I just got out of something incredibly painful and heartbreaking. And we kissed. We were out until 1 am. We had a couple more dates, a lunch date where he had time to meet me between his job, a movie date, and a pumpkin patch date which was something I always wanted to do with someone. Each time, it felt so amazing. He was very very VERY attractive and I was so self conscious because of my body (the first night we met I wore a crop top and he held my stomach and told me I was still sexy). Everything felt like it was running smoothly. We’d goof off together, dancing in the store or looking at the toys since we both like Legos. But then he had a day where his mental health wasn’t the best and I gave him space. It gave me anxiety as I’m prone to but I left him be. The communication faltered but I checked in with him that night and he said he was ok. We joked a bit and it felt normal once again. Everything felt fine. Our last convo was about hanging out a couple weeks after we first talked and hanging out with him for a Halloween bar thing, to which he said it was a plan. But I woke up the next morning to realize he blocked me on everything….without warning…and I’ve been trying to figure out where I went wrong. And I know it wasn’t me but it’s still hard to believe that. I wish he was mature enough to tell me to my face or even a text. Everything felt so wonderful and we had so much in common and our dates had been so fun…this really came out of nowhere. Gosh…only talking with him for 12 days and it was wonderful and everything I needed. He said a lot of things and his actions made me feel hopeful after my heartbreak, that this…its suddenness and everything…you can’t help but feel that blow to your confidence. I really wanted it to go on a little further…but I know it showed his maturity and his cowardness. It still hurt. I took an entire day to cry and even now it hurts. I found this article to help me cope and figure out what I should do. I want to get back out there and I will. My brain is just sentimental and it retains so much even in a short amount of time. I needed this article though. It really helped.
Brianna, know that you are, by far, not alone! When you can, if you haven’t already, read up on Narcissistic behavior. Also, think twice before using dating sites because you never know who (or what dangers) you’ll meet on them!
My Story: I’m a 63 year old, female widower of 2 years who took a chance and dated a 77+ year old man — who pursued me for over a year — all of last summer. We dated several times a week, with him asking me to be his woman on the second date!? I turned him down and explained to him that something like that would take time, after we got to know each other better. However, after our 6th date, we became intimate — three times in that one week. (Due to his age, I was curious. And he turned out to be a great lover!!!) We continued to call each other, and we saw each other every day, until one night when he came to pick me up for a date. I told him I wouldn’t be spending the entire weekend at his place, and argument ensured. During the argument, he made a derogatory comment about my breasts. I told him off by telling him what I thought about HIS “personal parts.” After a week of no contact on my part, he came back on the scene through a mutual friend who felt sorry for him due to his proclamations of missing me and being in love with me. So, I agreed to see him that night. During our conversation, I told him how his comment about breasts made me feel. He first denied making that statement then blamed it on alcohol. In any even, I sort of accepted his apology and agreed to let him take me to dinner the following night so we could talk/start anew. After he failed to show up 15 minutes after the agreed upon time (he was never on time due to ‘hanging’ out with friends who are more than half his age), I called to see what was going on. When he answered the phone, I could hear people in the background, like a party was going on. When I said, “X, it’s 22 minutes after X time, what’s going on?” he said, “Something came up.” I then said, “Oh, okay.” and hung up. Now, even if he didn’t know it was me calling, that was a month ago — and we haven’t talked since!?
Moral of My Story: We’ve got to use discernment and choose better!
I meant: “Due to him hanging out with ‘friends’ who are less than half his age.” and might I add, he is the one who supplies (pays for) the beer, liquor and ‘good times.’
I’ve been ghosted for the 1st time after TWO YEARS of seeing him. I’d had a conversation w/him that I’d no longer date/be intimate w/him as long as he cont’d to date/be intimate w/other women (he’d confessed the latter). He refused to give up other women, but tried to negotiate w/me to get me to change my mind. I said “pals only.” We then went out of town to a fishing camp for a few days. While there, he talked me into trying to be intimate. It didn’t work…he couldn’t get it up (bad case of ED + the magic was gone, esp for me). He then turned into a different person. Mean, criticizing me, literally turning his back to me when I approached. I handled it well, refusing to let him ruin my good time. He got better. He called couple of days after we returned. We talked over an hour…good conversation. Then….ghost. We had a date the next week. The days came & went. No call as to the time of our date for the event. The date night passed w/o hearing from him. Then a month goes by. He has ghosted me. I think that ghosting is intentional cruelty, intended to hurt the other person. In my case, he knew the respectful, considerate thing to do would be to tell me his plans of never contacting me again, not staying in contact. He knew the conversation would go okay, since I had offered that the prior week, but he refused to accept it. Instead, he chose to hurt me. He may have met someone else. He may blame me for that last failed sex attempt. He may be having a temper tantrum at not getting to have his cake & eat it too. Bear in mind that we’re older…and I’ve aged like fine wine. Same figure & face. Healthy. He has a belly like he’s 8 mos pregnant, balding, man boobs, sun blotched face, and a drinking problem. He hasn’t aged well. Yet he criticized MY appearance. I took the high road & didn’t criticize him back. I’m so hurt he ghosted me. No closure. I also found some old letters from when we were young that he’d sent me, where he talks about his friends, his father, his jobs…that I think he’d want. I also have a pic I took of him at the fish camp that I’d intended to send him. I want to send him these things, but since I’m ghosted, not sure if I should. It’ll look like I’m begging him to respond. I can tell him “don’t respond.” I don’t have to decide now. I’ll consider it later. But ghosting isn’t just immature, it’s also cruel. The ghoster knows it. It’s intentional. Maybe getting back at a woman because some other woman ghosted him. Or he knows she’s too good for him, so he’s “gonna show her.” I’ve never ghosted anyone I’ve been on a date with. I don’t understand why anyone would do that to someone they’ve dated for years, except to hurt them. Of course, it also shows that I was right to call it off with the ghoster, who was a man who wouldn’t commit and who lied & saw women behind my back.
Sigh! Recently got ghosted on and your essay is so apt. The first date seemed perfect! He kissed me! It was passionate and perfect! Then…the texting petered out and I fell into the mad phone-checking cycle. Then I fought for myself a bit, having nothing to really lose, and we are gonna meet up this weekend, but my opinion of him is changed and I’m thinking about what to ask him more from an anthropological perspective. What is that Maya Angelou quote – “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Hmmm, I understand how you’re feeling, Genna, I’d feel the same way. And I TOTALLY use that quote all the time… I even used it when the international man did something really horrible to me a few months ago, but I didn’t listen to the advice and gave him a second chance. As you can see, that didn’t really work out…
Thanks for your comment!
I have never heard of this, and definitely didn’t know there was a name for it and everything. I am sorry to hear about these stories, but like you say…it shows they shouldn’t be there anyway and you feel free and open for so many new things!! p.s. Yay for being one of the 4 guys who read your blog haha
Thanks a lot, Brett! And thanks for reading, ha ha 🙂
Wahh that’s so crappy about the international man!! At least you got some good trips and a story out of it!
As always a brilliant post! 🙂 x
I know, crappy right? I didn’t think he’d be that kind of guy… oh well. Live and learn! Thanks for the comment, Ellie!
Why is this the way of things these days? I’ve never been truly ghosted, I suppose (though I’ve had weeks of no contact with one particular reoccurring idiot who I swore off for good a few weeks ago) but I feel like it’s become so commonplace which also makes no sense because we’re all more connected than ever these days. I agree with everything you wrote, especially that it’s the coward’s way out. I fundamentally don’t understand how a person can even do it–I would feel so shitty just ignoring someone else. I have sent the “I’m sorry, you’re very nice, but I don’t see a future..” text and yes it’s hard, but in the long run its so, so much better.
I enjoyed the picture of the horses in Bhutan. : ) (also reading this en route home from my amazing solo international holiday! Yay! And some tears that this one is over!)
Yes, sending that text is hard, but it makes it so much easier in the long run – you don’t leave the other person hanging, and you’re not left with any weird guilt. I’m sorry that you had to deal with someone similar recently… but it’s so awesome that your solo trip went so well!
Ahh the supernatural dating phenomenon! I don’t think there is anyone I know who hasn’t been ghosted, it’s definitely the biggest bug bear in dating at the moment.
Here’s a few classics – I was due to meet up with a guy and he messaged me while I was already not only dressed by on my way to the date venue twenty minutes before the date with these words… ‘I can’t I’m really nervous I’m sorry’ then never to be heard from again!! You have no idea how mad I was.
Another more recent one we had arranged a date and a few days before the date I get a whatsapp message ‘It doesn’t feel right, I can’t do this’ I would hasten to add that he chased me not the other way around. He then promptly blocked me on all forms of contact I had for him so I couldn’t even respond to that message. What even is that? My response was going to be a perfectly polite ok no worries people change their minds, good luck with everything.
I am disappointed in international man of mystery, but onto bigger and better no ghostly things 🙂
Oh god… to cancel that late in the day?! I guess that’s better than being stood up, but still. And I don’t understand the blocking thing, because at least give the person a chance to respond (unless, again, they’re harassing you).
Thanks for your comment, Emma!
I have experienced this too! It was a 43 year old psychologist to whom I was engaged. I moved to another state to wait to marry him and received a text saying “you deserve better” and then he promptly blocked me too. Of course, I was going to ask questions, but as a very religious woman, he knew that I was not going to curse or anything.
I wish there was some kind of recourse for these things.
Thank you very much for this post and the comments on it. They are keeping ne stronger as I am going through ghosting of international proportions. The holiday was planned for next week in Paris the city of love. This choice did not surprise me because this how our relationship was back then.This has been a 5 month reconnection with an ex. Will keep you posted as for now I am trying to hold myself together.
I’ve never heard of this! Dating now sounds insane. I’m quite glad to be a boring married 40 year old! I wish you luck in finding someone wonderful! ☺
Ha ha – modern dating is quite the minefield. 😀
Be very glad! I am 37, my wife walked out on me two and a half years ago. I haven’t felt anything for a woman since then. Nov 25, 2016 I met a woman and had the best date I have ever had in my life with her. Dinner became a sleepover and the next two days were like dating in high school again. Then, guess what? She’s the reason I happened to be reading this article. I would never do that to someone. EVER.
Lol, same thing just happened to me! Week of feeling like I’m in high school…very steamy texts later too…then poof!
My ghost finally texted back after being MIA for a week to apologize for no communication…I played it cool, “no sweat and thanks for pinging me”…and then silence again.
Most dont get that much it seems so I feel a little lucky…shouldnt have to deal with this in our 40’s. Lol
Definitely not dead hehehe. Ghosting is not good, whilst I’ve been dumped by someone at the very last minute (think hours before we were due to spend the weekend together) at least he LET ME KNOW! I think it’s the very least people can do for each other.
Shame about your international man of mystery too 🙁
Yes, there’s that at least!! Thanks for your comment, Katie. 🙂
Oh my gawd Brenna… read this on my lunch break and did an audible snort laugh when I got the the caption “I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan”
Add another “yes” to the “Have you been ghosted?” poll… Great attitude you have about it… and yes, it’s hard to right that text but remembering how the other side of things feels means you just gotta do it.
Ha ha – I really did not know which photos to use.
We need to go out for drinks very soon! 🙂
This might be my favourite blog post of all time!
Well then, those ghosts were worth it. 😉
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS. Yes, even though I’ve been married for 10 years.
As a writer (and I’m sure you can relate), I’ve made a habit of studying people and the way they communicate. I was ghosted once before I met my husband. Was he the first one to ever do it? Sadly, probably not. But I think you’re right in that it’s become far more common in recent years, and there IS an explanation: Texting. Social media. The “de-evolution” of the ability to communicate. Someone once said to me, “You know, it almost seems backwards — like if texting had been invented before voice calls, the ability to hear one’s voice over distances would have been revolutionary!”
And she’s right. Effective communication consists of words, tone, and facial expression. With texting, we miss out on 2 of the 3. Worse, it’s made people lazy about practicing the art of being understood — and of flirting, of arguing, of listening. Worse still, it’s made it ridiculously easy to cut ties, to avoid the “hard” conversation, to completely dodge the bad self-feelings that come along with breaking up with someone. And that’s probably the heart of why people ghost: they want to avoid feeling bad about *themselves.*
I don’t think text is an acceptable way to do it, either. While I’ll give you that it would be better than nothing, a relationship that consisted of more than a couple of dates deserves a voice breakup. I’m a huge SATC fan (the shows — not the ridiculous movies) because it over-simplifies character flaws and exaggerates them, effectively holding up a mirror to reflect our own neuroses and insecurities. Yep, there’s an episode where Miranda’s date literally ghosts (ha), but there’s also an episode where Burger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note. A post-it! Remember that one? It’s the 90’s equivalent of a modern-day text break-up and, once you’ve begun to establish a real relationship with someone at least, equally abhorrent.
Obviously I would never survive in today’s world of dating and for that, I solute you. Fuck, no one even had cameras in their phones when I got married, which just makes me feel stupid-old or like I got married stupid-young but I also feel lucky to have dodged this whole era where you might be considered “clingy” for actually wanting to have a real conversation. I’d just be that crazy woman who would want to talk — to hear a man’s voice — to learn how he communicates and to evolve our methods together because in the end, that’s the only way a relationship can really work. Is that really too much for you to ask?
I think you should ask yourself that the next time you meet someone. Challenge him, see if he will communicate. And if he can’t, move on. Because there’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how. The problem with the degeneration of communication is that we’re ALL in the grey zone now. We’re all losing. We’re all standing on our little platforms, shouting into a void, and not listening for anything in return.
Okay. I’m sorry to practically write an entire blog post in your comments. I’ve had a lot of espresso this morning, and obviously you’ve hit a nerve. Carry on!
Oh Katie, I love you – your comments are always so thoughtful. I wanted to wait to respond to this one because it deserved a couple of read-throughs!
I think the thing that stood out for me the most in your comment was when you talked about appearing to be clingy just for wanting to have a conversation. Totally, totally agree with you there. After a couple of months of dating, I’m ready to have that conversation – i.e., do we take this to something more serious, or is this all it is? Communication is so important in relationships, even casual/short-term ones, and I’m definitely trying to be better at it. And you’re right, it’s so attractive when someone is emotionally intelligent enough and confident enough to communicate.
I also agree with the texting thing – in the past I’ve actually asked a couple of guys I’ve met through online dating if we can talk on the phone first, and so far it’s gone exceptionally well (you learn so much more about someone that way, and then it makes you even more excited for the date). Recently I’ve even told people that I don’t want to text at all – let’s do it old school, as in, make a plan for a date and just see each other then. SO MUCH BETTER in my mind… none of that weird texting drama that can occur (it’s really hard to convey sarcasm in texting, hah), and you get to anticipate seeing each other that much more.
And yes, I remember the post-it note. I freaking loved Burger (I collect forgotten playing cards, too) and it pissed me off so much that he ended it this way. I just think of Carrie slamming the post-it note against the window of the cop car and even the cop was like, damn, that’s cold. Hah.
At the end of the day, it’s really quite simple: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Respect each other. Be honest. Be mature. Be kind.
Thanks again for your awesome comment, you’re the best!
Ha, I was so worried you would think I was a freak for writing that, but damn I was on a roll. (And P.S., I SALUTE you. Not solute you. I don’t want to dissolve you.)
Anyway I really am sorry about the latest. It’s so dumbfounding. I think you’re on to something with your “old school” dating suggestion. I met Justin while he was on his two-week mid-tour home from Korea (he’s in the Air Force), and he called me nearly every day when he returned to the country. I remember looking forward to hearing his voice, even if it meant waking up at ungodly hours. And if he could call me from there, it shouldn’t be too difficult for a guy to call you from across town, just so you can get to know him. The REAL, (nervous, sexy-laugh) him — not some scripted text version you have to meld with your imagination in order to create what feels like a real person.
But really, your last point says it all. Be honest, be mature, be kind. I don’t worry about you, because I know you won’t settle until you have that.
Katie, this is excellent!
3 years later and post and comment are fresh as if written yesterday. I’m lucky to have been ghosted only once in my life, and it hurt to a point it left me wondering about my sanity. But, still… I’ve suffered intermittent ghosting, haha. So, went out with this super hot, fun, incredible in bed guy, had an amazing time together every.single.time, it felt like there was a connection. But here’s the twist. The guy’s got two kids, and they stay with him every other weekend, so, we only went out every other weekend, when the children were with the mother, haha. Now, things were amazing when we were together, but then? nothing. No texts, no calls. During the week, nothing. If I wrote, he replied. If I called, he picked up/called back, always fun and attentive, and always had fantastic plans, that we actually did. Still, this not he writing/calling me was, obviously but not less painfully, that I was too into him, and well, he just wasn’t that into me. I called it quits and of course, never heard from him again.
I’m sorry you’ve had these experiences Brenna, but in a way it’s comforting to hear that it happens to everyone. I agree with you. I think it’s really selfish and rude. Even if the underlying reason is that they don’t want to hurt you with a dismissive text, surely anyone would rather know than have to figure it out for themselves over the coming days/weeks. I’m definitely not great at communication myself, but I could never leave someone hanging like that.
Yeah, as mentioned, it really has happened to every single friend I have (which is both heartening and completely and utterly disheartening). At least, due to these experiences, I know what it feels like on this end and would never do it to somebody else! Thanks for your comment, Arianwen.
Reading your post reminded me of the worst case of ghosting I’ve experienced. I’d been friends with the guy for about two years, and fwbs for about one. A couple of times one of my good friends had come to hangout with him and his friends. So when he asked her to meet up to talk, she went over thinking it was fine. Nope. He attempted to try to hook up with her so she shut him down and left. Then promptly told me. We weren’t dating, but still not an okay thing to do. So I message him asking about it. No answer. The jerk even went to my friend’s work to apologize, but never replied to me, the person he was actually friends with. After two years of friendship, that one hurt.
Though a couple years afterwards he messaged me out of the blue to apologize for his behavior. I just replied with “Why now? It’s been years.” Never got anymore response out of him.
So I guess eventually he sort of unghosted me to say sorry, but years later it rather felt like that ship had sailed and he should have just left me alone.
I guess with this rambling I just wanted to tell a story of my own ghost to sympathize. It is never fun to be on the receiving end of. But like you said, those guys obviously weren’t worth it. One day you’ll find a guy who actually is worth your time. 🙂
Oh god!! He sounds like a piece of work. That is really bizarre behaviour, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. You’re right, it’s never fun to be on the receiving end, but at least it’s a fast track to finding someone a lot more worthy of your time. 🙂
Thanks for your comment, Alisa!
Thanks for writing this. It’s so easy to blame ourselves when situations like this happen but thanks for pointing out that the problem is them. If they don’t have the decency to write a simple five minute message then to hell with them and move on!
I totally agree, Cindy! Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Brenna i feel your pain. The struggle is real.
One time i met this guy on a night out in Manchester. I was quite drunk and not that bothered. At the end of the night when i had drifted away to some other bar this guy gave his number to my male friend and asked him to pass it on. I thought that was cute so i got in touch with him. We went on a date. We had loads in common, talked all night, he kissed me and it was wonderful etc etc. It felt like something truly special. We seemed to be a perfect match.
Cue date 2, had a great time again. We realised we wouldn’t see each other for a little while – i would be in Cornwall and he would be working in Birmingham for a few weeks. No big deal we said! We’ll stay in touch and catch up in a month! Ofcourse! Lots of lovely kissing followed. Then….silence. Apart from a few texts which seemed very ‘friend zone’ ish i stopped getting any responses from him. Pretty mean behaviour and totally perplexing. Like you, i couldn’t contain my frustration and in my one last message to him i just told him i thought he was rude and inconsiderate. Safe to say he didn’t reply.
The weird thing is he just seemed like the nicest guy ever. He seemed very kindhearted. Guess that doesn’t make a difference these days haha!
What is wrong with people?!
Oh no, that’s really too bad. I think a lot of people get easily freaked out by even a hint of commitment, unfortunately, even if that commitment was something casual. You’re right – it’s really perplexing and VERY frustrating. I’m sorry that this happened to you!
Yes you’re right and maybe that was the real reason, sadly I’ll never know haha!
Ah don’t be sorry. I’ve moved to a different country and I’m having the time of my life! Same as you, it’s annoying that it happened but I’m also kinda glad it did?
That is so sad Sophie, am still feeling like a love sick 17 year old after this has just happened to me. I have actually been married for 33 years but after just 10 he decided that we would just live like brother and sister. That left me feeling incredibly lonely, sad and unloved for the last 22 years. Earlier this year some friends posted me on a dating site that I did not know about (they felt sorry for me). Needless to say I saw this man and was immediately drawn to him. He texted constantly and when he eventually cottoned on that I was still married he took it all in his stride and didn’t judge, said that we all needed love and affection at some time. For two months we carried on texting, occasional phone calls and planning to meet, then after a small altercation he disappeared…..the feeling now is like nothing I have ever known. The constant pain and the not knowing is sooo hard. I even said in my last ever text that if he was fed up with me just to tell me and I would stop contacting him….but nothing.
Ohmygoodness, this has happened to me way more often that I’d like, but one time really confused me – I was traveling, met a guy who I got along with SO well, was hoping (and was thinking) something ~romantic~ would happen, it didn’t, but ok wtv, we live so far that maybe he didn’t want to get into the whole having to say bye/long distance part, we still became good friends so I figured we would at least stay friends. (Though I admit that even that part was hard, because I had practically gone into the love territory with him.) I tried to stay in touch, it slowly stopped, but then he didn’t even say thank you or acknowledge the fact that I had sent him a message to wish him happy birthday… I mean, really!
But then I have to think – could this be becoming the nature of travel friendships/relationships? People you care about just coming and going out of our lives, even if *we’re* willing to put in the effort to stay in touch?
Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that! I agree that travelling certainly adds another element to it. Thank you for sharing your story here, Laura, and again, I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out!
Perfect timing – I think I’m being ghosted right now and this was just the reminder I needed that it’s not worth my time even trying to get a response from him. If he’s that flaky now it’s unlikely he’ll improve.
Thanks for the motivation to discard all thoughts of him!
Yeah, I’ve had friends say to me, “Oh, maybe he’ll write tomorrow…” but I find that you always know when you’re being ghosted. Trust me – it’s not worth pining over! I’m glad that the post could help a little bit.
When I started reading this, I didn’t think I would connect to the post in any way. I have never been ghosted after all, or so I thought. Then I read your 3rd account and that’s when I realized I too have been ghosted, by (who I thought was) a friend. I was pissed off, no doubt, and sent him a note apologizing for what I had done wrong (why I did this, I don’t know, I had self confidence issues…) and – surprise, surprise – I never heard back from him. Our relationship was not romantic nor would it have been, but I really thought we’d remain close friends even after he gets married. I guess not. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I run into him – what would you do, Brenna?
I’m really sorry to hear that, Pauline, that’s a really difficult situation. If it’s really bothering you, which it appears to be, I would send one last message just saying that you hope he’s doing really well and that you value his friendship. If he doesn’t respond to that one, unfortunately I think you’ll have to throw in the towel… what else can you do? If you do run into him, I’d act kindly and respectfully, but I’d keep it short. I wish you all the best!
This is really embarrassing to admit, but… I when I first started dating online used to ghost people. I was really insecure and unsure what to do in situations where the feelings weren’t mutual, so I would stare at messages from people asking me on dates, and just have no idea how to respond. I felt awful, because I knew that I couldn’t say “yes,” and I didn’t want to cause anyone pain or disappointment by saying “no.” After a few minutes of coming up blank, I’d put down my phone. I’d remember hours later that I hadn’t responded, but the more time passed, the harder it would be to face the situation, and I’d just put it off until it seemed unnecessary. Usually there would be one follow-up text, but nothing after that–I took that as a sign of tacit understanding. (For the record, these were usually messages about second dates, sometimes third, but no one I’d dated for a long time.)
Luckily, I eventually grew up and started handling these situations like an adult. I realized that even though it sucks to be the one to turn someone down, it’s better to have that conversation and give them a sense of closure than to leave them wondering. Even better, breaking things off officially gives you a chance to end on a kinder note and wish each other well–rather than to leave a bad taste in someone’s mouth and have them think (and rightly so) that you’re being a selfish jerk.
I think it’s awesome that you’re being so honest – your second paragraph is bang-on, if you ask me. I really liked all three people I wrote about in the post, and I imagine I would have even been friends with them… but their actions made it so that I will forever think badly of them.
Thanks for your comment, Addie, I really appreciate it!
I’ve been ghosted so many times, I used to tell guys that the only thing I expected of them was for them to let me know when the relationship was over (of course, they never did). I think even worse than that is the semi-ghost, where someone disappears or stops answering your texts until they want to see you, and then act surprised that you were upset by their silence and say something stupid like “I don’t know what you expect of me, it’s not like we were in a real relationship… Are you really going to get upset over a couple of unanswered texts?” Yes, I am going to get upset, because even if we’re not in a real relationship, I’m still a real person with real feelings who deserves real respect, and disappearing from someone’s life without warning is never cool (though the two-sided fade-away is acceptable).
And this makes me feel like I’ve been single far too long haha. Always a battlefield! 😉
Oh man, the semi-ghost is also terrible. I am trying to be a lot more honest with people I date now, and like you, telling them what I expect a bit earlier in the relationship. It may scare some of them off, but hey – then at least I know where they stand. I recently told someone I only wanted something casual, and so right away we were able to discern that we weren’t a good match… saved us both a lot of trouble!
And agreed about the respect – it’s the least we can do for each other.
Wow I’d never heard the term ghosting but it sounds brutal! I think you’ve described them well, it’s basic they are cowards. I remember that SATC episode! You tend to think the worst but these guys are all missing out! Keep going girl 🙂
I agree – very cowardly! As much as sending those break-up texts or calling the person sucks, it’s part of being an adult and a decent human being. Thanks for the comment, Sara!
SERIOUSLY…WTF is wrong with people?! Show some respect! How is it possible that with the endless forms of communication that we have available at our fingertips, people do not have the decency to write a simple line to another person? All I have to say to those peeps who are guilty of ghosting is that KARMA IS A BITCH!!!!
Ha ha ha Zalie, I love you so much.
Ok after reading this and a lot of the comments, I’m so sick of people making ghosting into a big pity party roundtable.
I’m not saying it’s right but what I think bothers me, is this need to pick it apart, turn it upside down and make it into something that it isn’t. This is not something you go out of your way to do, sitting in a dark cave, plotting how you’re going to emotionally tear down this person. No. Ghosting is strictly out of disinterest – a lack of connection.
And hating on the people who do it is as misguided as ghosting itself. If ghosting is the easy way out, hating on the people who do it is just as easy.
The reality of it is that there’s a lack of connection on the other side, a lack of interest, something didn’t click. It may be you, it may be them, it may be another relationship, timing, whatever. And tell you what, as a ghoster, most of the time you’re thinking “is this other person even going to care that much?” And that’s pretty much the whole point. You did not connect like they did. The “it’s over” text is much welcomed and greatly appreciated but sometimes – especially in these ambiguous relationships that are just starting out- when you’re the sender, it’s feels a little out of depth.
And it’s a symptom of where dating is now, a couple of dates doesn’t mean you’re dating anymore. It’s this in between place where no one really knows if a break up text even applies.
If you think you deserve an explanation then you absolutely do – but then if so, just ask for one.
Own this and find your resolution. You’ll find that 99% of these people, you’ve spent considerable time with, saw something in, and were genuinely interested in, are good people. You probably wouldn’t have been into them if you they weren’t. If this is something that’s keeping you up at night, ask the question. Approach them saying, “Hey, I’m getting that you’re not really into this, I can take a hint but I just want to know what made you lose interest?” Yes it’s the ultimate vulnerable position – what if you get double ghosted – but for the most part, people get it – we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all obsessed over text messages, I’m sure than when given the opportunity, most people will take the chance to explain themselves.
Hi Vanessa, believe it or not I do agree with some of what you’ve said here, but I suggest you go back and reread the article a little bit more closely, especially the last paragraphs (which are clearly advising people to “own” it).
Where I agree with you is that there is a lack of connection on one side, that “ghosts” are not always bad people, and that they usually don’t go out of their way to make someone feel awful. However, I prefer to be honest, respectful, and kind to the people in my life, even if there’s a lack of connection (connection or not, we’re still talking about another human being). Sure, a couple of dates doesn’t equal dating, I agree with you there, too, but ghosting someone after a couple of months or standing someone up when you have a clear plan (the examples I laid out in the post) are pretty terrible things to do to someone. Judging by the comments here, as well as the dozens of private messages I’ve received in the past 48 hours, I’d say most people agree.
I have to disagree with your “pity party” comments – it’s natural for people to feel hurt when this happens and want to discuss it, and to dismiss someone’s feelings like that is a bit cold. I also disagree with your comment that “If ghosting is the easy way out, hating on the people who do it is just as easy.” Ghosting is an action that directly affects another person, while “hating on” is a personal feeling; I don’t think they’re on the same level. You say that, as a ghoster yourself, you think, “is this other person even going to care that much?” It’s pretty dangerous territory to assume you know how someone will feel, and I believe in saying goodbye just in case. I also believe in my self-worth, meaning I believe that the person I’ve spent time with will indeed care… if not that he wants a relationship, but that he’d like things to end in a mature, respectful way.
Ultimately, this comes down to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As I said, I prefer to treat people with kindness and respect, and I stand by my opinion that people who ghost are cowardly. I had three different people write to me yesterday saying that they felt bad about ghosting someone, sent the text to say goodbye, and immediately had a pleasant response. It’s not so hard. I suggest you try it out.
Argh ghosting is the worst. My ex actually did it to me after we had been casually dating for about two weeks. It was all going well then he just dropped off the face of the earth. He was a bartender at my local bar so over the next four months I saw him a couple of times and he was always really nice when I saw him, gave me a hug, seemed glad to see me but never messaged me. Then I saw him out one night when he wasn’t working and we ended up hooking up. I asked him why he had ghosted on me and he told me he had been depressed and working crazy long hours at the bar, a job he hated, and just didn’t have the time or energy for a relationship, despite liking me a lot. He thought it was easier to just stop texting me, He had just got a new job in an office and was much happier and we ended up being together for nine years and were engaged, only breaking up six months ago because we wanted different things in life.
That’s really interesting! I do believe that some of the guys I’ve dealt with have ghosted because they were just overwhelmed with something else in their life, but I still think that taking a couple of minutes to explain that to someone is the respectful thing to do. I hope that you guys are still friends. 🙂
This is a thing!?! Thank god I haven’t been single in a decade, because this would send me into a blind rage. I cannot imagine something more rude or disrespectful than disappearing without a word when you have PLANS! For god’s sake, how hard is it to text “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a great match. I don’t think we should go out again.” to somebody?? I thought your example was very classy.
Thank you for your comment, Emily – I’m glad that you can empathise! It really is a pretty terrible thing to do to someone, in my opinion.
Thank you for writing this! I was ghosted late last year by a guy that (I thought) I really hit it off with. We spent 6 months together, and then he just stopped texting me back. It completely gutted me. I’ve been meaning to write something on ghosting, and I’ve been struggling with it because it was such a weird time for me, so I was so happy when I saw this post!
As hard as it was to swallow the ghost pill; I’m actually happy that he did what he did. He showed me his true colours by ghosting me, and I think because of that, I dodged a bullet.
A cute, tanned Australian bullet; but a bullet nonetheless!
I’m sorry you’ve been ghosted as well – sending you positive, healing vibes!
Oh god – I cannot believe how many people this has happened to. Six months?! What a jerk. But yes, he really did show his true colours, and as much as it can be hard to swallow, you really don’t want to be with a guy like that.
Sending you positive vibes as well! 🙂
I feel like such an idiot…happened to me after five years. He just disappeared. Quit calling, texting, no communication at all. Talk about heartbroken, confused… I don’t understand.
Hi, I see this is just a few days ago. It happened to me on October 9, 2018. We had been friends 23 years, but in a relationship for two years. Gutted. Weeping all the time. It hurts so much. The only time I feel okay is when I’m drinking, which is scary. I hope the ghost of the love haunts him for the rest of his life.
Thank you so much for posting this! I have only been ghosted once, but I have friends that experience this more often. When it happened to me, it was with someone that I had only been on a few dates with, but it brought up feelings similar to what I felt when my most serious relationship ended. It wasn’t because I cared about this person to the same extent I loved my ex, it was more because I just felt so confused and worthless, like I wasn’t even good enough for a simple text message. I also hated the obsessive person I became over the next few days- always checking my phone and basically stalking his social media. That’s not the kind of person I am, and I felt like I was perpetuating the “crazy girl” stereotype. I like your mentality of looking at it almost as a favor, and your rationale that a guy who ghosts is not a guy you would want to be with is pretty solid logic. If this ever happens to me again (let’s hope not) I’ll try to remember this!
YES – I hate that ghosting does this to us. Even if I don’t know the guy very well or have much of a connection yet, like in the first example, it still makes you feel so worthless. I totally know what you mean.
I’m sorry that it happened to you but I hope that you do remember that it really is a blessing in disguise! Hopefully it never happens again 😀
Amazing!!!!! First time I’ve read about ghosting is such a hilarious and honest way. Love your blog (have done for 2 years) and love this post. It summarises everything about 21st century dating without being cliche or man-hating.
A million thumbs up for your writing girl xxx
Thank you so much, Jess! I’m really glad that you like the post. 😀
Oh lordy yes, this sucks so hard. If the banter just dies out…well, that’s one thing. But to be left hanging by yourself? At the pub? After two months of dating? Nigh unforgivable.
If you ever get “benched”—and I sincerely hope you never do!—I’d love to hear your take that too: http://nymag.com/betamale/2016/06/benching-ghosting.html
Oh man, ha ha. I have totally had “benching” situations in my life… but mostly with guys who live abroad, so it’s like, we’re not sure if we’ll see each other again, but also not sure that we want to close the door all together. If it happens in London I will definitely write about it! 😉
Do you think that this ghosting epidemic is a sign of where we are as a society? Like, we are so spoiled/inconsiderate of others’ feelings that we want to avoid conversations that might be slightly awkward, even if we are being really rude and hurtful to someone in the process? Not that I want to be with anyone who’s that inconsiderate/emotionally wimpy, but it seems to be pretty prevalent these days and weeding out the bad ones is freaking exhausting. (also – I always think people are dead/in the hospital when they are late or ghost – because what the heck other excuse is there for being that rude in this day and age with technology at your literal fingertips?)
Love the Bhutanese horses! 🙂
Yes, I think that’s definitely the case… I think there’s a sense of forgetting about honour and respect toward each other. Maybe I’m idealising the past (I’m sure people ghosted via telegram or letter, hah), but it does seem to be rampant these days. And I agree with you, it can be exhausting!
Yes, I was ghosted once. We were “introduced” by a mutual friend who exchanged our phone numbers. We had several great phone conversations and then….nothing. I left two voicemails a week apart and kept it casual. And then I shrugged it off. Thankfully I hadn’t gotten too swept away. TWO YEARS LATER our mutual friend told me he asked about me! I couldn’t believe it. I’m happy to say that she was able to tell him I was getting married!
Oh man. Well, clearly you weren’t meant to be! 😉
When I was in grad school I got ghosted by my then-boyfriend — we were doing long distance between the States and India, and he just straight up stopped answering my calls or responding to my emails for three months before breaking up with me via email. It was miserable at the time, but you’re right, I learned a lot about the type of guy he was and now I can look back on it with a little bit of humor. This post was especially poignant because I recently started seeing a guy pretty casually, and when he had some things come up that made it difficult for us to see each other for a little while, he immediately let me know about it because he didn’t want to just disappear on me and leave me hanging. The difference between boys and men, I guess 🙂 xx
Whoops – sorry for the late reply! Love your last line – I totally think it’s the difference between boys/girls and men/women. Adults have the respect and the courage to be honest. Thanks, Veena!
I have tons of issues with men named Chris as well. Dated like…5 I think all of whom turned out to be bad news (okay one was a Christian who hated being called Chris but I’m including him cuz it’s close enough). I had 2 of them ghost me as well. Once in high school, this Chris was my first real boyfriend and after a couple dates just straight up stopped texting. Then 5 years later friended me on Facebook. I rejected it and that was that. I had enough time to wash my hands of THAT mistake. The other was Christian in college. We lived together and everything, had a clean and mutual break up and remained close friends. Then all of a sudden, nothing. I heard from another friend he moved from Philadelphia to Boston (I live in New Haven so Boston is closer to me) 4 months earlier. Not a word. From what I hear his new girlfriend doesn’t like me (weird, I never met her). But oh well, everything happens for a reason right? Us and Chrises are not meant to be.
Oh no – what is it with that name? Ha ha – I’m sure there are some really great men named Chris out there 😀
A friend shared this post with me after my first ghosting experience left me feeling more than a little hollow and betrayed. Thanks for expressing so eloquently what I’ve been trying and failing to explain to my friends.
I’m sorry that this has happened to you, too! 🙁
I had a complete and utter emotional breakdown the first time I was ghosted after we were casually dating for a few months. I didn’t think that there were people like that in the world! How is it possible that someone is so impolite and rude, even when you show them that you care for them? I was devastated for a while, and then began to pick myself up again, and tried dating again.
I started to learn how to trust other people and open up again. It was going well until out of the blue he insults me and ghosts me.. (just this past week actually…) I know that we have to keep our head up high and realize that those people aren’t meant for us – but really, it’s really, really difficult. I often feel like I care too much, love too much, all too fast. I’m so vulnerable, raw, and honest, and too often, it feels like these genuine feelings causes more harm than good to me. Dating is really, really, difficult, much more than I anticipated! I know I’m young (i’m 21), but looking into the future of dating just makes me more and more terrified as to how terribly we can treat our fellow human beings, and how negatively our actions can impact another person.
|| P.S. just started reading your blog yesterday Brenna, and I am ABSOLUTELY in love with your posts– definitely inspired me! I did my first solo international trip when I was 19, and haven’t been able to stop since. I hope to keep traveling for years to come! ||
Can’t believe I missed this post when it was originally published. Anyway, first of all I must point out that “I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan” made me laugh so hard I was crying. Brilliant!
Great article and funny, just yesterday I was thinking a lot about it. I’ve hard a friend from another country who just disappeared. It was only few days ago, I finally accepted it and decided to move on. But yes, the thing is you hold on to that hope for so long. You believe in that person. It’s weird when you’re close with someone and then they are just gone out of nothing. I still have no explanation why we are now strangers.
Luckily I’ve never experienced that with someone I really, really liked. It did happen with males too, but with a person I had no feelings for and tbh, I didn’t see us going anywhere either.
Late the the party too, but this article helps. In the middle of a ghosting, probably. International as well, Says she loves me, says we should visit each other (even as late as our last skype while she was at her work this week), but no phone for weeks, no skype except when she is at work, and texts have started to dry up. Also says she does not plan things. So I am not sure whether to call her out or just walk away. Either way ties me up in knots a bit.
Triple ditto on the horse photo, I think my snorting woke my housemate. I opted to use airplane mode as a work around for maniacal blue tick syndrome. Needless to say, it petered out eventually anyway, minus the one last date we had where he called me a witch over and over. 21st century warlock, baby. Anyway, while I’m sure writing it was cathartic, reading it may have proved even moreso. Ever battered your suitcase in New Mexico?; can we go on a date? My situation had an international twist too (Whatsapp) but I refuse to Skype, even family on Thanksgiving. Skype may be a very friendly conduit for ghosts. For better or worse, I’m in the tear him a new one family and appreciate I was able to site you about texting being easier than using the bathroom. The feeling of having gone overboard, yeah, maybe derisive me and cowardly him had a Romeo and Juliet moment of tragedy, but alls I knows is I’m way free to go out, drink Mexican beer and listen to a goth DJ at an undercrowded club on a Thursday night. So, yeah, thanks ghost. Oh, and blue ticking that another guy read your article (its SEO tops).
All of these stories are way-too-familiar.
Thank you for sharing. You’re definitely right, someone who lacks the common courtesy to return a message or explain themselves just isn’t worth it!
I came across your post looking for how to get over this hell that is ghosting, there’s a strange comfort in knowing that ghosting happens to the best of people, no matter how pretty, smart or kind you are. I laughed at your anecdotes, not because it was funny but because they were all too familiar.
Thanks for helping me through the tears and self loathing!
Aw, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, BB, but trust me… soon you’ll be so thankful that you dodged that bullet!! Stay strong 😀
I’m so sorry your going through such pain at the moment. I understand that fully as been seeing a guy for getting on 18 months…. he’s always been quite emotionally unavailable but we had an amazing connection physically & mentally….. I want more commitment from him hence why I’ve been ghosted over the last few days….. I feel terrible…. the pain is unbearable and makes me feel ‘was it all lies’ …. he constantly told me he loved me ….. I guess he just couldn’t cope with me wanting more…..
The worst thing about ghosting is the fact you can’t let off steam and have a conversation to let that person know your feelings ….. I feel so angry that someone I loved so much could have little respect for me. That’s what hurts…. I feel I want to send him a long text to tell him exactly what I think of him …. ie. what a weak coward he is etc etc but
on the other hand what’s the point if I don’t hear back …., my heart is totally broken. I know deep down he has done me a favour as I was always on tenderhooks re phone calls & him not letting me in enough but at the moment i feel overcome with emotions
Recently I went out on a casual coffee date with someone who never called again and I’ve felt pretty terrible ever since, but then I realised, I’ve met other men who have pursued me after meeting at a bar or whatever and I wasn’t terribly interested in them, so l just let communication peeter out, hoping they got the message… And I never thought about what feelings they may have a experienced as a result, I just moved on… So maybe this guy didnt realik how hurt I felt, he just lacked interest and moved on. Can’t hate him for that really.
No, I don’t think that what he did was unacceptable – as you said, it was only one coffee date. I do take issue with people who make specific plans but then ghost, or, as I mentioned in the article, go on multiple dates and/or start a relationship with someone and then ghost. It’s one thing to stop texting after a couple of hours hanging out. It’s another thing all together to ghost after spending a few months with someone! I’m glad that you are feeling better about the situation 🙂
Oh Breena, thank you for posting. Back in the dating game and after 2 weeks of a.m. and p.m posts, memes, and two fabulous dates… nothing. I wrote him today: “Hey, so it seems like the spark fizzled out for you. Bummer, because I was enjoying getting to know you. Take care!” Even if he can’t be an adult, I can. I then looked up the term ghosting, because I hadn’t heard of it, and found your fabulous blog. Yes, laughter and being able to commiserate and realize it wasn’t me has helped a lot. My ego took a hit, but I also realized he obviously wasn’t the one for me if he could behave like this without a simple text.
I also loved your horse photo and it brought a huge smile to my face. Perfect photo for a crummy topic. Oh, and I have yet to travel to Bhutan, but it is on my list! (51 countries and counting!)
Thank you for this…
Although this wasn’t a relationship I feel I recently fell victim to this and never heard the term until the other day.
I thought a true friendship was forming and we were just going to be friends. Church buddies, texting during church and even during the week especially when she was done with work.
Everything was going fine but then about 3 weeks ago she wasn’t responding to my texts, I even saw her active on Facebook messenger. So towards the end of the week I asked if I had done something wrong. She finally texted back (through regular cell) and said she had been busy that week. I accepted that and we even texted that Sunday during church.
I sent her texts every day to say hi and to say hope she had a good day. However, after Sunday the 15th, I once again got no replies, not even on that Saturday or last Sunday when I expected one. All week last week and even today I never once got a text from her.
Last week is when I learned of this term and after no text last Sunday I felt very defeated and felt like I did or said something wrong.
Being busy that first week I could understand…but after 2 weeks of no replies …..ya it’s a sucker punch to the heart and it definitely lowers my self esteem a bit.
This is not the first time this has happened to me through out my life. As I said I never knew the term until recently.
Do ghosters feel guilt? Do they have a conscience? And do they ever come back?
After reading this article I’ve realized that my husband of fourteen years ghosted me. He left the house three months ago (after I found out he was cheating) and cut off all communication with me, although we have three kids together. He tried to behave as if we had never even been married and once referred to us as being “good friends” after I asked him if he wanted a divorce. I’ve also since found out that he’s a narcissist and gas lighter (similar to Donald Trump’s personality traits).
Oh no. That is just awful. I’m so sorry to hear that, Kristin 🙁
I was in a relationship for just shy of 3 yrs!, never really an unkind word between us, never had a hint anything could be wrong. We had plans for the future! We were so close, I thought, we communicated in some form every day. Spent weeks at a time together when possible.
I was ghosted 5wks ago and was out of my mind thinking he was injured or worse. Found out he’s alive & well from his family. Not a syllable from him since Jan 3rd. His last text was his usual sweet msg, mentioning “call you later, love”
I’m devastated and feel stuck bc I can’t understand why he left me, no hints, and I can’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me if he wanted out.
Feels like a death to me. I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, as I’m unable to cope right now.
I am so, so sorry, Marcia. What a terrible thing he has done. I think that speaking with someone is a really brave and proactive step, and I hope that you start to feel normal again very soon. Thinking of you x
Fellow victim of ghosting here…with pretty much every guy I’ve been on dates with in 2016 (not counting the ones that I didn’t care about that still ghosted, that’s at least 4 guys that I went on 2-4 dates with). Nevermind the most recent one that really broke my heart as we had talked about our past relationships and what we’re looking for (and asked me about my schedule for meeting up next time) that still ghosted…but one story I wanted to share here was a guy I chatted with online with that I had confirmed the evening before if we were still on for the next day as I was visiting a city 3 hours away at that time and had to factor in the drive back home to meet him. He had confirmed and I raced back home for 3 hours to change and when I listened to my gut feeling since I didn’t get text from him all day to confirm our plans he didn’t respond. Finally a few days later I texted again telling him I raced back home and left my friends early to meet up with him. He could have respected my time. Still no response. Ok I know both guys and girls are guilty of ghosting but in relation to my situation what is up with all these douchebags? Have we as a society dropped to such a low that we can’t realize that the other person has a life and their time is valuable too? What is next, not showing up for work when you “stop feeling it”?
UGH… honestly, I just don’t get it. You’re right – have we dropped to such a low that we can’t appreciate another human being in the slightest? Is everyone just totally wrapped up in their own selfish world and can’t even be bothered writing or calling to cancel? I have had so many situations like this – I only listed the three here – and I’m getting so sick of it. I have to admit, though, your last line made me laugh. I wouldn’t put it past some of these people!
I’m so sorry that this happened to you! Just know that you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling…
I’ve been ghosted several times, but this most recent one was far and away the worst. I met this girl through a good friend of mine, they’re both in the same sorority. I had been seeing her for about 2.5 months. I have met her mom, met a ton of her friends, I even went with her as her date to her staff Christmas party. We were both incredibly busy with school/work recently and I wasn’t able to see her for a little over a week. But we were still talking and everything seemed normal. My reading week for university was coming up and I was going to go skiing for a few days, I wanted to see her before leaving. I ended up going over and staying the night at her place before getting up to leave the next morning. (Something did feel off, as she wanted to go to bed right away). I was gone for 4 days skiing and in that time I texted her twice, with no response at all. I come back and talk about it with the friend that I met her through, who now seems to be pretty convinced she started cheating during that time I couldn’t see her. I still have yet to hear anything from her, almost a full week later. Up until this point she seemed like a mature, rational and kind person.. It’s just baffling how someone can just up and completely cut you off, without any sort of indication that anything is even wrong.
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that, Cam, but please know that a) you are not alone and b) this was TOTALLY a sign of her immaturity. She is not someone you want to be with. If she did this after a few months together, who knows what kind of crap she would have tried to pull later on down the line? I know that it’s difficult right now, but trust me, in a couple of weeks, you’ll be so thankful that you dodged that bullet. You don’t want to be with someone who could treat you with such disrespect.
Thank you for this post, Ms. Holeman. First time being ghosted just a few weeks ago. Met him on tinder. I am totally over it, but I would still check his social media from time to time because he added me already on facebook and we follow each other on instagram. I don’t want to look like the bitter one if I unfriend/unfollow him even if he wouldn’t care. We went out for 2 dates. Both dates went really well. He explicitly told me he liked me after our 1st date and he said he wanted to see me again soon. It was a sunday and he actually wanted to see me again 2 days later. 2nd date was on a thursday (same week as the 1st date), super flirty, he liked my quirks etc. We even planned for the 3rd date on Sunday to visit an art gallery. He even planted a kiss on my cheek when he dropped me off at my house on our 2nd date when I was really aiming for a cheek to cheek (I know.. some guys here in the Philippines are still conservative) and even reminded me that we’ll see each other on Sunday. After that 2nd date, he never texted to check up on me or whatever. I didn’t want to be the first one to text. So, when I texted him Saturday night to confirm if we’re still on the next day, I didn’t get a response. Me, being foolish, still prepared the next day in case he was gonna text me last minute. No text. I FELT REALLY AWFUL. I cried and my self esteem was way too low at that point. I really didn’t want to be left in the dark, so I texted him the following day, “it was nice knowing you, ___. Good luck.” I was surprised that he replied at once saying, “Hey, ____. Sorry for not replying. I am going through a weird phase right now. Maybe we could talk again after I go through this. Sorry again.” I was a fool to believe everything he said to me during those 2 dates. I didn’t mind the fact that he just broke up with his girlfriend last month because he emphasized that he was the one who initiated the break up and he wouldn’t be interested at the idea of reconnecting with her. And he said that the reason for the break up was because the girl was being needy. He also didn’t believe in the 3 month rule (to appease me, I guess). I really liked him, but I guess he was just dating around. I still can’t accept that he was just not that into me because I haven’t read any sign or body language that proved it. We still haven’t unmatched each other on tinder, so I saw that he updated his profile. Also saw that he was partying around, enjoying his freedom. Your blog was such a big help. It stopped me from attempting the worst thing that could happen right now, which was inviting him out for coffee like a super, short, chill, not a date, hang out. No feelings involved. Just friends hang out. I was seriously thinking about sending him this message because I am so frustrated with all the guys that I match with on tinder because they are all a bunch of pussies, not replying, not asking for dates, lame convos, guys who I’m just not that into etc. Like right now, I would be willing to just go out with him again with no expectations. I know it sounds gross, desperate and stupid. But then again, this blog is a life saver. I would just have to be patient and wait for the next (better) one.
I’m sorry i know this is almost like a year after you posted this. It just helped me and so has reading the comments. I was just ghosted after 2.5 months of dating and it was my first time dating after getting out of a 4 year relationship and a year break afterward. Up until now, I’ve never experienced ghosting and never even knew it was a thing and let me tell you it fucking SUCKS! Things were going so well and so great, I had no reason to think this would happen. I asked him if he wanted to hang out last saturday and he said he was busy and that was the last time he ever answered a text. Its been dead silence a full week later and before this we used to talk all day everyday. I know he’s alive and well because he’s been active on social media. Its just baffling how a person could go from constant communication to none at all with no regard for the other person’s feelings. I would never ever do that to him or anyone. It’s so cowardly and disrespectful. And i’m sitting here just wondering why this happened or what I did wrong because seriously it came out of nowhere!
Hi Brenna, your post is amazing. It was great to read all of the other comments too. I’ve just got ghosted for three days I guess. I’ve been dating with this guy for almost 1 month, maybe 5 dates because I was busy, not to have much time for dating. First time we had sex, it was just bad because I really like sex while he sexual needs seems just 1/5. I was struggle to think throught the night how to break up with him, but when I saw his face in the morning – he is just so handsome and treats me so nice, I think just try to date more. Then what, we met by accident at the park while my kid were there ( very weird because I dont expect any date to meet up with my kid) As our plan, after my night with friends I would go to his place to sleep with him and spend morning together. I sent him messages by watsapp quite late, no reply. Checked his fb, he is still online but in the morning next day he said he fell to sleep last night. I should end things up there but we continue message then suddenly no reply… for two days.
The problem is I met him on tinder but we have some mutual friends. I got ghosted before but I couldnt prepare for this time, with someone who is friend of my friend. I have high ego, so this hurt me so much, I feel ashame because I always think about myself that Im so amazing and behave that way. Now when a guy lose interest in me and ghost me, my self esteem become so low.
What our mutual friends will think about me? Like a loser but always too confident?
One of our mutual friend will have her birthday this weekend. If I go there, I will see him again… I dont know if I should be there just because of him, and we live in the same city so we can run into each other sometime.
Should I send him a message to tell that Im not confortable with his behavior, tell him if dating is not working just think like we are friends?
What should I say if I run into him again, or if I see him at my friend birthday party?
I have been ghosted by my boyfriend for 9 years. We lived together for 7 years. He was the man in my daughter’s life. He left overnight and I have never heard from him since. It happened in early January 2017 and 3 months later, I do not know if I will recover one day…
Oh no, that is so horrible. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. 🙁 Sending you love from London xo
I was recently dating a guy for about three months, and we had a fabulous time together. I was kind of in the gray area the entire time though, because he wouldn’t talk to me much in between our dates… just when I was about to give up, he’d reach out and make plans. We spent several weekends, many wonderful dates, and even a double date together. He said he wanted to take me backpacking this summer and talked about all these future plans. Last time we went out was in March. A month went by and he wished me “Happy Birthday,” ON FACEBOOK… talk about insulting. He has since snapchatted me (I don’t respond to them) and communicated with me on social media (publicly, no DMs), but to me, I have still been ghosted. I kind of knew he was a coward but had high hopes since I’ve liked this guy for a long time. I think that most disappointing fact is that, I had such high expectations for him as a person, and he’s not the person I thought he was. Thank you for this article…. <3
I was ghosted for the first time in late January of this year, and sadly it still occasionally haunts me (pun fully intended).
Background: This girl from Finland who had been following me on Twitter reached out to me in December 2015 after I had just started at a new job on the West Coast in the US. She noticed that we had a lot of similar, nerdy interests and wanted to get to know me better. I had previously seen and shared a cool photo of her cosplay on a Facebook page I ran, so we were at least aware of each other via Instagram/Twitter in the past.
Things were going great, we video chatted a lot on Skype, even played games together online and occasionally flirted. After about a month, when I responded to her in flirtatious way on Facebook, she asked me if I was flirting with her. When I replied with a coy “maybe” she said that was fine, but not to mess with her because she “might have a crush on me and it’s not helping”. She mentioned that she would love to save some money and come visit me in the US. She often messaged me these gushing, word-vomity posts about how she thinks I’m a very pleasant person and that she constantly felt like she was bothering me. It was tied to her anxiety and depression, which she had since middle school and actively went to see a therapist for.
After that talk about her having a crush on me, she sent me a word-vomity FB message about how relationships scare her and she has trust issues, and that after being in a relationship that ended terribly she never wanted to be in one ever again. “Yeah, I might have little crushes here and there but I just deny them from myself and move on.”
There were two occasions where one of her friends flat-out said he could totally “ship” us – meaning he could totally see us being together. This gave me the idea that perhaps we could become closer when we finally met.
She finally came to visit in late December. I had a great time showing her around my city. I did notice some behaviors that were odd to me – her very reserved nature (very common in Finnish culture), her negativity, her incredibly picky eating habits, her unwillingness to be in photos, and her overall lack of energy. I understood this to be tied to her anxiety and depression, and in hindsight it makes me realize that my lifestyle just didn’t gel with hers all that well. Despite all this, we connected in other ways and enjoyed talking and hanging out.
So when it came time to send her off to the airport, I got incredibly emotional. When I hugged her, I broke down and told her I had feelings for her, to which she simply responded “I can tell”.
After we said our goodbyes, I was in a badly, overly emotional mood for the next few days. When I mustered up the courage, I messaged her and told her that I had a great week with her and because of all the time we spent together, I fell hard for her. I told her I understood she didn’t seek serious relationships with people but I just wanted to know how she felt.
I brought up how she reached out to me over a year ago, how she shared her feelings with me in the past, and how her friend would totally “ship us”.
I told her that even if she didn’t share this feeling mutually, it would be OK. It would admittedly sting me for a while, but I could try to get over it. In the end, I told her that no matter what I wanted to be her friend and to be there for her.
Her response: “It’s really nice to know you feel like that, but I have to say that I don’t feel anything but friendship for you. Right now this is all making me feel a bit anxious, so I’m going to need some time to digest this. I almost always get anxious whenever someone tells me they have feelings for me. Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun during my trip and I think you’re still a great person”.
I told her I was glad she was being honest with me, and that I would give her space, but also told her to never be afraid to reach out to me. She said “Thanks. I’m sorry” and I let her know not to apologize, and that it’ll be OK.
I gave her two weeks of no communication, to give her space. Meanwhile I was dealing with a broken heart and trying to cheer myself up on social media and by talking to friends, drinking my sorrows away, the usual.
After two weeks, I reached out again to ask her how she was doing. She never responded. She instead protected her Twitter account against me and began ghosting me.
After consulting my friends, I unfriended her on Facebook as I realized I needed to distance myself from this person who clearly was undergoing a depressive episode but at the same time was showing they were too immature to have a healthy, adult conversation with me.
Although I tried to distance myself, it didn’t always work. In my many moments of weakness, I would look at her friend’s Twitter pages to get some sense of how she was doing – because deep down I still cared deeply about her, even if it was a one-way street at this point.
She would eventually slowly but surely remove me from other friends lists: Steam, Skype, etc. A few weeks after, I noticed her friends tweeting photos and thanking her for gifts – these were gifts that I had originally given her for her birthday. And now she was re-gifting them. This hurt me even more – to the point I decided to block her on social media in every way I could. I didn’t understand why she was being this toxic.
Her ghosting and subsequent actions made me feel used and abused. I felt like she used me as a place to stay for free while she visited America. I felt like her re-gifting things was a petty way to “get at” me. It felt incredibly manipulative. For the whole year I knew her online, she was leading me on – making me think something was going to happen, when it really didn’t.
After a few months, she reopened her Twitter account. One of her tweets caught my eye: “I’m really hopeful about making my Twitter public again but I’m still really paranoid having the ‘wrong people’ checking up on me. :|”
It’s such a catty, passive aggressive thing to say – she was clearly referring to me, and it felt like a slap in the face. I didn’t do anything wrong – sharing my feelings with her wasn’t wrong. After some time I thought that perhaps me opening up to her triggered something within her – perhaps a past traumatic event from another relationship, and that’s why she did what she did. But I’m just left guessing, I never got an official reason for her actions. And I perhaps never will.
Friends continue to tell me I shouldn’t reach out to her at all – that I am a better, kinder and more successful person, that I deserve better treatment, and that people who ghost are emotionally immature, manipulative people that don’t deserve your attention. Even if I was OK with just being her friend. They say I dodged a bullet and that there were a LOT of red flags with her that I initially chose to ignore.
They’re totally right, but the whole thing still bugs me from time to time. It’s gotten way, way better since January & February when all this happened. But it still crops up. I get angry about it. I think about how terrible her actions were. I think about how she didn’t acknowledge my own birthday. I still feel this impulse to e-mail her just so I can get my own form of closure, since she didn’t let me have that. I know she probably wouldn’t respond to it, but I think it’d help close this emotionally painful chapter of my life.
Despite the emotional pain this whole ordeal put me in, I learned a lot from it. I learned to be more open and honest about my feelings, and that it’s important to make your intentions clear in the beginning with anyone you’re crushing on, or dating. It taught me that just because you crush on someone online doesn’t mean they’re a compatible person with you in real life. It taught me a lot about how people with severe depression and anxiety operate. It also got me back into working out and releasing my aggravation about the situation through healthier means.
And despite all the drama, I can at the very least remember the good times we had. And on the plus side, I’ve taken up dating again and have been dating a very sweet, kind-hearted person who appreciates me. And yet, the pain of this episode still comes up every now and then.
I know this is an old post, but I was just ghosted for the first time, and this post really helped me feel better. have been beating myself over it and doing the classic over rationalizing like “oh maybe i was too cold or didn’t show i was into him enough” etc. what’s annoying is he’s a mutual friend, so i know i’m going to see him again – so very moronic on his part. but, like you said it’s helpful because it shows you who that person is, and it’s someone you don’t to be with. rambling comment, but had to share since this resonated with me a lot and made me feel better!
Thank you for your article, it has really helped :). I was wondering what you might think of my situation. I didn’t know of the term ghosting until it happened to me a second (the most recent) time. In both cases, the ghosting occurred once it was pretty clear we wouldn’t see each other for a very long time (perhaps never again) because our lives were going separate directions.
The first time was in college. I met someone the second semester of my senior year and we became very close. When graduation came I was devastated. We spent our last days and nights together. He was staying in school another year and I was going onto teaching in a different city, and we talked about how timing is everything, and that we would be dating permanently had timing been better. It did not make sense for us to date long distance. We had only known each other for a couple months and we were so young. I agreed with that. I knew I would have to move on and I didn’t have a hope that we would date anytime soon. But I was in love, and I cared about him, so post graduation I wanted to stay in touch. And so did he! We stayed in touch for a month after graduation and then…. ghosted. I didn’t understand but I didn’t spend too much time on it. I accepted that our relationship had run its course. But then a couple months later I got a long e-mail from him explaining what he had been up to, asking me lots of questions, telling me he missed me. And this cycle of communication carried on with him for a year. I learned not to get excited when he texted me or care if it ended. Now when he texts me I see it as an old friend texting me and have no emotion towards it.
The second, most recent, time, I am still coping with and feeling very hurt because of it. I just moved home from a place where I was living for two years. In my last two months living there I met someone from Argentina and we fell head over heals for each other. I was very careful because I know the reputation latin guys have, but so many things made me certain he truly liked me. First, all my argentine mutual girl friends told me they had never seen him act that way with a girl (brining me food to work and to parties, cooking me dinner at my apartment, taking me on hikes, spending days at a time together, taking me on dinner dates, etc.) Also many of his actions convinced me. Aside from all the above he also sent a picture of me to his family (I actually saw that he had sent it to his family Whatsapp Chat and to his friend group, and he went into the “album” of photos he sends to family and I could see I was the only chica which made me happy). We talked about me visiting Argentina but I wasnt sure if he was serious because it had all gone so fast. We met 6 weeks prior to his departure but it was only serious for 4 weeks I would say. Anyway, it was the best 6 weeks together. I havent felt this way about a guy since the kid from college (both ghosters..hmm). His smile, his eyes, his voice, made me crazy. His energy lit me up. I was in love. When he left for the airport to go back to Argentina it was really sad and we both cried. I texted him that I was sad and he said he was too, and then I texted him the name of a song he wanted me to tell him and he didnt respond. I didn’t hear from him for a week. Then he started texting me every day for a month. Talking about the town we were in, that he missed me, that he wanted to come back and do all these things with me. He would leave me voice notes all day on whatsapp. I responded back with voice notes, too. He sent me pictures of what he was doing back home. And every day I refused to initiate because I was scared he would eventually stop caring. But every day he initiated conversation. We didnt have plans to see each other again, he didnt have to keep communicating with me, and yet he did. And he was interested in what I was doing 24/7. The last week his responses have dwindled until a few days ago when he just didnt answer my text. He’s active on social media and I know he’s good with his phone. He had initiated converstaion for a month, so why is he stopping all of the sudden? There are no strings attached, I literally just texted him because something reminded me of him. We don’t need to talk 24/7 I’m the least clingy person, but when I care about someone or am thinking about them I don’t play games and I just text them.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, I have a main point/question. Like I said both situations the ghosting happened after communicating for about a month with each other after our goodbye. Could the ghosting have to do with their inability to handle the emotion of not seeing each other again? Or maybe after a month they came to the realization that what is the point when we aren’t going to see each other for a while? Is it naive optimism for me to think that they really did miss me for that month, but that after that month reality kind of set in that, no, we aren’t going to see each other for a very long time? I know for me, communicating with both of these guys was nice but I eventually accepted that we were thousands of miles apart and couldn’t do a long distance relationship. I’m going to grad school, he’s got another two years of engineering school. I don’t know when I would visit even if I had the time and if we still talked. So, I guess I’m wondering if it was all real. Did he really like me, did he really miss me and was that why he stayed in contact? I want it to be true! It will help me have closure. When we were together I was as confident a girl could be in his feelings towards me. But the ghosting just confused me. Please help, and thanks so so much for your post!!
This is what I wonder too. Maybe this guy couldn’t handle going any deeper because the intensity is too much? It’s maddening that he was consistent for a long time , built trust, and broke it again.
Thank you for this blog post, it really has helped a lot! I got ghosted for the first time after being asked to a wedding for a first date. A wedding…where I met his family and friends! Everything had seemed completely fine, exchanged numbers, plans, etc. Then a few days later it was: “I had a good time.” After I replied, no response. Few days later, I reach out and get a cold response to a joke, and again, nothing. And that was that. At first I had a really hard time with it, now I completely see it differently after reading your post. WHY would I want a relationship with someone who has clearly shown to me a complete lack of communication and respect that early on? It makes so much sense that all these people that ghost are doing us a favor and sparing us a miserable relationship with them or further hurt. From now on I’ll remember “being ghosted had nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else’s inability to communicate.” I will from this point forward, make a conscious effort to never do this to someone. Really you don’t even have to say it has anything to do with them. A simple, I’m sorry I’m not ready to date right now-is enough! Just bizarre to care so little about someone else you spent an otherwise enjoyable time with. But thanks and keep writing!
Thanks so much for this post, it’s been really helpful. I’m in my 40’s and after a few months of dating was ghosted by a 48 year old policeman. I thought he’d have more respect, better communication skills and not be such a coward. It would be great to publically name and shame these immature people. It’s really put me off dating at the moment.
Where is the honor?
This is one of the things about the modern age that sucks. I’m sure people were ghosted pre-cell phones and social media, but I’m also sure it happens WAY more now because so much of our lives are online. People barely know how to communicate anymore because so much is done via comments and text and DMs and emojis, etc. It has a lot of pros, but when you read stuff like this you see the cons too. A friend of mine had this happen fairly recently. She met a guy online, they hit it off, she was crazy about him, they talked about going out on more dates, the potential for a future together, and then…nothing. He stopped texting her, didn’t answer her texts, deleted and blocked her on Facebook. Eventually, she checked his FB via her alternate profile (she writes under a pseudonym so has two profiles) and saw he was dating someone else. So…is it cowardice? Indifference? Fear of confrontation? I get not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them you’re not really that into them or don’t see a future, but doesn’t it hurt their feelings MORE to be completely ignored and leave them wondering if they did or said something wrong? For some people who lack in confidence, they’d automatically assume it was something they did or something wrong with them, and then it just adds to the cycle of insecurity.
Great post, as always. Now I know where to send people if they say this has happened to them!
Thank you for this! I’m damn near 40 and have been around the block a few times so when I got ghosted by a guy who repeatedly told me how beautiful I am (apparently I am the most beautiful woman in Virginia!) and was sooo attentive and wanting to hang out all the time and then BOOM! Gone-I kept asking myself what I did wrong. Thanks for reminding me I did nothing wrong and he’s just not able to communicate. I found your piece by googling “ghosting” and it’s reminded me to look at the the bigger picture. I also texted it to the dude when tipsy at 1am and have zero regrets.
After being a victim of Ghosting. I searched and searched through countless dating blogs and sites for something to make me feel better. Your blog did. It’s reassuring to know that someone as fun and established as you, can go through ghosting and be able to talk about it in an adult manner and heal.
Although I only talked to the guy a few weeks, there was a lot of emotions during that time. Not to mention he sweet-talked the hell out of me. But in the end even for someone being in law enforcement ( i expected better from him) he was too coward to even end it in an adult manner.
I know i will eventually feel better but the hurt is pretty rough. The anger and sadness and shock that he couldn’t even have the integrity to say it wasn’t going to work out.
First time I’ve ever posted a comment, but this article really hits home! It remains relevant and an amazing source of comfort for those of us who are now scared of ghosts.
My story is so similar to the others, as i’m sure my pain is. I’m in week 3 of no contact after 2 glorious months of the fairy-tale beginnings of a new relationship – meeting of the friends, airport pickups, family introductions, being chucked out of more than one pub as it was closing and we were still nattering away, full of conversation and laughter – you name it, it happened.
Every time I want to reach out and try and question his behavior, or i’m reminded of him in anyway, I email myself what I would have sent him. It feels so good to get it ‘on paper’ without actually sending it to anyone. I haven’t re-read any of the emails, but it just feels better out than in.
Brenna, as a fellow Londoner, please let us know if you ever plan a coffee/wine/gin event – I’m working off the basis that I would defo like other people who love your blog, and it would be good to meet other kindred spirits in this horrific dating world!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the first time in a long while I don’t feel like my stomach is churning and I might get my appetite back!
Great and so true post, Brenna.
So, I guess I have a story as well because I have been reading ghosting stories for a week now and it’s really bugging me. 🙁 It happened recently, 9 days ago to be precise.
After five months of constant communication (ok, with ups and downs) since we were so far away from each other we were supposed to meet up for the first time in this June. We clicked and hit it off with constant communication via texts, Skype, phone…he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
Yet, in the last month, I felt something is off and I gave subtle signs to tell me if he doesn’t wanna meet.
When I asked him finally it’s the answer is no. He ghosted me for two days, blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp instantly. These were the longest two days in my life, I was crushed by the immature reaction. I really did not expect that. It was my first time of experiencing this and It is the worst feeling ever. I even left him a message of how I’m thankful I met him regardless his last behavior. I just felt better and I wanted to give myself a closure in a way. He read all that. So after two days I also finally kindly ask him to unfollow me everywhere because what’s the point, he finally answered this: ”OK I’m sorry. For everything. There’s a lot going on in my life at the moment. I need to sort out. Some good stuff and bad stuff and some confusing stuff. I understand if you hate me.”
Yes, I get it, that’s a major blow off but as everyone else, we deserve to know right away. Why lies, why ghosting. Just why? Why blocking me on Facebook and really what’s up with that? We were not even dating or anything. We haven’t met in person. Hellou. It’s sooooo crazy. I cant’ even. That act of ghosting struck me harder than the fact he’s no longer interested. And the feeling when someone blocks you on Facebook – that’s like the ultimate fuck off. And I did not deserve that. Yes, he decided not to meet me even though he was so persistent and all cutie pies and unicorns but the blocking thing. It’s the most cowardly and immature thing a person can do another human being. I’m really thankful he did show me his real face tho, but that’s all on him. I believe in karma tho, that’s the only thing I can say. That’s my closure: Karma is a bitch. 😉
I have been ghosted by a guy who talked bout married. He engaged to me. He flew me to Texas from NYC to spend time together.after talking for so long he brought up married. We talked about arranging a move. Showed me his divorce papers. I even stayed with him at his home. When I flew back to NYC a week later I never heard from him later. Not at least I change my mind or I don’t think it’s going to work.nothing. I try calling leaving message. No response. Couldn’t tell if something happened cause he lived alone w his dogs. But I knew I was ghosted
I ghosted a woman that was crazy. She talked about hurting herself unless I did exactly what she said. She said she got married the first time because it was the right time to be married. Not because she was in love. She constantly called me all day at work. Threatened physical violence towards me. Blamed me for being sick on Valentine’s Day and hung up the phone in my face. She tried calling back. I never answered. I changed my number. I still get Facebook messages from her that day hi and I promise you sex. I block them and then she creates another account. It’s been five plus years.
I think I’m a situation like that, ghosting is totally justified. As I said in the article, if it feels harmful or abusive, you absolutely have the right to ghost someone. I’m sorry you’re going through this, Eric, that’s awful. 🙁
Hey, I’m late to the party but found your article in a fit of ghosting-related anger and frustration. I have been ghosted after 5-6 dates with a guy that was very sweet and very sincere and (seemed) very into me. No idea what happened. I am a study abroad student so we both knew our time together was limited but it seems so weird to me to just cut it off without explanation. You’re so right that you don’t want to be with a person who will behave that way, but it just makes me feel so angsty and frustrated to have no idea what went wrong (or if I did something wrong). Thanks for the article and if you happen to have any further advice on whether it’s best to follow up with a (dignified) message like — hey, don’t know what happened but i wish you would have just told me you didn’t want to hang out again — or whatever, or whether to forget the whole thing and not embarrass myself further, I would love the advice 🙂
Make that five guys reading – really helpful post. Got the ghost after two months, and my fellow dude advice of “dude just don’t think about her” isn’t cutting it. I’ve wanted to write something, basically as closure, but haven’t known what….anything I say feels heavy, needy, stupid, etc. even if it’s direct and short. Looking back (objectively), it was clear she was fading at the end – but we humans tend to willfully ignore those flags when those brain chemicals are busy. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I googled about relational ghosts and here I am. Thanks for the advice, I’ll probably send some final brief thoughts. It’s been a couple weeks, but I was into her, so it’s for myself anyway. Any guy specific advice on writing (texting) the girl-ghost you wish to share will be well received. Peace ✌?
Hi Brenna, I am not ashamed to admit that I googled “girls ghost me after kissing” a couple of hours after my most recent dating disappointment which, luckily, brought me to this post. I loved every single word of it and you exposed the problem brilliantly. You definitely got yourself a new reader. My ego is already small and the continuous ghosting is taking quite the toll on it. The thing that bothers me the most is when it happens after a good date or a good kiss. Also, I noticed that the demographics of every single one of my ghosts is not that varied: in my past experiences it always involved a British or Irish girl. I find this coincidence quite funny. All the times I end up thinking that maybe I’m not interesting enough, or that maybe I haven’t integrated well enough here or that I’m not attractive enough to be in London. At least I learned to send i-am-not-an-idiot-and-i-acknowledge-your-bluff-politely texts.
Anyway, I’ll stop because I feel like I’m rambling on. I just needed to vent it to someone that knew how it felt to be ghosted more than once. Hope you don’t mind! Also, we should definitely arrange a ghost-hunt in London at some point! 🙂
Haha thanks for your post and also the people who comment it !! It feels jind of relieving to see other people have been through this ! I have been ghosted twice in the past. The first guy who ghosted me was at the beginning a nice person but i honestly had the doubt that he might like guys more than girls, a common friend we had by then also thought he seemed like he liked guys.. so maybe that could explain things. It didn’t hurt me that much cause I was not that into him anyway. But second time it happened to me was painful cause the guy simply ghosted after 2 little arguments. I never truly had a closure and months ago he wrote back out of the blue to say hi and ask how was my life, and when I answered he ghosted again, weird enough. It can be heart breaking if you really like the person but still, i guess there is a time when it’s time to face the truth and not make excuses for this behaviour 🙂 and sorry for my English, i am not a native !
This is so helpful…I guess I wasn’t fully ghosted but I feel like it. I dated someone for about 6 weeks, we had made plans to travel, even booked airfare…then I get a random text a few hours before our next date saying basically “My life is crazy right now and I realized I’m not ready to date…I like you but we’re on track to get serious and I am not ready”…but then he never responded again and then went through and blocked me on all social media. Even LinkedIn!! which made me laugh. We weren’t even friends on any other social media outlets but he still felt the need to block me. And I just don’t get it…why would someone put all that time and energy in to a new relationship, and then suddenly say “oops just kidding” and disappear? We never argued, always had a great time, and he said really wonderful things to me…why do all of that? He didn’t have to…we could have casually dated without him pursing me so hard or saying all the things he said. Frankly part of me wants to show up at his office and whip a milkshake at him, while the other wishes he would just text or call me and apologize. I would have appreciated a conversation to just understand what the deal is…my friends say it isn’t me, but obviously there was something I must have done to make him behave this way, and its driving me bananas not to know what it is. I’d like to believe he really does have something crazy going on that he has to deal with, and maybe I’m just so great he can’t even talk to me or see my picture anywhere just in case it causes him to change his mind about his dating hiatus (haha), but I think that if someone goes to these extremes to disappear, it is probably for a reason and/or he never wants to speak to me again. It just hurts my heart and I know what he did is a cowardly thing to do, but I’m more confused and hurt than angry, and even now would still speak to him if he made the effort. Barf. What is wrong with me? 😉
Nothing wrong with you sweetie. I’m a month of no contact and still get tempted to reach out. After being in touch with someone 6 or 7 times in video chat and text every day for a year it’s left a huge space in my life. I’m sure he just found someone new but a text to say he wanted to end it would’ve been appreciated. The only reason I don’t think something bad happened to him was on reflection he started to pull back and slow fade for about 8 weeks before the final message saying he was excited for the weekend and what was I planning? He never read my reply and never heard from him again. I keep wanting to send him a YouTube link to Kellis, I hate you so much right now track LOL. I wasted a year on a total sh… Be strong. There’s better guys n gals out there I’m sure of it.
Thanks for being part of the healing process for me
I was searching for an explanation for my my bf ghosted after 4 months, and this is by far the most insightful article/post I’ve found. We’re a few hours hours apart, but we’ve seen each other about every other weekend, always for at least one night. He told me he loved me after about 2 months, but then he got scared and so we backed off a bit, still texting every day and seeing each other.
He still seemed like the most emotionally aware and mature guy I’ve ever been with. Once before, he had started backing away from texting regularly, which for us is multiple times a day, to once or twice a day, but he was at a conference, so I gave him a little slack until it was over. When I did bring it up him with him, he told me he loved that I called him on it and that it made him think more about his emotions and emotional needs. And then things went back to regular texting.
Last week, he starting checking to see if I wrote (we use Google Hangouts, so I can see if he read my messages) only twice a day. Then once. Even if I replied immediately, he was already gone for the next who knows how many hours. When I called him on it, he apologized profusely about how he’s really busy (which he is) and said he’d make time for me the next day. I wrote back and said I don’t need more time (because he’s actually busy) but that I want to know when he won’t be available. Two days later, he hasn’t even looked to see if I responded. Total silence.
Dear Brenna, I really want to thank you for this article…
I’ve been googling way too much lately because I didn’t know ghosting or him losing interest after 2 months of dating and meeting the parents was a thing – but apparently having 1 bad date after a lot of great dates can change the whole thing …
Anyway, it feels good not to be alone with this 🙂
And after all, we’re really better up without someone who can’t communicate properly, anyway!
But honestly, thank you – your article helped me a lot, and came just at the right time 🙂
All the best to you, Emmy
I’m very depressed about my story. The lady I am referring to I’ll call her Jill. Jill and I first became friends on Facebook back in 2013. We’d been very plutonic and never crossed the line before 2017. We first met in person in August of 2015 while I was on travel from a convention. She lives in North Carolina.
In that day, we talked for five hours straight. It was amazing. Later we started communicating more as time progressed. By 2016, we’d been on a few dates and had good clean fun. Once she’d visited my state and stayed with her girlfriend. Because her car got towed, I came over at her request to help her. Her friend had gone so we were alone in the house. I wanted to make a move but decided not to. We had chemistry indeed. I gassed up her car, hugged and sent her home.
She’d always sent me flirty text or seductive pictures. I’d known about her on and off again boyfriend of three years, but she said he never made her a priority. He even left her home alone on Christmas while going out with his family. In January of 2017, we enter a new phase.
I was reluctant to get sexually involved because of distance and fear. She became very aggressive and pursued it harder. We met up in February, March, April, May and June. We had explosive sex and long phone conversations and flirting text messages. Then after June, calls and texts became non existent. Each time I’d ask if everything was ok, she’d say it was. We could always talk about anything but for some reason, she couldn’t tell me her feelings changed.
Our future plans became vague. I was just baffled. The last time I called and asked, she gave the lame, I’m sorry I was just so busy. That hurt. This from a woman who drove miles to see me. I’m crushed. I’m like what did I do so wrong that I didn’t merit a phone call. She suffers from PTSD, anxiety, chronic fatigue and a few other issues but I still adored her.
I forgot to mention, I sent her roses to work, I wrote her poetry and even gave her bubble baths. These are things she said no one has done for her. I can only say what she told me. I always called her beautiful and never disrespected her. She knew my pain of being ghosted and hurt before as I knew hers. Still none of that mattered. I proposed to by her a puppy she always wanted as well. I even painted her toes as I wanted to create a more intimate moment. I didn’t do well because I didn’t know how to but she helped me learn. I just don’t get it.
I’ve just happened upon this old post – because I have just learned I have been “ghosted” 30 years ago and wanted to know more about it.The article and comments are so interesting.
I would like to tell people this is not a new phenomenon at all. People (men mostly) have been doing it for ever.
In my case, it was particularly painful because the man I had been going out with for a year vanished for months, then wrote me a loving letter, then vanished again, this time for good. Why do this? And how could I have been so blind?
It took me years to recover completely. And it greatly affected my self esteem, to the point where I married the first man who proposed, even though I knew we were not a good match, but I thought no one else would want me. The marriage ended soon after of course.
Now I have learned my “ghost” is happily married. Well I hope he matured enough to behave better and is treating his wife right. Still, when I think of the past, it makes me unhappy, even after all these years! There is definitely a ghost in my life, and I am afraid here to stay…
Thanks for that article, I really needed this today.
Just like you I had the most amazing date a few days ago. It honestly was, without lying, the best date I’ve been on in my entire life. I had a great time. The guy was sweet, polite, fun, smart, and I found him very attractive too.
He really sounded like he had a great time too. First because he told me. Then because we talked about seeing each other again over the next few days. And he sounded really up for it. He was the one who had been suggesting it over and over again.
When we went our separate ways (after two bars and a restaurant, almost 5 hours after meeting up – you don’t stay 5 hours with someone you find boring or repulsive do you?), he kissed me. The hottest and most amazing kiss I’ve ever had.
Useless to say that I spent the start of the next day on a little cloud.
I made the mistake of texting him in the afternoon, I was quite surprised he did not do it himself, but eh, we’re in 2017 I might as well and I knew he had to work. He replied politely but very coldly.
Then nothing else. 24 hours later it was still the silence treament. And now 48 hours later, I have no choice but to accept that I’ve effectively been ghosted.
I’ve been very distraught about this. I know he owes me nothing and we only met once. The problem is not there.
The problem is that I’ve spend a rough past few weeks and friday evening has been the first nice evening I’ve had in weeks. He made me feel special, wanted. He made me feel good. So I feel that the rejection is even worse than any other rejection I’ve ever had in the past. Because I was so happy after that evening and he didn’t have enough consideration to be polite with me.
I feel really bad today. My eyes are so puffy I look like I’ve been attacked by an army of wasps… I know I shouldn’t need to get validated by someone else. But damn, this really hurts.
If he hadn’t been so nice during the date or if he hadn’t said all those things about liking me and being interested, I wouldn’t have cared, I wouldn’t have held my hopes up.
I know this sounds pathetic, but I feel a bit like I went through a real break-up…
Hey, 48 hours is not that bad yet.. he might be traveling or busy. Give it a bit of time, and see if he texts you back. If not, his loss, because it sounds like you were great company and a great date too. Don’t worry about the next date with him, just enjoy the night you had and know that you have even better nights ahead with another guy who will be even more into you.
I don’t think you’re pathetic at all – I don’t get the whole tendency of people, and in this instance, a man, to say all these things and make someone feel wonderful, and then just disappear. Why go through the whole dog & pony show? To make themselves feel better? Its maddening.
We had been friends since we were in middle school. Best of friends. Always stayed in contact with each other. About 7 months ago we connected again after our longest period of not talking. We were both going through a divorce and were happy to catch up. Things happened really fast. He told me I was the love of his life, that he wanted to give me all these things that I deserved, etc. Flew out to be with me right away. Made a point of making sure I was on board, we were together, has always respected and admired one another and fell in love. Well, when there’s already love there it’s easy. For 2 months it was nothing but planning,support, enjoying finding each other again. Then one morning he left my house… there was only texts for a week, then one 12 minute phone call where he said he would call back to talk about the distance. That was the last time I spoke to him. I received an email a month later with vague unclear excuses and haven’t heard from him since. And never responded to me when I reached out to him. 20+ years of friendship to end like that.
I loved this article! And it seems that ‘ghosting’ isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships. I’ve had supposed best friends ‘ghost’ out (which is actually what brought me to your blog today. I was looking for a distraction after finding out that a particular ‘ghost ‘ had exorcised herself right out of my life.). I just read this article and your ‘Month Without” article and I cannot wait to pull up the next article because you have a way of writing what is relative, despite any age, gender or geographical differences. Thank you!
I’m very late to reply this article but I guess it just means Ghosting is still the trend! Unfortunately…
I am being ghosted right now (yeah, at this very second!) by a guy I was supposed to go on a date with. We had a few great dates and he’s been texting me everyday for the past weeks. At the beginning I was not sure but I started to really like him. Suddenly he’s just stopped reading / answering my messages. Not the first time it happens to me, and I kind of know what to do (understand he’s not for me, cut him off right away with no other chance) but the thing I struggle with the most is the emotional state this leaves me in.
The incredible thing is – I know I would be very happy again if I just received a text saying “I don’t think this can work. Sorry.” or anything like that. It’s really the ghosting act that’s killing me.
I just feel so depressed, and worthless, and I can’t focus on my work / my friends / the things I usually love to do. It’s like my world has turned black because of this one person who I barely know and who is clearly not worth it at all. Still, I can’t help feeling like shit. I know it’s gonna go away, I know I will pick myself up and see the light and start dreaming of Mister Right again (hopefully).
But in the meantime – anyone here has a tip on how to get better, faster?
It’s hard, but I think going out and just making your self get out there and do other things really helps. Keeping busy is the best thing you can do – it changes what you are putting out there, and changes what the universe sends back at you. Its really shitty, and I completely understand…I felt exactly the same way. The only thing that helped was changing my focus, and also committing to not talking to this person for at least 30 days, because sometimes these types of people disappear and then reappear, and then disappear again…me taking ownership and saying I’m not going to contact him again, etc. really helped me. It became my choice.
You’ve totally got company! I’m in the same boat right now, too. I’m sorry this happened to you 🙁 I wish I had some amazing words that could somehow make it one hundred times easier, but words like that always seem to be in short supply.
Know that it’s ok and normal to feel sad. You’re grieving! When things are going well, it’s totally natural and reasonable to begin to harbor hopes for where a relationship could go in the future, and to start to have a sense of trust in the other person (which, by not being honest with you, this guy has betrayed.) It wasn’t right or decent of him. It was deceptive, and not cool at all.
I know you said that it’s been hard to focus on the people and activities you love, so maybe this won’t help, but is there anything that you’ve wanted to do, but haven’t had time or haven’t worked up the courage to do? For me, I find that trying to improve myself for the sake of becoming a better person (in order to give back to the world in general) can sometimes help me to heal. Is there an instrument you’ve thought would be cool to know how to play? An open mic night in a coffee shop you want to play and/or sing at? A self-defense course or free online course you’ve wanted to take? Is there a form of art that you’d like to try or learn more about, like ceramics, painting, drawing, woodworking, animating, photography, or videography, programing, audio-visual engineering, or some kind of contest or fest or exhibition you could enter art you’ve already made in?
Though the ghost-in-question will probably never know, I’ve found that taking on a manageable challenge like that helps me to gain some self-confidence back, and to know that the ghoster missed out on really getting to know a cool, well-rounded, interesting person who cares about growing and experiencing and learning new things. There’s also the very real possibility of meeting other cool people with similar interests while your at it!
P. S. As a joke (I wouldn’t actually do it, but it made me feel better) I was telling a friend that I’m going to email my ghost boy the super-sophisticated ‘Latin’ phrase, “Ghosterz r dum,” and then start up a band by that name. Ha ha ha… 😉 #ghosterzRdum
Hope you feel better soon!
I read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”; It really helped me. It anchored me. Also look into John Gray’s book “Mars and Venus Starting Over” for healing. Then his book “Mars and Venus On A Date” where I learned about the stages of dating and how to create an attitude that puts the dating process into realistic outline so I don’t create expectations which are out of step with where the relationship is. They are fast reads and focused. I felt lightness and clarity and restfulness after reading only a few passages of Tolle’s and relief on reading Gray’s books.
I was Ghosted and I am 54 and I thought she was the one. Shocked me since it had happened when we had an established relationship. Frankly I now pity the person who Ghosts. Laura lost a man who loved her. I lost a women who did not care at all for me. I did not lose so much as I gained a future. I can’t imagine now being with a person who is lacking that much compassion, empathy and self awareness.
Hugs fellow Ghostee
I’m glad you’ve gained some clarity. Good luck.
I am in my teens and was recently ghosted for the first time by a guy who I thought wasn’t capable of such a thing (I had heard of ghosting before it just never happened to me or my friends before) Me and this guy video chatted most days and were really good friends then one day he just blocked me. I was devastated not just at the humiliation I felt but at the loss of someone who had become a part of my daily life. A few weeks later I found out he had a girlfriend and even though I never got an explanation I believe that is the reason for him ghosting me. I still am not fully over it and am struggling to move on, I have started to talk to another guy but I just keep comparing him to my ghost. I feel as if I will never fully understand what happened and why but at all my attempts to move on fail I wonder if anyone has any advice. -cece
Im going through the same thing here. accept i was seeing this girl for almost 5 months now. it sucks that my presence are not felt and absence not known. I’m still trying to get over it right now. i have no idea what went wrong, where went wrong or what should i do next. i wake up everyday dreading about this and still, feels like shit.
I love this post…
I’m not sure yet if I’ve been ghosted by this guy or if his phone died (probably first option, tho) but what a horrible feeling it is when you don’t get a response from that special someone. After a year and a half of talking every day (we live in different continents ?) all of a sudden he didn’t reply.. then, he didn’t read me, then he didn’t even get my texts..
Not sure what to do now, if I should stalk him, email him or just wait or let it go.. bah.. ?
I loved this blog! I was recently ghosted by a man who I had been seeing for 3 months. We spent every day together, talked on the phone all the time, and texted regularly. He would initiate a good portion of the texts, plans, calls, etc. so I was just getting into that comfortable zone where you feel like you are dealing with a upstanding citizen. Well, one day out of nowhere, he went completely ghost. it has been 24 days and it has been very difficult. This is a 42 year old man and he should know better, but I guess not. The worst part of this is what it does to you inside. It affects your self esteem, you overthink everything, you come up with 100 scenarios…..it is horrible! Anyway, I appreciate your blog and I am glad that others can relate. I can only hope that these ghosts get to experience being ghosted at some point. A little karma may make them more thoughtful in the future.
Shared pain is half the pain.
It’s conforting to see that other people around the world had suffered from similar things. And realise that we are not the only one who had live this situation.
I was ghosted by a guy, two days after meeting him.
We talked every day for two months. He was what I needed, in every point. We live in differents countries. He also was thinking in the posibility to live with me in my country. He said that I was perfect (Yeah!) and that I make him happy.
Two weeks after our meeting was programed, he changed. He was more distant. I asked him for the reason and he said that he was not a social-media-person. He deosn’t have Facebook or Instagram or any other profil in social media. And he said that the time he was spending with me on his phone (Whatsapp) was very exceptional. And that I shouldn’t worry about anything.
We met, we spent a week end together in his house. He was a great host, like “mi casa es su casa”. He was tender and loving sometimes but distant other times. It was confusing. The last night, I asked him about « us » and he responded « I don’t know ». For someone who was doing plans for the futur, « I don’t know » is weird as answer. I felt rejected. We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue, but I didn’t know how make him tell me what he wanted.
We talked on Whatsapp the same day and the day after (programming our next meeting) I returned home. Then, he has become distant again. I asked what’s going on and he blocked me.
Three days after, I sent him an email telling him :
– how I felt after beeing rejected like that two days after a week end spent together
– communication exist and can solve many problems
– asking him for the reason(s), what they could be. I wanted the truth.
There was three weeks ago. I have no response.
I don’t want him back, I don’t want to be with someone like him, I just want to know the reason of this kafkaesque situation.
Knowing that you have been ghosted 3 times was sad and I felt sorry, but reading you (and the comments) maked me feel a little better. So, thank you very much for sharing.
(Sorry for my poor english)
This is an excellent article about ghosting. It happened to me a few weeks ago, and it’s hard to deal with when you care for the person who disappeared. It’s a cruel way to end a relationship, especially when communication is so important to me. I’d rather get a goodbye call than this! It’s a shame that people think that ghosting is an acceptable way to end a relationship. I’m dating again after getting divorced last year, so this is new to me. You’re definitely an inspiration!
I was truly emotionally touched by your comments regarding ghosting. I’m in my 60’s and when visiting my hometown several months ago ran into an old female friend of mine from my younger years. We hit it off very well and she strongly indicated that she wanted to continue to see me. After several dates, she advised me that she would be in the area staying at a hotel, which was a result of the travel requirements of her job, and ask me to stay the night, therefore resulted in us sleeping together. Afterward we talked, and both agreed we both had a great time. She suggested another date, including the date, time, and location, so we continued to text back and forth, but the evening before our next date, during texting I was sensing a change, but tried to ignore it. That’s when she texted and indicated she was sick, and she was driving to hospital, but didn’t have charger, but would texted me when out of hospital and home. Well – after several days I called the hospital to find out if admitted because I was planning on visiting her but they had no information about her, so I texted and then called leaving several messages concerning her health, but no response. Now it has been several months, and I tried texting her again, but the response I received shocked me – because the cell phone number had been re-cycled to someone else, and no longer belonged to her. But even today I find myself still checking my phone in the hopes it was a mistake, but now I’ve come to realize I’ve been ghosted. This was a term that I was not familiar with until now. At first it made me angry, but turned to short term depression because I couldn’t understand how a person could be in your life one minute, making you feel like your 18 again, and then disappear without a trace, or without even a text or phone call. I have to admit it kind of sickened me inside, causing me to be withdrawn until I was finally able to sort it out and deal with it on my own. Thanks for listening.
This article is amazing, I’m so glad I found it, thank you it’s really helped me a lot and opened my eyes.
It’s comforting too to know so many people have been through the same thing.
I was ghosted a few months back by a guy I’d been with for quite a while. I thought he cared about me, after telling me he did, and he seemed like a really genuine and kind person, I honestly thought things were going well.
But then messages got further apart and the excuses for not meeting up and rearranging plans started then one day just didn’t reply, I sent a message asking if everything was alright. Nothing. Then a few days later again. Nothing. I still don’t know what changed or what I did and I felt so down for so long after that and still do some days, more so recently after learning he’s got a new girlfriend.
But you’re right, it is such a cruel way to leave someone with just nothing, especially when you cared about them. But if they don’t even care about, or respect you that much to message back then why should you care about them? Just shows their true colors.
Thank you again, such an inspiration!
I’ve only been online dating for a few months, but my heart has certainly taken a few knocks from complete strangers in this time, ghosting is one of the reasons!
I also wish I could stop checking Whatsapp, the dreaded grey and blue ticks drive me insane when it comes dating!!
This was an epic representation of everything we go through and feel from start to finish in these situations; I think I am going through it right now actually – the maddening “check your phone every ten minutes” phase. This article was such a pick me up and a reminder that integrity is something that should never be overlooked. Love it. I also get the feeling there might be more gentleman reading this block than meets the eye 😉 … Happy Love Hunting y’all and keep those heads high!
When someone ghosts me after a few dates or more and there was some sort of indication that we would see each other again or they expressed some sort of romantic interest, this is what I text them:
“Hey, I hope you are well. I’m not one to ghost on people and quit talking out of nowhere. But it’s clear to me that things aren’t progressing between us, which is fine. I wish you the best. Take care!”
I do this sooner rather than later because a) it gives me back the control b) it allows me to be the bigger person and c) it allows me to call them out on their shit and let them know that this type of behavior is unacceptable for me. That way if they ever have the urge to reappear in my life, they know they better leave me alone.
I could care less if I get a response to this. I do it for my peace of mind
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your lives, loves and passion with others so freely.I can’t say I know you all well, but I can feel the palette of emotions here, as colorful as the turning leaves now falling across my neighborhood.
At over 60 I never thought I could feel a great love again. Contrary to the belief there are plenty of others out there, you only have runaway love but a handful of times. Why it has come again after over a decade of not dating is another story entirely, and not germane to this discussion.
I was not actually ghosted in the sense of it I have gained here. More I was cut off by attrition, by lack of any real contribution towards intimacy. Not silence, not a void, but a near vacuum where love finds no purchase. I have been “frosted”, and I don’t know which is worse.
My great shame is that I could find no way to share my feelings with the woman who awakened this love, out of fear she would reject it, reject me. For this I deserve your contempt. A cowardly man you can do with as you see fit.
To further the injury I hide myself from encounters with someone I only wish to love and cherish, to nurture my love. I am reverse-ghosting by avoidance. I am not strong enough, and the feelings too much to carry in her presence.
Do I regret this happened? Perhaps I do, yet I had no say in the matter, Love happens, and we are powerless to make it so.
Adrift where love found me anchored, I am raw and alive with an all consuming passion, driven before its fury. Alone, afraid, oh so alive.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this! I was pursued by someone online who I decided to open up to and give a chance. I was in the middle of a long and pointless relationship going nowhere and realized I needed a crowbar and a push. We met at a very nice restaurant and surprise, I liked him!
This is so funny because I got the same text as others described on the way home from the date that it was fabulous and he was so excited! I don’t share too much information so he asked in the text if he could know the last name of the beautiful woman he just had dinner with, LOL. He sent one text a week later to wish me Merry Christmas, I was skeptical but responded, then NOTHING. I had heard of this phenomenon but though it was for younger people, not someone self aware and over 65, HAH!
I went through the whole process of wondering if I should google myself to see what was out there to asking myself what I did wrong or read wrong. Then I was so depressed I ended up back in the same dead end relationship. Picked myself up again looking for the confidence to believe there is something better out there and started dating again. Haven’t met anyone to connect with more than a handful of dates and a couple of good friends.
I still remembered him as the only date with the promise of a spark but had put it behind me concluding that he was a player and moved on to greener pastures. Today he reappeared, almost a year later! A message and “interested” notice. The message was typical saying that he couldn’t believe someone had not convinced me to leave online dating yet.
I’m considering it and weighing the knowledge that it was a cowardly thing to do with the possibility of something else. But what else could there be as an excuse that would counter rudeness?
I was just ghosted yesterday. Getting back out on the dating scene for the first time since my divorce and this was my first encounter. We texted every day for three weeks and shared a lot about ourselves and our lives. We had two great dates and he said what a wonderful time he had and how much he enjoyed spending time with me and could talk to me about anything. He was always very complimentary and couldn’t believe how great I was. After our second date he texted me and said what a fantastic time he had and how fantastic I was. Then after a day of great texts back and forth I tried to set up a time to get together again and he said he wasn’t feeling well and perhaps another day. That was it. Nothing.
I completely agree with all of the advice that this has nothing to do with me and it’s all about something going on with him. I think the thing I struggle with the most is that there was no sign of this happening. I like to think I have a good read on people and I tend to ask a lot of questions and I can’t believe I didn’t even see it coming. That’s the hardest part for me. Trusting my gut reaction to someone. He had even told me one thing he hated about online dating was that people can just disappear and how someone had done it to him and he thought it was awful. I really can’t believe that less than a week from telling me the story he did the same thing to me.
That’s the worst part. Being vulnerable with someone and opening up to them trying to start a relationship and then the disappear. Feels so violating and it’s so sad that this is so common. I also figured this is something that is happening with people in their 20s and it’s a new phenomenon, but we are in our 40s and both having gone through divorces with children and all the emotional toil that takes; I thought for sure that this was not a thing I’d have to contend with at this age with all of the relationship experience you have to have had to get to this point. Guess I was wrong.
Oh well… I guess I’ve been spared actually becoming more involved with this man (or more appropriately termed — boy) and that’s the gift of ghosting.
I guess I would ask all of you who have experienced this… is there any forewarning? When you look back on the experience were their signs that you are dealing with a potential ghoster? That’s what I want to know to keep it in mind for the next time I meet someone that I could potentially see myself building a relationship with. Would love some advice.
It is painful being confronted with the emptiness, the silence and abandonment, especially since we are all too prone to fill that void with the worst possible scenarios. Feel compassion for yourself and, if possible, for this man. What else other than fear, doubt and poor esteem can make someone behave without compassion to others?
Perhaps next time you meet someone you can validate your expectation to be honest and clear about the process. They have nothing to fear from you except your honesty, clarity and compassion.
Don’t let this stand in your way to finding a sharing, loving, person who will open their heart to you. You are worthy of this. We all are.
Thanks Paul. I agree wholeheartedly. I feel that he obviously has something going on in his life that caused him to be a coward. I actually wrote to him and wished him well and told him what I thought was good about him in the hopes it could help heal the part of him that needs healing. I know this is not on me. Hard to reconcile why it’s so upsetting, but yes no point in spending time thinking of someone that no longer wants to be in contact with you. Thanks.
I was dating this guy for two months. He lived an hour away from me but we were texting every day. I would go down to see him on the weekends and he would come up during the week. I met his two best friends and he met mine. He met MY PARENTS (briefly, but still). We spent the night at each others places multiple times. We had talked about going to Chicago together. We were dating exclusively but we had never put a label on it (because of the distance factor). But then he started canceling our plans. Twice he said something came up and once he said he never got my text. He was still responding to me though, and he had valid excuses, so although I was suspicious that he was ghosting me, I didn’t want to ask for fear of seeming irrational.
Then, that next weekend, he just stopped responding. Ghosted. First time it’s ever happened to me too. I was (and still am; this happened semi-recently) shocked. I’ve read a few other blog posts about other people’s ghosting experience, just to help me make sense of my own, but most of them talk about ghosting after only a few dates. I hate that you were also ghosted after multiple months of a good relationship, but it makes me feel better to know that it’s not just me. The first few days after I was ghosted, I was convinced that I had done something wrong. But, you’re right, it definitely is a reflection of the other person’s maturity. It’s often hard to realize that, especially if you thought the relationship was going well, but it’s the truth.
I’m definitely still healing. I hadn’t dated anyone in a few years and being ghosted was not a good way to end that experience. But I know it’ll get easier.
Thank you for this great post!
To have the promise of love and happiness awakened does not, let’s face it, happen every day in most normal lives. It’s rare, fragile, ephemeral more often than not, and we are never certain of its purchase. One may get caught out in the open, vulnerable and exposed, having risked much at no small cost in that most sacred resource, which is love. As fast as it takes hold it may hasten from our grasp, vanish quicker than it alighted. Shock is an understatement. What cruel jest is this?
Listen to how the language of fear plays in my discourse. I am afraid to hold love, to trust it again, yet love is our only guide to feel love. To not hold love in your heart is to live in fear; to doubt that which most validates and defines our existence. I am determined to hold love as fast as I can. If not for the one I desire, then for the hundred other stories of love I pass by each and every day.
Love must be our constant companion in all things. This is our gift.
Thank you for writing this post. It is so good to know I’m not alone, although terrible to know others have experienced this too.
I have just been ghosted and my heart is breaking. I dated him for 3 months. In that time, I started to fall in love with him. We just got back from 2 nights away. I thought everything was going perfect. He was romantic, he was caring, he treated me so well. Then I started back at university and he disappeared. I text, I rung and now I’ve emailed. I emailed basically calling him out on his behaviour. I still feel awful though.
He was my first true boyfriend. I’m old (nearly 28) but have been through a lot so never prioritised love. I lost my virginity to this guy and he was so gentle. He is 40.
I expected so much more. I thought he was more mature. Just a goodbye text would be enough. Ghosting is so cowardly. And I even told him I’d been ghosted by someone after a couple of dates once and he disapproved.
I’m thankful to have been shown his true side now but my heart is breaking for what we had and what I imagined we’d have long term.
I truly hope my email has at least made him think and next time he won’t treat others the same way. I deserve better but gosh it hurts.
Time to mend my broken heart. After indulging in lots of ice cream.
Abandonment and the pain it causes is very traumatic, and it’s made more so because this person opened your heart to him and fled without giving you closure.
You are so deserving of love Heartbroken, and you will find yourself wiser when next you embrace it. You know the magic firsthand. I hope you heal swiftly and gently on your path to love again.
I really really feel you!!! My experience is so similar to yours. I met this guy and we went on two dates. Honestly, the first date is so amazing and like i told all my friends how amazing it was. It made me so happy. He asked me after the date if he can see me again, and I said yes so he drove all the way to my place for three hours to see me. The second date we kissed and he told me how much he is into me. However, he had to go to another country to study and we said we will keep in touch. I texted him first and he responded but it was obvious that it was very different than before. Its been two weeks since we talked and I know that he ghosted on me, I just don’t want to face the truth because it honestly hurts. Why would you want to see me again, why would you say you are into me, why would you cuddle with me if this is what you are planning to do. We’ve honestly only met for a week but we hung out twice in a week. This really sucks but I just feel so much better after reading your story and also the blog. I’ve always believe in meant to be, but I guess sometimes things just happen for no reason. I know I will be okay in the end 🙂
Haha. I just got ghosted yesterday. I was googling to see how many others have been ghosted and found this blog. I have been ghosted a lot of times and this one hurt(not the worst). We talked everyday for a few months and talked about our future together and finally set a date to meet(met online). She said she booked the flight to see me and after she did I booked the hotel. One day before the meetup we texted and she said she was excited to meet me and that was our last text. I texted and called her to makes sure the flight was okay and everything and I drove to the hotel and even waited for her just in case she showed at the airport(she told me the flight time) but I never got a response and realized she blocked me when I called her from my hotel room phone. This really sucks. I have a hotel to myself but no one to share it with. Ghosting sucks! It still stings and hurts my man pride but I guess she wasn’t the one…
God, that’s horrible! I’m sorry that happened to you.
I think ghosting is sometimes the product of guilt and embarrassment. Not that that makes it ok! A simple “I’m sorry, I cant” message can make a world of difference.
Hoping you are feeling better!
Oh, I’ve definitely been ghosted numerous times, and can never figure out why… The latest one though is all just a big huge mystery… and I ran into her today in person, how ironic, right?
The last girl, we met on Tinder, went on a good amount of dates, she even met my mother. The last time I saw her, I dropped her off at her house, told her I liked her, then we kissed. She went in for it too. It was the shortest most awkward kiss ever, took about 5 dates to make this move. She texted me the next day, then a few days go on and the texts are starting to come in slower and slower. Would take 12 hours to reply at the least. Eventually we started talking again, and each time I made plans to see her, she would send me a text that day giving me an excuse as to why she can’t see me. Eventually, she sent me a text saying she’s too tired to see me on nights after work but wanted to make plans for Sunday? So, that Sunday was Easter, and guess what? Got stood up once again. I have sent her a message since asking how she’s been ect, and nothing.
Today, I went to the fast food place as I do every week before class, and I see her car there… I go to the counter, look around, and saw her. She looked at me for half a second, turned away, and got all nervous. How ironic is it to run into your ghost?
Ghosting. What an idea. I did everything right. I got a haircut. I bought new clothes. I gave her a non-threatening invite. I let her pick the place. I wore cologne. I practiced my “Nice to meet you.” We had so much in common. I was nervous, I tried to use it to flatter her. I made non-creepy eye contact. I smiled. I laughed. I told jokes. She laughed. I said things like “Tell me more… I like that you… Tell me about…” I said yes, where I meant yes. I said no, where I meant no. I paid. I walked her to her car. I asked if I could see her again. She said I could, we made arrangements. I texted her after we parted and told her I had a great time and thought she was interesting. She replied in kind. Then, radio silence…
It just happened to me too! Twice! I think nowadays the dating apps + messaging makes it even easier for people to ghost on each other. It seems guys are becoming addicted to going on first dates then ghosting. Funny thing, though, when you stop messaging them, they’ll text you in no more than a week. But they still don’t want anything, just to know if you’re there, if you will respond. I’ll do this experiment now and see what happens if I don’t respond.
I went out with a guy a month ago, we were messaging all the time after that for 2 weeks (I was at another city for these 2 weeks), he asked me it he could be my boyfriend, talked for a few more days, then he ghosted me. When I finally understood it (it can take some time until you realize what is going on, but then I got it: no message is also a message…), he started texting again:
“Hi” (no answer).
1 hour later: “Sorry I was sick” (no answer).
30 minutes later: “Ignoring me?” (no answer).
Then I felt bad, I don’t like treating people like this, no matter how disrespectful they were, I’m not! So I just texted back: “Sorry, can’t talk now”.
He insisted, a couple of hours later: “I want to tell you something”
3 hours later I asked: “What’s uo?”
He then replied: “I love being with you”/ “I want to see you”/ “Now is not the right time for a relationship for me”/ “I think you are great”
After that, we talked a little bit more about his reasons, then all pointless conversations…
I though we would go out again, but guess what? He was gone again for another week.
And now it’s been going on like this, gone a week, then shows up and say “Hi”, pointless conversations and gone again.
Last time he mentioned he’s birthday was coming up, so on the day I wished him Happy birthday (knowing he was on his “gone” period), but it’s common courtesy, I am a nice and polite person, that’s the only reason, really. Of course no response, just a simple “thank you” would suffice, but nothing. That’s it, now I’m gone for good.
I’m really sad what dating had become, how people are so disrespectful these days. We’re all people, if you’re nice, treat others nice. It seems like it’s all about games now, and I’m really not into that. I prefer being single and happy than to go through these crappy situations. My time is precious, please don’t waste it! 😉
Appreciate the read. Been ghosted a few times before and it’s nothing new (29). Last girl though kind of hit more than usual. In nursing school right now and met this gal who worked over at a coffee shop. Came in and had a Gen 3 Pokemon on my shirt from a parody YouTube video and thought nothing of it. She was staring at it with the intensity of someone who knew the source material. Took a mental note of it and came back the week after on a day off (had a different casual shirt on) and spoke a bit to unearth she’s a bit of a dork too.
For the heck of it, I asked for her number and we went out. First date we went to the park and had a walk and talk (gotten lost too, sense of direction isn’t great lol) and got to meet some of her family when I dropped her off. Second date I was going to pick her up on my motorcycle and take her out to the movies (Do keep a spare helm, although that plan dropped that due to rain). Picked her up in my car, made a light dinner, and played some Mario Kart 8 on the Switch. Weather was nice enough in my town to take her for a spin to show her around town and then went to the movies. Felt like things were going well and she was having fun.
I liked her a lot, so was pretty careful not to text her a bunch. Learned from the past that I’m terrible at it and dug myself some early graves. Had a week off of school between quarters (still working full-time) and asked if she wanted to go out bowling or something. No reply since last week. I really enjoyed our time together, just wish the feelings were mutual.
I’ll take note from this article and leave a short closure. It hurts though, because she had all the right hobbies, interests and was fun to be around. Someone like that … isn’t common.
I just got ghosted a while ago. A friend who used to like me a while ago. Last time she message me was one month ago. But it was my fault I was being a little bit too clingy so now she ghosted me. I wanted to communicate with her but it looks like it is unlikely too late now.I feel awful I wish she would have let me know.
Amazing how many comments so much after this was written. I am on day 4 of not hearing back. He lives 3 hours away and I spent the whole weekend with him recently and we had been talking for 1.5 months. I come back and mention stronger communication ONCE and boom gone. He did tell me his previous ex (also LDR) was insistent on messaging always but I wasn’t like that at all. If he didn’t respond for hours I didn’t bug on it. I never asked to be exclusive or to be his gf but I guess that one mention triggered something. That’s my guess at least and esp since he’s far from me, there’s no way to determine what happened and that’s def the frustrating part. If I don’t hear from him after a weeks time, I am going to send a final text and close the book on it. But it’s my first experience and it’s def a knock to the ego and self worth. I just will never understand this need to disappear without a simple explanation. I would be happier with a “not interested,” text than nothing at all. But live and learn! That cowardly is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have.
Loved your post. Broken-hearted though. I am a 43 year old performing artist who reconnected with a 42 year old Jiu Jitsu practitioner flame from college on FB. I have had cardiac problems and have been in and out of the hospital. Despite that, for a year and a half, I experienced what I felt was an awesome friendship and hands down the most passionate toe curling sex I have ever had. Two weeks ago, over several days, he stopped replying to my texts altogether. For the life of me I cannot ascertain what I did to lose this wonderful reconnection. After sending several texts, I finally got the hint: ghosted. And at a time when I needed his friendship the most. Chalk it up to hormones,I suppose. However, I know we had a genuine connection. I’ve come to suspect that he found someone else with a perfectly working heart (in other words no “drama”). But I am going through such emotional pain right now, it rivals any pre-teen’s first heartbreak. Any advice is welcome ?
It’s been a year (almost to the day) that I was last ghosted. I’m still confused as to why it happened- but I tell myself sometimes in life, you don’t get to know the reasons. Besides, the “why” doesn’t really matter- only the crappy behaviour. We were together for 14 months. Yes, over a YEAR! We seemed to really click- shared the same interests, values, always had fun together, never had a fight, supported and encouraged each other, inspired each other. I knew he was somewhat emotionally unavailable, and that should have been the red flag on continuing in a relationship with him, but I gave him a shot anyways. So, one day we return from vacation and he’s getting ready to go to work while we discuss how to celebrate my birthday. He leaves….. and then nothing. Silence. No replies to messages (from a guy who used to message me several times a day). No calls. No nothing. I figure I’d give him some time, since he was starting his own business and was a bit overwhelmed. Meanwhile, my anxiety and pain skyrocket, but I keep telling myself he’s a good guy and just needs some space and time.
A MONTH passed, and now I was pissed. So I messaged him, calmly called him out on his bs, and dumped him by telling him I deserve better and don’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat people like that. Of course, that’s when he messages, apologizing, and “oh, I didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve been feeling terrible. blah blah blah. But at least we can still be FRIENDS.” YOU’ve been feeling terrible? lol! Friends? hahahahahaha! Hell, no! My last “contact” with him was the day I carefully packed and mailed his belongings back to him- no note. Clearly this man was not paying attention- he thought I’d be all dramatic and overwhelmed by his departure. It proves he never really knew me, or even tried to know me. Instead, I took control, broke up with him, and then turned away and walked. TBH, I’m still haunted by it sometimes. I still sometimes want answers (that I know aren’t going to come). And I’ve lost all interest in dating- preferring to just do my own thing, or spend time with friends. I’m 48 now, and tired of all the drama dating brings with it. Worse things can happen, than remaining single.
Thank you so much, Brenna, for providing some much-needed perspective and also humour… essential for anyone trying to get over ghosting! I’m dealing with being ghosted right now, and though our relationship was not super developed, the pain and disappointment is no less real. I had an excellent first date with this guy – dinner over 4 hours – which ended with him talking more than once about a next time. After that night, we started texting each other, not super regularly, but enough to know that we were more than just acquaintances. And I could see that he took pains to remember things about me and initiate contact. I replied a recent message with a slightly affectionate note – in keeping with how he wrote to me- but after that (and the app shows he saw the message), absolute silence although he’s active on social media. It’s been a week now. I guess it’s made worse by the fact that I’ve had a super huge (and untold) crush on this guy for the longest time, but i never ever thought it would be possible because he’s kinda out of my league and we move in completely different circles. So meeting him and sensing that he liked me and cared for me was really a dream come true…. it hurts all the more when you come crashing from that to reality.
Thank you for the post, and the comments. I’m feeling a bit better after your insight and maturity. This is one of the few articles (?) about ghosting that is actually helpful.
Thank you for this blog I needed to read this!!
I haven’t been ghosted in years mostly because I wasn’t actively dating for quite sometime. I decided to finally give this friend a chance I was always apprehensive him being 5 years younger than me. Doesn’t seem like a lot but when you are 30 and they are 25 you just know you are on the same chapter in life. I met him when I went back to college he was in a Spanish class of mine. He was always nice and funny and we could always talk. After his sophomore year of college he joined the navy and he moved to Japan. That was 4 and half years ago we always kept in contact he constantly video chatted, sent messages through Facebook messenger and called one another. Now a lot of the communicating was initiated by him, wish I just figured I was someone familiar I mean we have known each other almost 7 years now. So when he came back to the states for leave he dropped 900 in bank account for me to book 4 nights at a hotel and gas to drive the 700 miles there and back to spend time with one another. So I drive up to VA and the first day i’m exhausted and he just comes and cuddles with me and shows me some (adult) attention and we fall asleep. The next day he leaves and says he has to take care of some things regarding the navy. Well he left me at 8 am and by lunch time I was getting a little lonely in a hotel room. I call him and he is just chilling. I got upset because why would you make plans months in advance after video calls, texting for 4 years only for that person to come see you and you don’t spend time with them. So he comes to the room and tries to take me to dinner and drinks at 9 at night but by that time I was so upset I didn’t want to do anything. So we stay in because of course I had already order some take out and needed to calm myself. We talk apologize to one another and go to sleep. The next day starts much like the previous day he has to handle some business i’m left alone to fend for myself. Now I will say that this was the first time he has been stationed in the states since joining the Navy and while on leave he had to get a phone, car, and apartment. Not making an excuse just telling you what I was being told. (already had got the phone and car was supposedly looking for an apartment when he left me alone all day) So by 5 o clock on the last day I wasn’t so angry because I figured he was just “busy” like the prior day so I texted him “How is the hunt going”? No response….30 Minutes later I call….No response…..hour later I check my Facebook messenger….he is activate ….I ask is everything okay??…..No response. This is a man who has told me he loves and cares about me but won’t answer the phone. I’m freaking out at this point i’m in a strange city/state I don’t know anyone. So go to sleep and wake up to no texts or calls and I leave and drive the 700 miles back home. GHOSTED AFTER 7 YEARS!!
A part of me wanted to cry ( I did cry sitting in that hotel alone) the other part of me wants to send A LONG TEXT MESSAGE exactly how I feel. The only thing I did write was I made it home safely. Thanks for the weekend. He knew my friends and family and they all knew I was going to see him really pushing me to be open as I said in the beginning I don’t date often. I’m just trying not to let this HORRIBLE experience deter me further into my introvert shell! Thanks for you blog I just wanted to share my little piece of reality!
Thank you for the post! I’m 29 & just got ghosted for the first time. Basically, a guy at work & I started flirting, then hanging out, then fooling around. He’s 18 so I had my doubts about it, but he was always quick to assure me his age wouldn’t matter & treated me very well. We were very happy together for about a month & a half. He told me he loved me, told me how much I meant to him, all of it. And I was on cloud nine all the time. He even met my friends & family. And then a few days ago he got drunk & sent me some crazy messages, some of which were him telling me I was his whole world, some saying that his family hated him, etc. I was concerned about him & asked if he was ok, why was he drinking when he was supposedly at work, etc. I should’ve been more understanding & I see that now, but instead I told him I wasn’t ok with being with an addict (he literally said he’s an alcoholic & my ex was too which is why it bothered me) & that he shouldn’t come over to my house til he sobered up. No response. A few hours later, I texted again asking why he was ignoring me when I was concerned & asking if he was ok? Still nothing. The next day I sent an apology text, but nothing. Tried to call because he missed work without calling, still no answer. I sent another apology text & also just asked to even be told yes/no that he’s ok, but still nothing. I sent one more text this morning, but it’s been almost 48 hours since he last texted me. I know he’s alive because he rejected my call after two rings, but it still hurts that he can’t even just tell me it’s over. I really do love him & I feel horrible for how it’s ended, but I guess I’ve learned my lesson on sending meaner messages without thinking. Hope everyone else who has been ghosted gets their closure. I’m struggling right now to feel ok through all of this.
Thank you for this article. It was very encouraging.
Thanks, Marsha 🙂
Thank you for writing this article, Brenna. I was ghosted for the first time after I went on 5 dates with a guy and was speaking with him many times per day via text. There was strong chemistry from the beginning including shared values, lots of laughs, intimacy and joint conversations about the future. I was really excited about our beginning ‘relationship’ and couldn’t believe my luck in having met him on Tinder; he expressed the same. As soon as I declared my feelings for him (which he also reciprocated), the communication started to tapper off with eventually no response from him to my text message. I have struggled to accept his actions which I find highly disrespectful, particularly as his issues with his ex-girlfriend largely surrounded communication and her not replying to text messages. He was the first guy I dated after a failed engagement of 6 years ended and being new to app dating, I hope I’m able to accept modern love and there’s luck to be found!
This article hit me. There was an introverted guy at work who flirted with me nonstop. One of the bosses noticed and talked with him. I found out through someone else at work. His attitude changed, we still spoke, and I could tell he was interested. I stopped working there. I Skyped him several time with no response from him. Now If I don’t close my Skype down at the end of the day, he won’t get back on until I’m off. So, yes, for whatever reason he has been ghosting me. Strange dude!!
I could so relate to your article. Just to say that ghosting is not a new phenomenon! I am in my 40s and was ghosted in the mid 90s by someone that I saw almost every day for nine months. He just moved one day and didn’t tell me or his roomate! It took me months to get over. It sucks, but you are right, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you enough or just doesn’t care enough to let you know that it’s over. I still sometimes think about him and hope he is ok. (And no I haven’t stalked him over the internet – in case you are wondering – mainly because by the time I thought of doing that I had already forgotten his last name).
Most of the people who are doing shitty things like ghosting someone usually have a personality disorder (narcissism, sociopoath or psychopath) or definitely are very high on the scale with these traits. All I can say is educate yourselves on this and learn your weaknesses so you can spot them early and protect yourselves. They are dangerous people. Take it from someone who married a narcissist. He happend to pass away from cancer after just three years of marriage though. I didn’t know that he was a narcissist until I meet someone who ghosted me and the way he made me feel. So I started doing some research and found information that described my husband. Man, was I dumbfounded!!! And I suspect my ghoster was the same thing. I can tell you that I am really good at protecting myself now. It’s not your fault! Good luck to you all.
5 Gents now 😉 great post, It happens both sides and always wonder why not just send a message to say they weren’t feeling it rather than leaving it all hanging?
Definitely right that those people just don’t have the courage to perform a slightly uncomfortable act.
I’ve been ghosted. Once. By my wife. (International marriage.) She ghosted her bff at the same time, then eventually started breadcrumbing me. We’re all stunned beyond the beyond.
I’ve just been ghosted…I think. I wasn’t sure how to wrap my head around but after reading your article, I finally realized that I was ghosted. We were together for two years but it was a long distance relationship (international). He came to my country last month and I though we had a great time together but once he went back to his country (the US), all communications stopped. His last message was ‘we had a lot of laughs when we were together’ so I thought it was positive but that was it. I have no idea what to do. But I guess I should move on. Thank you for your article.
Another man reading your blog..lol Now 6!! Well I appreciate your view on ghosting and yes it does make you feel less then you should and it’s tough to not feel bad. You’ve opened up to another and they take a part of you with them leaving a tear in both your heart and spirit. Yes you can and should move on yet no matter what it remains a part of those feelings for a time more then you may desire or wish remain. I’ve been seeing a woman for pretty consistent amount of time over this last month. We went on a great trip with each and I posted photos of us and the scenery we shared. Right after that she became a Ghost. Poof!!! Liked her a lot. Hard part was I hadn’t dated for over a year due to a horrible breakup over a year ago. and I really liked this new woman, this definitely does not help with getting back “out there”.
This post and all of the comments have made me feel so much better about my current situation, so thank you to everyone for that! I ended a very long relationship about a year ago and just started to dip my toes back into the dating pool. I created a profile on Match, paid for only a 1-month membership because I was hesitant about doing it in the first place, was inundated with a ton of messages (as I think women often are), and responded to only one because I liked both his pictures and what he had to say (doesn’t happen often). And we totally hit it off. Tons of chemistry and it seemed like there was a lot of mutual interest and attraction. I couldn’t believe my luck that my first foray back into dating was going so well. He seemed so into me – but as often seems to be the case, based on many other stories I’ve heard – as soon as it started becoming more physically/emotionally intimate, he started backing off. Still, even though he wasn’t texting as much, we continued to see each other and would talk and laugh for hours when we did, so I’d get my hopes back up. We only saw each other 6 times, but every date was super long (I’m talking 5+ hours) with 2 overnights. I had started to trust him and get excited that it might actually go somewhere. He would volunteer information that would make me think he was interested in a relationship with me, like that he’d let his Match subscription expire. I mean, why else would he say that?! Then when I had to cancel our last date because my grandfather had been moved to hospice, he was very sweet and understanding and told me “I’m not going anywhere.” Which is exactly what he proceeded to do! I haven’t heard from him in almost a week despite him expressing interest in seeing me again. Like many others who’ve been ghosted, I’ve been racking my brain wondering what went wrong and feeling very confused and hurt. Currently trying to decide if I should just let it go or reach out in a last-ditch effort to get some kind of closure and to at least make him feel a little more uncomfortable about ghosting me. Anyway, I thought I’d share my story in the hopes that it might make someone out there feel a little better about their own ghosting experience. Also, it’s been pretty cathartic for me to get all of this out, so thank you Brenna for the forum to do so 🙂
I know I’m a little late to this article (3 years) but it has really helped. I was dating a man for about a month. Text me from the moment he woke up until he went to bed and dates that last 8 hours at a time. He sent flowers to my job after the first date and would always tell me how lucky he was to have met me. And then one day similar to your situation with Nick. We saw each other spent all night together (I actually had to call out of work because by the time we went to be it was 8 am. We didnt have sex, just making out) he left told me he was so excited for our date later that night. Texted me when he got home. And I havent heard from him since. I’ve reached out a few times. He kept me as a Facebook friend and I dont think my number was blocked. I texted him one night after drinking a few weeks after it happened. Saying that I not sure what happened but i kinda miss having him ton talk to and hoped we could be friends. He never replied. I feel like I am hanging on to him because he ghosted. Hes constantly on my mind even though I dont want him to be. Its helpful to know that this happens all the time and that it just means he isnt mature enough (age dont make a man) to handle things. Which in the long run would come up.
I know I am posting this late, but thanks for the info. I thought I had been ghosted, but the ex-bf of 7 months did reply to my email that he wanted to be on his own with the holidays coming up. So guess I wasn’t totally ghosted as i did get a text response, even though a phone call would have been nice (he said he had wanted to call but had been drinking). He treated me to a big day in NYC the day before, guess that was his way of saying goodbye in his mind.
I’ve just been ghosted for the first time by a female friend (100 per cent platonic – I’m not what you’d call a man’s man and I just seem to get on better with women than men) and yes, it sucks big time. We were quite close and we’d known each other for about 3 years. However for the last few months, she’s just gone completely. Nothing – no replies to calls, texts or emails. No warning, no hint that anything might be wrong. Just silence.
Once I eventually realised what was going on I left her a final message saying, quite simply, I was very sad we weren’t in touch any more, wishing her well and leaving the door open. After all, who knows what the future holds. I’m not holding my breath though…
As a novice “ghostee” It took me a long time to figure it out – I’ve replayed everything over and over, and I couldn’t think of anything I may have said or done to offend her – I may be wrong, and if I did offend her in any way I’d hope she’d be able to tell me – but she just stopped all contact.
I just couldn’t believe she’d do something like that, but in the end, I left the situation with my head held high, my dignity intact and feeling like I’d been the bigger person. Obviously I’m still waiting for a reply to that final message, but I’m slowly starting to see sense and move on without her. I hold no bad feelings towards her, just disappointment – both for her and for myself, after all I had an idea she was ignoring me but I didn’t want to believe it… but I’ve learned one thing, and that’s never, ever ghost a friend – I’ve never done it, and having been on the receiving end I never will, it’s a lousy, manipulative and cheap move against somebody who cares for you.
As an aside, I also love whisky – at the risk of offending the entire population of Scotland and the worldwide diaspora of Scottish ex-pats (sorry guys, I also love a wee dram of highland malt!), I can heartily recommend a Welsh whisky called Penderyn…
Anyway, time for me to leave. I wish you and your readers peace, love and happiness!
Yours at the ouija board,
I’m being ghosted as we speak. I met this guy on Tinder and we texted every day for about 8 weeks. HE wasn’t like other guys I’ve come across on there, he never tries to turn the conversation to sex, never sent any dick pics, it was refreshing. He made me feel good about myself and I put my trust in him which was a hard thing to do for me after being bruised by a previous relationship. Finally went on our first date last Tuesday (which we both said went great) and he continued to text me, saying all the right things I.E. what a good time he had on our date, that his feelings hadn’t changed, that he was up for a second date for a couple of days afterwards. The very last text he sent (on Thursday) was him saying he had a great time and was glad we’d finally met. Then on Friday and everyday since then, nothing! I really liked him, I trusted him and he fucked me over! It hurts a lot and I just wish I knew why. Although I can take some crumb of comfort from your article, it still sucks ass and even though I know I shouldn’t, because you’re right when you say if he can do this now what might he do later down the line, there’s a part of me that still wants him to text me back.
I wrote the previous post and I was reading back over it, saw your post and felt compelled to reply.
Sorry to hear you’ve been the victim of yet another spineless “man” – I use the term lightly – treating a girl so callously. Yes, girls do it too and that also sucks, but I’m a bit old fashioned, and I firmly believe that men need to improve their manners and have some respect for girls. And that’s coming from a man. (English if you hadn’t guessed).
Being ghosted is no reflection whatsoever on you, but it speaks volumes about the person doing the ghosting. I said it before, it’s a horrible way to treat somebody – it’s downright insulting and disrespectful – and people who ghost are, in my opinion, utterly worthless. Beneath contempt.
Treat this as a lucky escape – if he hasn’t got the decency (or the guts) to send you a quick “sorry – I’m not feeling it” then quite simply he’s morally bankrupt and has no place in your life. It’s actually a very good thing that you’ve found out what he thinks is an acceptable way to treat you. Put him where he belongs – miles behind you – and move on. When it comes to standards, he’s made it obvious that his ceiling is your floor. You deserve so much more, so much better, than the way you’ve been treated by this idiot.
Loved this post.
I think the most important takeaway is empathy: Knowing how it feels to be ghosted and trying your utmost to be mature and honest about your feelings with others.
Ultimately, emotional maturity and adult-level social skills will play a big role in future relationships.
Need advice ! I read this blog and must get some input from people who have also dealt with this ghosting.
I started seeing this amazing guy who lives an hour away from me. We met twice for dates where I live, and had a blast. He was extremely flirty even before we met in person, and when we did meet he was a gentlemen until I gave him the go ahead and after that he was kissing me and hugging me while we stood on a tower checking out amazing views. Sigh anyways the last date we had he was so happy and saying how he would absolutely be back – we had fooled around a little no sex. He actually had to rush back to where he was from to help a family member. So things were good and suddenly a few days after he texted me saying that with his work schedule (he works nights and sometimes 85 hours a week), he doesn’t know if he can do a relationship. When he is off he spends time with his teenage sons. (He’s divorced). He even said he hoped I wasn’t upset with him. I wasn’t! Thank you for being honest . Well a few days later he texted me in the morning as usual and I was glad he could still chat and we could even talk during football games via text. He’s a nice guy and doing that is fun. Well things got cold and his mood via text changed and he wasn’t nearly as interested in things. No random texts etc. my guess is that he is having trouble just being friends since he is so attracted to me. I tried to text him a few days ago telling him that his favorite cigars are back in stock at a small shop near me and never got a reply. Nothing. My friends say I should invite him up for New Years to go to dinner , get the cigars and check out a party. I would love to see him and don’t know if I should ask. If anyone has advice and what I should say to him please let me know ! This guy has been so helpful with me moving on from my ex and I truly like him….
I’m also boggled by the way a man is treating me. He is my best friend and we have blurred the lines for over 12 years. He moved away 3 years ago , and lives about 2 hours away. He has a Gf but all I ever hear is how unhappy he is, and how she’s cheating on him. the flirting has ramped up a lot with me to the point of sexting and he tells me how he loves me and wants to see me but he has to figure out his schedule. Well I’ve been waiting for him to figure out his schedule for over a year. I’ve dated a couple of guys since he moved away but always in my head I think of my friend. I do love him but I also know that he won’t leave where he is because of many things. He has it good. When he texts saying he wants to see me and will call when his schedule allows I ask him, WHeN?? He vanishes for days. Ghosts me. Any question that deserves an answer he tweaks out and ghosts. I have tried everything to try and get him to come up and see me and he’s even suggested ways to meet but it never happens. I’m sick of the ghosting but don’t want to lose my friend. How do I text him about this ?
Thanks for this post. I had four great dates with a girl over a month. Lots of talking. She started calling me pet names and suggesting a trip together for Christmas.
She had to go on a work trip for a few days, but she said I could warm her back to life when she got back. I sent a few check-in texts to see how she was doing. I planned things we could share and talk about when she came back. But… No response. Weird. I thought maybe she was just tied up and busy. My phone had been acting up, so I sent a quick message about how I was getting a new phone. She wasn’t even online anywhere for a few days. Had something terrible happened to her?
The following Monday, I saw her go online on her work Gchat. At least she was alive! But I was utterly baffled as to why she wouldn’t respond to any of my texts or say hi after all those days. I spent a lot of time ripping my mind to shreds to figure out what I’d done wrong. Her last texts to me were affectionate. It’s truly disappointing. Did the time we spent learning about each other mean nothing to her?
I agree with how a quick honest text is the best way to end things (if that’s the reason I haven’t heard from her). I pegged her as a straightforward girl, but maybe this is just her M.O. Maybe this is how she ends all her relationships. Nothing I can do but wait and explore other options.
Great read. I’m a 41 year old man with social awkwardness. Went on my first date in 10 years. Thought I would die from anxiety leading up to the date as the woman I was meeting was gorgeous. We played pool and darts and although I was socially awkward I do think she liked me for that reason. I could tell she at least liked me. Received a hug goodnight. Messaged her the next day. She enjoyed meeting me too! Texted me her phone number. We met on a dating app. Over the next week and a half was a confusing time of radio silence to “Definitely want to go on our 2nd bowling date!” I was patient in this process. Not over texting but then the slow fade turned into a ghosting and not hearing back after 8 days. I’m still in shock. Opened myself up for the first time in 8 years as a socially awkward man and that really stung! I had never heard of ghosting before that.
These are exactly the words I needed to hear tonight. I’ve been ghosted before but only after a week. I had been talking to this guy for a month and a few days. We’ve called, FaceTimed, texted everyday. And we’ve been on three dates (I even spent a whole weekend at his apartment). I really liked him and it honestly seemed like he really liked me. We made plans to start a Netflix series together and we were trying to work out when we would see each other again with our schedules being so crazy, especially with the holidays. But all of a sudden (on a day I was thoroughly enjoying, I might add) he quit texting. He didn’t return my call, my texts. BUT had the audacity to watch my story on Snapchat. The second day I asked him what exactly was happening. No response. The third day I told him how I felt and that it would be the last time I reach out to him and then I moved on. It sucks whenever it happens after a week but it hurts whenever you’ve actually built some kind of relationship with someone and then they just disappear with no explanation whatsoever. And I really thought he would be different. I’m 27 and he’s 28. He seemed to have been wanting the same things that I had been wanting. We were both tired of games, we were tired of being let down. We got along great and he was goofy and charming and all the things that I was looking for. And then BAM. I was no longer what he wanted. I’m still just trying to figure out how to stop putting the blame on myself somehow and move past this. Your words have helped me tonight and I thank you for that.
I read this with a mix of amusement and trepidation, and the message I took away was to just let it be and move on. Thank you for this, it reinforces my own opinion to just get a grip and move on instead of worrying over things outside of my influence.
I just got ghosted! Thanks for this article; it made me feel better. I won’t bother sending her any further text, complain or ask for explanations.
I did a close reading on all the male responses, so I guess I will share my story (28 year old male who started seeing a 29 year old single mom).
Sorry for the long text, if anyone reads it, feel free to leave a comment 🙂
A close friend of mine and I were going to a party, in which he said, when I showed up at his door, that his sister will be joining. I greeted her and thought “damn, it’s a bummer that she’s good looking but I will try not to do anything.” Naturally, since she had similarities with her brother and her brother likes to hang out with me, we got along very well during the party and we chatted + sat close to eachother the majority of the time. She left early because of being sober and tired but added me on Facebook the day after. We started texting, a lot. Then we started meeting up. Everythng just felt so natural and effortless. I did not want to do anything to a friend’s sister unless it was something of the more serious kind. The touch, the laugh, the kisses; they all came naturally. When I woke up I would almost always wake up to a good morning text with nice things in it and when I messaged her, she would respond in 1-30 minutes no matter the case. We texted a lot and we had a few meetups during a 3 week period. I thought to myself “Damn, this might be something good Martin!”. Then, a negative experience in her life was about to show up (she had told me that she had a lot of luggage from a former relationship that made things difficult for her, adding something else on top of that might have been too much) and everything started to change. Her messages went from being lovely with considerations, smileys and quick replies to very slow replies and short answers like “Okey, hope it goes well.” or just responding to parts of the message. After a week I noticed that the bad thing had happened so I called her and she actually replied. It ended with me traveling to her place (around 2 hours with bus) and talking to her. She seemed to have changed. Did not want to touch nor kiss in the beginning of that evening. Later that evening, it ended up like how it used to be: lovely with touches, kisses, smiles, laughs and other intimate moments. We went out to eat the next day and she drove me to the bus station. When I left, the slow/short texting had begun again. I remember asking her to call me after work one day (she did not like to talk over the phone) but I did not get a reply. As I am writing this, I can now understand that I was being ghosted.
After this, to find some kind of closure for myself, I wrote a text about wanting to know if she wanted to end our contact or if she just needed to be alone. This happened around one week later after the “ghosting”. She then, some day after, replied that her brain is messed up, resulting in that she does not know what she wants but she would love to be my friend. This came with a short apology. To all of this, I responded something like “I don’t believe that I can be only friends with someone that I have developed strong feelings for”. She met this with a sad smiley and that’s the last thing I’ve heard of her. I sometimes look her social media up where she posts a lot of happy and pretty pictures, as well as adding a lot of good looking single guys to her friend list. I am pretty sure that whatever the reason was that made her not continue seeing me the same way she did before, she has no problems moving on since she always told me about how many guys that was hitting on her. I just feel so confused and have a hard time of “letting it go”. Going from seeing someone whereof everything felt great, to just abruptly ending it without a clear (for me at least) reason, feels wrong. This person also said plenty of nice things about me and asked me to join her, her children and her relatives during Christmas Eve etc during the first three weeks. Everything just took a 180 degrees turn and I’m having a hard time of getting over it.
One thing I will take with me from your article however, is the following: “When someone ghosts you, they’re showing you exactly who they are. They are showing you that they are capable of acting quite selfish and inconsiderate… and why would you want to be a person like that?”. As a guy, I often ask myself the question “am I good for her?” but I often forget the question “is she good for me?”. The answer to that question might be: “She was, but she isn’t anymore.” and that is something I need to work on/accept.
Some other piece of information that a friend shared to me, which might benefit some of you out there, is:
“People that feel bad during longer periods of time often build up a facade in were they can hide their true feelings. These people often become very good at only showing the “sunshine” moments of their lives (kind of like how social media is portrayed nowadays) which might mislead people. What if she showed the sunshine side for 3 weeks and then just didn’t have the energy to keep it up any longer? That person, the no sunshine person, is the real her.”
Wow, thank you so much for this article, really. I am 35, and I was not online dating, I met someone totally organically just before Christmas and we texted back and forth all day everyday for 2 weeks. He makes plans to come back sooner than expected. And then he vanishes. Disappeared as quickly as he appeared into my life. I didn’t even know this was a “thing” in modern online dating (because I don’t use those apps, my heart would just get broken too fast there). I wasn’t even looking for a relationship but I had an open heart. I feel I was taken advantage of, and obviously not respected. But reading this article here helped a lot. Thank you so much for it. And loving your horse photo haha. x
I just recently got ghosted, i was in a long distance relationship with a guy for almost a month, he is a very nice and charming guy, he says how much he “loves me a lot” “has strong feelings for me” “would do anything for me” (i did not really believe the would do anything for me part) i seriously thought that we can further our relationship, i was texting him and asked if he wants to video chat with me via whatsapp and he said yes and when i got back home i asked if he wants to video chat and he kept changing the subject and i asked again and he ghosted me just like that, i was shocked, was i hurt? yes i am but why would he ghost me just because i asked to video chat with me? if he is not comfortable with it he would just tell me. Im glad i dodged a bullet, its obvious he does not want to further the relationship, on the positive note good thing its only a month, if its a year it could have hurt much worse, mine could be in the list of “the most ridiculous reasons why they got dumped” “the most ridiculous reasons why they got ghosted”
This post helps me a lot
“A ghoster’s reasons for ghosting are often all about them—they’re not ready for a real relationship, real feelings, real conversations, etc.—and have nothing to do with you. So if and when you ever get ghosted, walk away from that situation knowing you dodged a bullet! And you’re better off moving on.”
I just got ghosted this week by my girlfriend after two years . She is from Southeast Asia and we had visited on a couple of occasions . Until the week before she vanished she told me she loved me . Suddenly she vanished . This really sucks because we were not fighting we never fought and our texts were always loving and caring. This really hurts a lot . It’s worse than just being dumped at least that I could understand.
I met a girl on tinder and we had been talking for a month. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot but we really got to know each other. We had so much in common and she was so loving with me. We couldn’t go on a date because she was living at campus several hours from me and we were both so busy with school and exams at the time. She finally gets back from campus after 3 weeks & we had plans to just hang out in a car together because everything was closed (corona virus). Anyways to get to the meat of the story, in the middle of a texting conversation she tells me that her ex just called her and that she hadn’t spoken with him in so long. I asked why she would even answer and she said that it was because they were friends and ended things mutually. The thing is though that he had moved to another country for work for over a year & just got back into the city today. I told her how I felt about it. Being a man myself I knew right away what his intentions were so I politely asked her to just cut him off. She said no because they had a mutual friend group so I compromised and said ok thats fine just as long as he doesn’t text or call you. Anyways she ended up being mad at me for being “insecure” and ghosted me. Like a fool I sent a bunch of texts telling her I was sorry and that I loved her blah blah blah. She never replied for 2 days straight but kept looking at my instagram stories. On the 3rd day I sent her a good morning text and wishing her luck on her exams. She blocked me without saying a word. It really hurt and can’t stress enough how much pain I went through in the next couple of days. All the things she said to me, all the I love you’s, I miss you’s, the empty promises. Anyways just wanted to post this for my sake. It helps being able to vent to total strangers haha but ya getting ghosted might be the worst feeling ever.
Hey man. That’s tough. She may have impulsively shared that he ex messaged her or she was testing you to see how you’d react or she was looking for attention. You were a little too abrupt in how you dealt with this information. I would have let it subside unless she shared more information about it. Let’s say you guys date and she gets back with the ex. Do you really want a woman like that? I think that people can be friends with their exes but it’s a rare thing. I think it’s Ok to tell your gf if something bothers you but you also have to show that little things don’t bother you. Simple communication with an ex is seemingly a little thing.
I started dating a woman once where she basically chose me over the ex. The ex was moving back to where she and I both lived and was getting in touch with her, at the same time that she was starting to date me and another guy. I have no problem with that, as it’s OK to go on a few dates with multiple people as long as you’re not leading anyone on and being cautious with your feelings and their feelings. So she followed a certain pro hockey team and I suggested going to watch a game out of town where the team she liked were visiting. It turns out the ex had already asked her to go to this game. In the end she chose to move things ahead with me so we buy tickets together. Meanwhile, the ex, who’s team is the home team at this game, still goes to the game, which is OK. But it appears he was watching us from a distance as he commented about it to her. The next month here any I attend a burlesque show together where everyone including us, are dressed up in 80s attire according to the theme. He shows up at the event and confronts me in the washroom. He tells me how special she is and that I’m really lucky and need to take care of her. He also asks me not to tell her that he spoke to me. So, I told her. I thought it was weird and creepy. Anyway, I told her that I wouldn’t mind her talking to an ex but since he expressed that he’s interested in her and wants her (to her) that I don’t feel that comfortable with it. In a nutshell, we weren’t right for each other and now they are living together which is fine with me. Just fyi, she didn’t think him approaching me in the bathroom was creepy which I think is way off. I’ll say this, I broke things off with her, and she had a hard time with it. She took some time away from dating before she starting dating him again. Nothing wrong with getting back together with an ex, but it’s how it comes about that counts.
From your comments, it does come off that you are a little controlling and insecure, especially when you’re just starting out a possible relationship. If something like this comes up again, take a breath and try to think before you react. It might have been better to have brushed it aside that day and bring it up another time or see if she talks more about it again. Also remember that text is ambiguous at the best of times. It’s easy to offend and get offended over text and for misunderstandings to occur.
Did you every talk to her on the phone?
I enjoyed the article. I’ve been ghosted before and was recently ghosted again but something harsher happened. I had planned to go on a 3rd date with a woman, who went silent shortly before the date, then blocked me. More details to follow, but I found new term for something like this called “cloaking” which is a harsher form of ghosting, where the ghoster blocks you from text and/or social media.
Anyway, I met Allie (not her real name) on Bumble. We matched and she contacted me telling me that I looked familiar and if I had worked at such and such a place (being careful here). Anyway, she was working on a contract for a short time and our paths crossed briefly. It seems she remembed me more than I her though it came back to me. She is very pretty. Anyway, she got a little flirty that night and I was able to get her phone number and we texted for a bit before bed. After getting to know her a bit more later, I kind of felt that she into the wine which made her a little more confident, flirtatious, and honest about how horny she was. Her profile listed she was looking for something casual and she told me she recently had a bad breakup and wasn’t looking for anything serious. I also just ended a relationship and was not looking for anything serious. Anyway, we texted over the next few days but then she suddenly stopped answering, so I just let it be. She also deleted her Bumble account.
Anyway, about 3 months later I saw her on Bumble again and texted her. She immediately replied and suggested she was surprised I kept her number, where I inferred that the acknowledged ghosting me, though I’ll agree it’s not quite ghosting when you just text over a few days. It was a sitiuation where things seemed to be going well with sudden silence. I told her that I remembered that she had told me she had gone through a bad break up and that I figured she just wasn’t ready yet. She didn’t acknowledge the reason but was very appreciative that I was so understanding. (For all I know, she could have gotten back together with her ex or met someone else, but my gut tells me she just wasn’t ready to go on a date.)
So we text for a few days and she seems happy about reconnecting with me. She’s responsive and happy about us going on a date to meet for a drink which I brought up. She was busy that weekend traveling with a girlfriend and when she got back she texted me about getting that drink. She has two young kids who are with their dad one week on, one week off. We go for dinner and drinks that Wednesday. She appeared different in person. Very shy, reserved, and nervous. Didn’t reveal much but was sincere and a good listener. She also was very touchy with my hands as we sat and talked. She did talk, but I just found that I was controlling the conversation even though I was mindful of giving her chances to share. The date flew by – 3 hrs – and we could have gone on longer but it was 11 pm and we both had to be up early in the morning for work. I walked her to her car and we made out. We really enjoyed kissing each other. She was nervous about people watching as cars drove by. It just seemed like we could have made out for a long time. I did think about suggesting to go inside her car (or mine) but I just let it be. Though her new profile said she wasn’t sure what she wanted yet (“Don’t know yet) I kind of thought, hey. She’s pretty and seems really nice. Let’s move slowly. I like her.
She messaged me when she got home to tell me she was safe and that she had a really nice time and thanked me for dinner. (She also got leftovers for lunch…lol). It really seemed like things were going well.
I texted her the next day where I also brought up that a character in a movie reminded me of her. It was Little Bo Peep from Toy Story 4. I won’t explain why I was watching it. Anyway, her response was something like “Aah so you’re thinking about me” which I was. I sort of wish I didn’t tell her but was also a bit surprised she replied that way. I sent her a funny “busted” photo along with another one where I said “also busted” and we had a laugh. I then messaged her about going for another date, a steak dinner and said yes and seemed excited about it. She liked steak. We agreed to go out Saturday night.
I messaged her Saturday morning and it took a while for her to reply but she did and said she wasn’t feeling well and had been napping. She said that she didn’t feel like a big steak dinner but that maybe we could do it another time. We went for a walk, then for appetizers and drinks, and then a movie. We saw a scary movie, which she likes, and we were all over each other during the movie, just holding each other and being affectionate. I drove her home and we made out a little in the car and then I walked her to her door. I messaged her when I got home and she thanked me for a nice time and mentioned cherishing our kisses.
We had talked about going for a hike the next day during out date and she seemed open to it. Here kids were back with her on the Monday. She had also just moved into a new apartment and still had a lot to do to get it ready. I texted her on the Sunday the next day if she wanted to go for a walk or something and/or to get a cold treat. She was appreciative but said she had a lot of stuff to prepare for her kids and I understood. I wish I would have let her be that day after. We texted the next few days but then she went cold. I felt that it was too much for her so I sent her a text saying that it seemed she needed her space and to let me know when if/when she wanted to chat again. She replied telling me that she realized that she really enjoyed spending time with me but that she was not at all ready to date yet. I sent her a nice message saying that I although I was looking forward to getting to know her more, that I understood. I told her that I wouldn’t contact her again until she did and that I respected her need for space. She was very appreciative.
Well, when we had reconnected she added me to Snapchat. From that point on I found that she regularly looked at my SC stories that I posted but I didn’t take that as communication and I didn’t view her stories. This was at the beginning of July. Near the end of August she replied to one of my stories and we started chatting (over SC) again.
She still did not appear ready for a date. She watched all or most of my SC stories and viewed a lot of hers. She was very inconistent over the next few months. I did most of the initiating but she still did at times. She seemed more talkative when she was out with friends drinking or at home with her kids (having wine alone). She seemed more reserved during the day if I every messaged her.
I brought up going for that steak dinner at some point. I think she ignored it the first time. At some point she admitted that she would like to go on a date with me but that she wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t push it though I might have insuniated going out a few times after that, here and there. At some point I asked if she ever went curling. She mentioned she had tried it in school once and she said she would like to go curling with me at some point. But I didn’t push it. This past January I mentioned going, and she replied that she couldn’t until the following week because she had her kids. When I gave her a date she agreed to go and she seemed enthusiastic about finally going. I let her be for a bit and then touched base with her about the date where she didn’t reply. The date passed and I sent her a message seeing if she was OK. She left them unread and blocked me on Snapchat about week after our scheduled date.
I have left her alone. I didn’t text her or try to connect with her on other social media. I thought she might be going through something or that she met another guy. Anyway, I think I had some hope that she just got scared and shut things down but maybe she’d be back. This has become fresh because I saw her FB recently (I wish I had just let her be) and I noticed that she’s in a relationship and the guy is hanging around her kids.
I’m sorry for all the detail. I’m being cautious about what I put in and I know I put in too much perhaps too.
I’m just feeling that she discarded me like trash. I realize we weren’t dating and I had more invested in the notion of her and I dating in the future than she did, but it still hurts. I also realize that I need/want someone who can handle an adult relationship where you talk about things that need to be talked about, and she’s not someone who can do it.
One of my best friends, a woman, tells me I dodged a bulllet and I guess I did. She also told me that this girl strung me along showed me who she was by ghosting (discarding) me. I guess I felt that if I hung in there we might get that 3rd date. She ghosted me about 3.5 months ago and is now in a relationship. It hurts but I’ll be OK. I know I’ll be OK because it has happened before and I’ve really realized that the other ghosters were not good for me and this one probably isn’t eithter. I should have been a little more cautious about how much I invested in her in terms of my hopes and feelings, but I’ll learn. Thanks for listening.
During this crazy pandemic, I recently got gradually ghosted by a boy that I am going to go to the same college with, after meeting virtually on an Instagram page dedicated for students to meet each other. We talked for a little over two months straight (all the time, every hour of the day sometimes, and we’d FaceTime everyday) and we never got sick of each other. I almost thought I was in love. We told each other how crazy we were for each other after talking for a while and he always made sure that I knew how excited he was to meet me in person finally so we can hang out and go on a bunch of dates together that he had planned.
Maybe a week ago now, he all of the sudden just stopped Snapchatting me within a day and started to not FaceTime me in the evenings anymore. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even call me by my nickname, Ez, anymore (which he always did), so the texts got less and less personal. He stopped complimenting me and sending me sweet messages. I don’t understand how it just changed so quickly within like 3 days.
I just talked to him last night after basically begging to call him so I could get some answers, and we ended up deciding to stay friends for the time being until we actually meet at college. He said that he had some personal family problems, and that he was very busy with work and friends, and the virtual friendship/ relationship thing we had could be a lot sometimes, which I understand. Even though, before, he was never too busy to give me a quick call in the middle of the day because he just wanted to say hi. He also said he was trying to stay off social media and he never uses snap chat anymore (which I know is a lie because I’m able to see his Snap Score which shows how many snaps he receives and sends in a day…. kinda creepy I know but yeah. ) He said he lost feelings. Ouch. That one hurt very bad.
Nevertheless, I thought it was the mature thing to not get angry at him because I’ve never met in in real life, so we decided to be friends. Even though I think that that’s probably for the best, I still don’t understand how it was so easy for him to just not want to talk to me or even see me anymore, after months of him saying such lovey dovey things and after so many inside jokes and movie nights and hours of talking. He told me I was the best part of his day and he thought I was the cutest girl in the world and he felt that he had “zinged” when he first talked to me over FaceTime. He even talked to his family and friends about me and vice versa.
I have had so many anxious breakdowns these past few days and I just feel so hurt and betrayed. He apologized for not being more upfront with me but it doesn’t feel like he truly meant it. If he cared or had respect for me, which I thought he did, he would’ve just said he needed a break. Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt me?
I get so terrified when I think that he probably met another girl that is more interesting or pretty than me or something but it’s the truth. I also know since the school I’m going to is so small, and our sports teams apparently hang out with eachother a lot, I’m going to end up seeing him quite a lot, so I guess it’s good that we decided to be “friends” for now. He did tell me on our last call that when we get to college and if we start fresh and hit things off, his feelings for me could potentially come back. And is it bad that I really hope they do? I’ve had quite a few relationships and romantic flings in the past but I had such a good feeling about this boy and I was so excited for everything. And I know he was excited too and he said that he meant everything he said in the past, so I don’t know what happened. How could you go from telling someone how crazy you are for them and establish such a great bond and then just not want to even see their face anymore? I don’t even know what “friends” means right now. One snap a day? A week? No FaceTiming anymore? I’m planning on not reaching out anymore unless he does (I doubt he will but maybe he’ll miss me?).
I absolutely loved your blog post, it made me feel a little less alone in this weird situation I’m in.
I know it’s crazy that we were able to form such a tight connection just over the social media, so I’m hoping that when we get the chance to meet in person, things will be even better. He said over our last call that he guarantees that we will be very close in college. I’m not sure if I should keep my hopes up or prepare for the worst when we get to college in a few months. Until then, I’m not really sure what to do with my feelings for him and if I should try to keep in touch or not. Help!!
Hi Brenna. Thanks for this article. It widened my eyes more.
It’s true there are things we never see coming and among them is ghosting.
I had this online dude friend that ghosted me without a warning as well. I wasn’t expecting anything other than friendship. I thought this time I had a true friend and there it was… The price for meeting someone new and opening up to them.
He tuned me out like I was a complete stranger to him again.
It hurts and also wipes down self-esteem but at least it gives us the insight of knowing when such happens again.
We are all worthy of honour and dignity. Let no one make you despise yourself again.
I have just been “ghosted” completely unexpectedly. Left his home with a loving hug and kiss good night and since the next morning no response… and he is definitely also not dead. My heart has been breaking for 2 days and I don’t understand why someone would be so cruel and leave another person to fee
this bad. I would never want anyone to fee
this bad because of something I have done/not done. Your post here has really helped me. Thank you for sharing. x
[…] I’m not going to lie, I sometimes feel like a phony writing about dating and relationships, because in the grand scheme of things, I haven’t been in very many good ones. For most of my twenties, I was in relationships that always seemed so dramatic; these relationships were defined by very high highs (think travelling the world together, watching sunsets on foreign beaches) and very low lows (think being cheated on, or being ghosted after three months). […]
Best essay on this topic. Only one on the web to not suggest you ‘write him a note and then have some symbolic ritual to burn it’
I last saw him on my birthday, 3 months ago. I sent him a series of scathing texts, vented, lots of swear words, by this point I didn’t care if the coward read it, I just needed to not be the bigger person here and ‘cut him as emotionally as he had cut me, and then I deleted every picture and every message and his number.
He was my very best friend, my very favourite person, we laughed so hard together and had the best time. He is nearly 60, so so disappointed and heartbroken, it really did bring on abandonment issues and depression. I knew him 4 years and we were getting closer in the pandemic and he just ran. Coward! Coward! Coward!
On reflection he was always the problem. Twice married, ghosted his ex girlfriend of 3 years in the same way.
The hard bit is we work for the same company. It takes all my self discipline to not send a message in Teams. Luckily we have little or zero need to interact. Colleagues ask after him because of how we were always together and i brush it aside and try to stay on professional topic. That is the only hard part.
Not sorry I gave him what for in those messages, its the only way I knew to stop cyber stalking, to stop being soft. Staying away from men with names beginning with M?
Been on the dating apps, plenty more fish, someone younger has asked me out. kicking a** at work, finishing projects. What doesnt kill you can only make you stronger, dealt with far worse, stronger woman for it.
Thank you for such a great article.
I forgot to add that there is no right way to dump someone. Its always going to sting, but ghosting is the lowest form of torture. For all those who have known the person for yonks…it is absolutely personal, because they knew you enough and decided to be such a sh*tty person.
It caused me to doubt myself, over analyse every single moment we were together replay scenarios in my head, be really jaded because it hurt so much. 3 months later I am still working on forgiving myself for being taken in, practicing lots of self care. Reading far too many quotes I emphatise with on Instagram?
This idea that people come into your life for a season/reason is real mature but at least let me know in advance if all i am going to be is temporary. Lost all self respect for the twerp, i am lying if i deny that i love him, love the idea of him. Absolutely love me more. And if he decided to be with someone else, changed his mind, was being held hostage was sick (he is very much alive – I can see him in Microsoft Teams!). opening his mouth, a haiku text on the toilet, anything.
Even in my dating quest, I say before I block someone, kindness is free. Cowardice is a choice.
I was ghosted by a friend; THAT hurt. I had no clue why he stopped talking to me. I think it’s because he’s in a relationship, but I don’t see why that then means stop talking to another girls entirely. He never said anything to me either so I have no clue.
Now another friend of mine, who I became close with because of COVID, might start ghosting me. He just got into a relationship and his girl is jealous that we talk a lot. He lives in another country across the ocean and I have a boyfriend I love very much so this girl needs to chill, I’m not interested in him at all. Now I feel like he’s not going to put any effort into our friendship and I’m going to lose a friend. He already stopped starting conversations with me. Now he just views my messages. I’m really heartbroken by this, all because of a jealous girlfriend and her insecurities.
I got ghosted recently, we actually hadn’t like said we were dating yet but I really liked her. We met through TikTok (I’m a highschooler) she said i was cute and we started talking (online we lived in different states), we talked for about a week or two, I had never been in a relationship before but I’m a hopeless romantic and had high hopes. we went on one facetime date where we just talked, I asked her on a 2nd date, she came and showed no signs, next day I texted her too no reply, I figured (hoped) that she had simply lost her phone (were teenagers so its a possibility she got in trouble and her parents took it.) but a week later I was on TikTok and in my notifications shows that within that week she had liked one of my posts! So not only had this girl ghosted and blocked me she liked my post despite it!
This is a brilliant article that really stands the test of time. I am new to dating after a long-term marriage/relationship ended. Upon deciding to be really selective with the next person I date, I met someone. After we messaged for two months and met up once both having had a really good time and continued to message after the date with him being very interested in my life, I am now being ghosted. I’ve read so many articles on how to handle it but this is clearly the best. The pain is harsh but the reality that he just wasn’t into me in the end and I probably dodged a bullet with an immature person, is also difficult to accept though I’m sure I will.
Thanks for your article. I have ghosted someone. I had a close friend (I thought) for>10 yrs. We did a lot together and that included our husbands most of the time. As the years progressed I realized that a lot of the fun we had together revolved around alcohol. I also noticed that I shared a lot of personal feelings with her and didn’t get the same from her. She rarely showed empathy and did not offer any comfort or acknowledgement when my dog died. Her husband got angry with me several times when I expressed my opinion that differed from his….then things changed. We were not invited over as often, she ignored me in a group of friends and then became best buds with a mutual friend of ours….seeing her very frequently . I felt thrown under the bus. I did confront her about ignoring me and she didn’t know what I was talking about. And why didn’t I confront her about our relationship as a whole? I will say because she would t talk about it anyway. She is as closed as a steel trap. This situation bothered me intensely for a solid year. Finally I blocked her on my phone and social media. I also knew she would never ask me what was wrong. Although I knew she suspected the negative relationship between myself and her husband. I did send out an olive branch in support of her about a year ago when friends of mine and myself suspected she was being abused.. I never heard a word….and that is ok. I am 63 years old and I will say that this behaviour can happen at any age.
I just had a difficult situation and this really helped out! Love the article and so glad to know it happens at every age. After reading this I can just let it go and move on!
Truly helpful topic and finally I can clearly see that the problem was not from my side. I was ghosted recently from a girl that we were dating for two and a half months. Our first date was all magic ,she showed all the signs that she’s really interested, we were talking constantly and laughing for 4 hours, we talked about previous relationships , she bumped me most of the time during our walk, we had constant eye-contact and she even caught me in surprise when she said me that she loves seeing couples being together after years of relationship which seemed to be our common belief! After that we were chatting relentlessly with lots of underlying words and how to move on and even she initiated contact. Then at my name day she didn’t text me neither called to wish me, even though I called her at her name day! The second date came after 7 weeks after the first (yes too much time) and she constantly talked about her shelf and her job. I tried to attract her to sit somewhere on purpose and to switch conversation and mood but she kept declining and kept walking for 2 1/2 hours which ended out of the blue when she finished the conversation and asked me to leave and head back to our homes. Returning back, I took her by surprise when exiting the subway I followed and asked her to escort her home which she refused again!! After that , chatting kept going regularly and she even initiated contact teasing me and one day I asked her for a third date which she agreed. I sent her a message asking to fix a convenient hour but she left it unread until Monday which she replied with apologies telling me she was ill and will remain for a few days!
It’s plain obvious that she’s isn’t interested and purposely she kept chatting, flirting with me in order to gain temporary confidence and feel attractive as a woman.
hash tag me too…twice in a row.
My boyfriend of 5 years, we lived together in the first year, I took care of his mother for another year and half, and I suspected he was not in love with me for almost all the relationship, but he kept lying saying he did and I thought “maybe I’m being paranoid”…one day, stopped talking, after a week or so I asked him if it was over (his silent treatments were sort of normal…) he said I was not invested, I was not interested in the relationship, in him. Still didn’t say it was over. Another week and I asked again: Did we end things? Is this the end? And he ghosted me. Forever. Blocked me. Doesn’t read my messages. 5 years ended up like this.
After this, I met a guy, we started talking, flirting, for over a year the texts were escalating. HE sent me lovey dovey messages, good morning good night texts with hearts and all sweets, we were sexually insinuating to each other…after one year, out of nowhere, he started to be more distant and cold. For I think weeks I kept thinking that maybe I was being paranoid. And one day it was so obvious that I confronted him: “I see that you left me alone here…”. And he said “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me. I have to be alone”. And that was it. He stopped talking to me. Well…not exactly. Not 100% ghosted. Pulled away may be the case. He then tried to make it be as it was but not emotional. Meaning that he tried to pretend he still wanted to text me and have fun…but I ghosted him. What would he expect? That we kept sending texts but without any meaning? And he would only reply if he didn’t have to be alone? I would be left waiting? I gave up on him. And he seemed mad and now he’s cold and ignores me, doesn’t send any texts anymore and takes time to reply to my emails (when I have to send – we work together) and sometimes doesn’t even reply. When we meet at work I keep being nice and casual. I treat him as a friendly coworker. He sometimes leaves as fast as he can, other times finds reasons to keep talking to me…I don’t engage anymore and I think he finally cut me off. What could I do? After a year almost like a couple via text, very intense, he can’t tell me in words that something happened and he changed his mind? He ghosted me as if I was crazy and mistaken my coworker sympathy for something more? As if he never have send me hearts, sweet texts and engage in sexual hints?
So, I recently got ghosted too. After going through the article and comments I feel so much better. So, I was talking to a Korean guy I met online on a language exchange app during Corona lockdown. We’ve been talking to each other almost every day for the past 8 months. Mostly texting throughout the day and video calls. Somedays he would even video call me morning, afternoon and evening. He would share every little thing about his life with me. I saw all 4 seasons through his apartment window. He even called me from top of a mountain when he went hiking. He would make funny faces to make me laugh. He would call me when he was down and needed my energy to cheer him up. He would motivate me when I was feeling down. It all went well for months. Then one day, out of the blue, he stopped replying me. He read my text but didn’t reply. I asked what’s going on. He replied after a day “I’m not ghosting you, I’m just busy”. And then we texted again for a couple of days and he called me again for a couple of days. Again he started ghosting me. This time, messages weren’t even read and he was MIA on social media. I was worried if something had happened to him as he lives alone. I called his phone number, no answer. Later I got a text, “I was sleeping”. At this point, I realized something was off. He was ghosting me “slowly”. Again we talked for a few days and he left my messages unread. At this point, I had no to let this out. It was the weekend, I sent him a long paragraph of text stating my concern. He didn’t see or reply to it. He was off social media too. I don’t know what happened to him. Is he dead or alive? Who knows. But it was a slow ghosting experience.
I searched this Topic and found this article. I believe I have been ghosted this week and it hurts deeply. Any other time, I would probably be fine but I have been vulnerable the last few months. Long story short was I was dating a guy i met for few weeks. We spoke daily on phone and on what’s app. He wanted us to have dinner on Saturday with lockdown being eased and restaurants with outdoor space now open. I was excited as I haven’t really been out to eat since November. He sent me a really nice message before bed about how he was glad we met and how he was looking forward to the weekend. The next day i sent a what’s app message and noticed his picture displayed was blank and message remained on 1 tick. I didn’t think anything at first. I messaged lunch time and still 1 tick. Again i thought maybe his phone died. I called in the evening and it went to voicemail. The following day I sent a text message instead and it remained on “pending status”. I started getting a little concerned. After sending another what’s app message which remained on 1 tick it dawned on me that he may have blocked me on whats app. This suspicion was validated when i saved his number on my work phone and was able to see his photo and that he was online 5 mins ago. The realisation hurt me deeply. I started questioning, what did I do, things seemed perfect. I tried calling but this time it wasn’t even going through. I was tempted to what’s app from my work phone but thought there is no point. If he has blocked me then he is not interested. I really feel down about the whole thing. I even bought a new dress to wear out for the dinner that would have been yesterday evening. The whole experience has left me questioning myself. What’s wrong with me, was I not good enough etc. Just thought I would share as I am up near midnight trying to sleep and forget the whole experience.
We’re in 2021 and ghosting is still a thing! It has even graduated to ‘cloaking’, where someone not only ghost you, they also block you on any channel of communication they have so you will never get in touch, no closure, no last word, it’s like it never happened. Seriously what is wrong with people, have we become so broken that we can’t even communicate a few lines that would put someone at ease and set them free from endless debates in their heads, over why they have been ghosted. The argument may be ‘I don’t owe them anything’ but you at least owe it yourself to be a decent human being by doing the right thing. I don’t know what kind of person reads someone’s message asking for closure/explanation or understanding, then ignores and then you go about with your life. I dunno, sounds like someone who is not a very nice or a good person despite our initial impressions of them. People who do that lack empathy and compassion and I don’t know why anyone would want to be with such a person in retrospect.
one of the most interesting ghosting posts i have read.
no wonder so many comments.
i put it on reddit.
I met a guy through Tinder and at first I wasn’t really interested in him (even forgot I had swiped right on him lol) but slowly but surely we found out that we had so many things in common, even asked each other to stop ‘copying’ each other. He had a very rough past and said that it would be nice if I could listen to his story someday, which I was really down for but never really got to that part unfortunately. We talked every day, annoyed each other and laughed and video called constantly. I’ve never really had a real relationship but I really thought this could be my chance. But of course, one day he just vanished. He never replied and his social media is no longer active. His last message was a sweet good night text. At first I was really worried something might have happened to him and I was checking the news everyday with dread (we live in different countries). It was REALLY hard as I was crying every time I’m alone in my room. Also didn’t want to open up to anyone and just wanted to wallow in my sadness. People say I’m crazy for falling in love with someone I hadn’t even met but it was so rare to find someone like him. Wonder if I would feel that kind of spark again with someone someday.
I was ghosted by a guy 6 years ago and recently he texted me and it has made me feel a range of emotions first one being confused and anger at him for suddenly deciding to reappear and confusion as to why.
This is the first time getting ghosted but after reading your post i feel better about it as it does seem to be a move a coward makes.This guy started talking to me and he seemed to really like me but he would rush to say things like he is falling in love with me since the day we first spoke.
He would send me these long texts of how much he cant stop thinking about me and to be honest i never believed him but i did start to like him.i knew he might have been talking to other women as that is normal i guess but he sent me a text that was meant for someone else and i confronted him saying that i have no problem with him talking to other people as we are not in a relationship but he shouldn’t send me messages about how much he loves me if he is doing so.
last day i spoke to him he asked me what i had for breakfast and then a week later he has just disappeared
I met this great guy around Thanksgiving of 2019 and we hit it off right away, you can tell there was definitely chemistry between us. The first day we met, it was like we’ve known each other for years. We were both being honest and vulnerable with each other and he had told me that he had a criminal record from drugs, apparently he had a problem with drugs about 6 years ago. At this point, he was doing very well in his life. He had a good job, a house, 2 vehicles. He was going in the right direction with his life. Now it’s 2020, COVID year. I didn’t hear from him in like a month then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he texted me to check in on me to see if I was doing ok with the pandemic, that was in April of 2020. I texted him a couple days later after that and I got no response. I just took as, ok he met someone else and moved on from me. Of course, I was hurt but I got over it. Well come to find out, that’s not what happened at all. 7 months later, November of 2020, I was thinking about him one day and Googled his name and the first thing I read was his obituary. I was in disbelief. I went through all the stages of grieving. I had to find out what happened to him so I texted his brother and he told me that he overdosed and died. I was totally devastated. I couldn’t believe it. So this is a good example of just assuming he “ghosted” me but he really did die.
I miss him a lot. RIP RONNY!
I got ghosted by a 44 year old man this year after 2 months of phone calls and dates. We fast forwarded to ‘the end’ after he cancelled a second date on me last minute and I called him out on it…but I really wasn’t expecting him to just evaporate from my life. What kills me is he let me sit for 48 hours thinking maybe he was in an ICU unit with COVID….when he absolutely was not in that situation. Just horribly mean and inconsiderate behavior. I miss the potential of what we could have been, but I guess I really didn’t know him at all. I’m a newbie to this ‘swipe’ online dating world, so this first experience with ghosting has been painful as hell. What gets me through is knowing that one day I’ll wake up and just won’t hurt like I currently do. Hard lessons.
For anyone wondering if this is in anyway confined to the younger generations it definitely is not. I am currently being ghosted by a 60 year old man! I’m 15 years younger so of course I have encountered ghosting before, but not by someone who I assumed (wrongly) would be mature with some old fashioned values. Nope. First date was brilliant, we chatted endlessly, he was respectful and texted right after to say how wonderful it was to meet me and he was very interested. I responded with a genuine message saying I also thought he was lovely.
He happened to be going on vacation a few days later and he even texted me from abroad, along with photos. Everything he said and did indicated he was looking for a relationship. When he returned he asked me out for dinner. That’s when I started noticing some cracks. He was super casual now and left it to me to decide where we ate, Okay…. he then simply said “see you then”.
What happened and did I do anything wrong? In retrospect he might have just been gearing up to just get me into bed. Or perhaps I was too keen. I had to postpone dinner because of a bereavement, but I gave 2 days notice. When I did what he asked and let him know when I was free on the weekend, he left me on read….It’s been 26 hours now. I’m 99% sure he is now a ghost, I’m unsure if his level of interest was deliberately fake or shallow, or if I did not play the dating game right or put him off somehow.
The bottom line is this though: people are allowed to change their minds; I just wish they would say so. More to the point, I wish even more that guys would not overdo the attention if it isn’t sincere, This could be the result of manipulation or wrongly assuming lots of attention is required to secure me, and why try to do that anyway if you’re not sure about a relationship? At the end of day it isn’t how I would behave.
Well, at least I get to use the ghost emoji once again when I text my friends later. ?
I was recently being ghosted by someone I had a 5 year relationship with. Unfortunately it was one of those relationships we both knew wouldn’t go nowhere because we couldnt be together the way we would’ve wanted, but we fell inlove with each other still. We both been dealing with things in our life layely and had arguments and I blew up badly 2 times. We didn’t talk for 2 days. I felt bad and tried to reach out and nothing. I tried each day for 3 days later and still nothing. It felt extremely heart breaking and painful. How can someone you love and who supposedly loves you just ignore you like that? He does like his space and needs his alone time but to flat out ignore me without just telling me he needs space when I was trying to reach out to apologize? I finally broke down and texted him saying….if you’re just going to ghost me then please don’t ever contact me again in the future. I can’t be put through this pain again. I will always love you. You do what you gotta do and I wish you the best. Then he replied…I love you too. Sorry for all the pain I’ve caused. Wish you the best. You will always be my angel with silver wings. Good bye. I’m heartbroken.
Nice article, I wanted to point out that ghosting is more common among women, its just we guys are more prone to getting rejected and we brush it off more easily. I don’t think ghosting is a new thing, it happened to me even back in the 90ties with people I used to talk a lot via msn messenger and sms or even yahoo. I think when someone ghosts you, they just want an easy way out without any drama and I know it does hurt because I learned my lessons from being ghosted, its just that it feels so sad to loose a person no matter the circumstances and worst of all without proper closure. But remember people, in almost all cases you can never control a person’s actions only your own. cheers!
I just read through some of this. It is nearly 3 weeks since I’ve been left hanging on Facebook. I got in touch with my kindergarten teacher after more than 30 years. She was one of my favorite people. Still is. A gem.
We first texted, then we connected on Facebook. We had a great start, no problems. But then she left me wondering in mid June when she just blocked me.
That was our only chat. She had said she was going to get in touch again for the next week, but nothing happened. I’ve texted her on and off to see what’s going on. She’s not responding. I still have hopes though. But I’m also really hurt :(.
Thanks for writing this. I needed to read this today and you made me laugh. Thank you! It’s 2022 and ghosts are still real. Ugh.
I came across this behaviour/term in my late 30s. It was a female friend. Rather a mom, her kids were in the same play school as mine. I made peace with my self though I never got closure and it took a big toll on my emotional health.
Thank you so much for for sharing this Brenna, your words have helped fill the hole that cowardly ghost has left. I’m 53, he was 62, we’ve known each other for almost 10 years but lost touch about 4 years ago. We reconnected, spend a wonderful weekend in the mountains and out of the blue tells me he is open to a relationship. Almost instantly there was this very slight change in his attitude and how he responded to me….but I wrote it off as it was me being overly sesitive or insecure. We continue seeing each other for several more months. Then just as out of the blue as it began…it ended….without one single word from him.. ..poof! I tried to tell myself it was his loss, I didn’t want anyone who would treat someone like that…but the feeling of not being enough that I was left with has not faded at all… Its hard aging as a woman, it’s like suddenly you’re invisibe ….what a cruel heartless thing to do to someone ….I used to think he was one of the kindest people had ever known….now, many months later, it still hurts and I don’t see myself ever being in another relationship but now I see him as the true narcissist that he is. He’s not really kind, he just wants to be the hero for everyone, but especially if youre a young female and cute and really really grateful….I wondered how did I miss that whole narcissist vibe that was radiating off him… and then I remembered that sudden slight change in attitude and how he responded to me after he brought up being open to a relationship….In that moment in the very beginning he told me everything I needed to know about him and showed me the true narcissist that he is but I chose to ignore it…I blame myself, for not neing more aware, for being gullible but mostly for just not being enough
Hi Jane, you are more than enough..just count your blessings
So many comments even after so many years. I got ghosted this January 2023 after 10 years of friendship and 2 years of relationship. I was in Africa and moved to the US in early 2022. After months of talking and his conviction of being ready to start a family, I finally agreed to be with him and since we are in our mid 30’s it is also a good time to start a family. He was in Texas and I was in NYC and we haven’t seen for years. Honestly, he invested in me and was very kind to me. He would go out of his way to do the things I didn’t ask for. We eventually met and spent the Christmas holiday together and with his folks, his parents were very excited for us. For the first time, I felt love without worrying about anything… and I was getting the everyday phrase “I love you more”. We already talked about having kids and how to manage the distance pending when I can move to Texas. We had a good time together, we were happy, had no issues, nothing whatsoever and then I went back to NYC. Four days later he went silent. When I called after two days he said he was dealing with something personal….and that’s it till today. I was pained but maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I am counting my blessings…
I was seeking closure, at least to know what went wrong, but I stopped and I find it inhumane and disrespectful to not tell someone you share an affinity with that you cannot do this anymore.
Fantastic article. I was widowed after 24 years and started dating a couple years later. The first person I dated lasted one month, we got along great, texted regularly and everything to me seemed wonderful. Without warning he ghosted me and blocked my number. I found him on a dating website and left a message stating if he had any values he would have not ghosted me or at least said why he no longer wanted to communicate. I saw that he read the message and then “unmatched” me. What a gut wrenching week. No closure. One can only hope the same is done to him, so he can experience it.
my name is gary im in australia my wife and i married for 43 years done allmost evry thing for her i mean i did doo a couple mistakes but nothing serious
untill one day one year ago we had a little argument about her going gambling i did not like that im not a gambler so i told her no you not going not becouse i dint want her to go i just told her that you go gambling 3 to 4 times a week that is what i told her she got up from the chair and said you cant tell me what to doo im going and you cant stop me
thats when i got suspicious the minute she left i went in my car and see what was going on she seen me behind her car than she called me and said when i come back home tonight we are done so she called it off. after having a nice family 5 kids with her and 43 years married she tells me that i dont love you
i said how long is this been going on that you dont love me she said its been 20 years that i lost my feelings i did try to get back with her after all this but no way so she told me to get out thats all its now been one year not a word not to be friends as well no calls no messiges nothing she just wants to say hi when we go to family functions so what doo i doo it hurts a lot not one year or two but 43 years together and now its all over and i blame myself for it thank you