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On Ghosting (and what to do if it happens to you)

Brenna in Prague

Prague, Czechia

The first time I was ghosted, I didn’t understand what I had done wrong.

I met Chris in a little cocktail bar one rainy night in London not long after I had moved to the city (sidenote: my best friend has demanded that I never again date a guy called Chris… I’m cursed with guys called Chris). We had a fantastic date, one of my best ever, and it culminated with both a passionate kiss and an invitation to a second date. He texted me on the way home.

“I can’t stop smiling…,” he wrote, and oh my god, there is no better feeling than getting that text after making out with a ridiculously hot, ridiculously intelligent journalist named Chris, let me tell you. He was the inspiration for the second part of this post.

Over the next couple of days, we texted back and forth and made plans for our upcoming dinner date. And then, the day before, I texted him to confirm what time we were meeting. No response. That seemed a bit strange, but I tried not to let it bother me until the next day. By lunchtime – I would assume we were meeting only a few hours later – I texted again. Yes, oh yes, the dreaded double-text. But I was kind of worried, and very confused.

“Hey,” I texted. “Are we still on for tonight?”

And that, dear friends, is when I encountered my first ghost.

***

Before Chris, I don’t think I had heard the term “ghosting” before. It essentially means to just disappear on someone, leaving them hanging. This can occur in many ways – the good old-fashioned “he stood me up” bit – but nowadays tends to occur when someone simply cuts communication altogether. I’ve also heard this referred to as “blue-ticking” someone, meaning you can see that they read your message on WhatsApp (or whatever form of communication you use) but they didn’t reply.

I seem to recall a Sex and the City episode where Miranda gets stood up for a date, and her friends pipe in that he might have died. And – any SATC fans out there? – if memory serves me correctly, he really did die. OK. If someone ghosted on me and then literally turned out to be a real ghost i.e. he passed away… yes, I would take back any ill will I wished upon that person, obviously*. Ghosting is sort of a funny term to me, because ghosts haunt you, popping up when you least expect them. The people who “ghost”, however? Oh no. They disappear for good. And it happens a hell of a lot more frequently than I first realised.

Case in point? I realised how prevalent ghosting had become when I told my friend about a guy who dumped me over a drink last year, and her first words were, “Aw, he actually broke up with you in person? That’s so sweet!” True story.

Brenna in Prague 2

Prague, Czechia

***

The second time I was ghosted, I didn’t understand why the guy ended up being such an asshole.

I met Mark in a crowded bar over thumping dance music and too many pints. He tried to kiss me on the dance floor, I got weirded out, and he convinced me to give him my number so he could take me out and make it up to me. To my surprise, he actually texted the next day.

It turns out Mark and I were a great match, creepy drunken behaviour excepted. We met up once or twice a week for a couple of months, and it was a really fun start to a relationship. I thought things were going really well; he even called me out of the blue once when he was feeling stressed, asking to meet up “because I always made things better.” It felt like we were on track to something great.

We were supposed to meet up on a Sunday night at 8pm in my local pub. I had even run into him the day before – we live in the same neighbourhood – and he had introduced me to his friends and said he was excited to see me. I texted him on Sunday afternoon to confirm I’d be at the pub at 8, but he didn’t respond.

“Weird,” I thought, but I obviously went to the pub anyway.

And… you know what’s coming. He didn’t show up. I texted again (I know, I KNOW… the double-text) and said, “You coming? Everything ok?”

I never heard from him again. But hey, at least I got another story out of it, because he was the inspiration behind this post (FYI, you really should think twice before ghosting a blogger, especially one who writes a series called The Last Time I Saw You, heh).

I wish that I could say that I played it cool and just let it go, but he really pissed me off. Two months of dating? Meeting each other’s friends? C’mon dude. That’s just mean. A few days later I wrote him a text saying I had expected more of him, and that I wished he hadn’t been such a coward. I mean, at least have the guts to send a quick text saying it’s over… right?

***

And that’s what gets me the most about ghosting. When someone ghosts you, you’re left in a state of limbo – the rational side of you knows that the person is no longer interested, but you still hold out a bit of hope. There are those horrible few days when you check your phone a lot more than usual, thinking they might just have been really busy (although as my friend crudely but accurately says, “If you can shit, you can text”) or something happened to their phone (though with text, WhatsApp, Facebook, and email, just to name a few, that’s hardly an excuse anymore… not to mention you can easily see if someone has been active on social media). Ghosting is such a cowardly act, and not only that, it’s rude. If you spend quality time with someone, or make plans with someone, why not have the decency to text a few lines to say if it’s not working out?

Nearly every unattached friend I have – male or female – has told me that they’ve been ghosted at least once. And while it doesn’t get any easier to take, I have realised over the years that it can actually be a really good thing. To reiterate, the people who ghost are either cowardly or assholes (or at least exhibiting asshole behaviour), or sometimes a combination of the two. When someone ghosts you, they’re showing you exactly who they are. They’re showing you that they are capable of acting quite selfish and inconsiderate… and why would you want to be with a person like that? As one of my favourite people on the internet, Mark Manson, writes, if you’re in the grey zone, you’ve already lost. And if someone ghosts you, or frequently ignores your messages, you are definitely in the grey zone… in fact, there’s no doubt about it, you’re out of the game all together.

Horses in Bhutan

I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan

There really is no explanation why people ghost, although I think most people either a) don’t care very much b) have changed their mind and don’t want to/don’t know how to end it or c) find it the easy way out of something they’re not ready to define (although a friend of mine was ghosted after dating someone for a year. A YEAR). It comes from a place of fear, as in, they’re scared of having to share their feelings and *gasp* put themselves out there for a potentially awkward text conversation that really only has to take up five minutes of their life. They may not be an inherently bad person, but ghosting is definitely bad behaviour.

Is there ever an OK time to ghost someone? Perhaps – maybe if you only had a couple of dates and you didn’t make specific plans for another rendezvous – but for the most part, it is so much easier and so much more respectful to just send a polite goodbye text (unless you are being harassed or made to feel uncomfortable, in which case, ghost that motherfucker no matter how long you have been dating).

For example, I recently went out with a very sweet, very kind man. We went on two dates; the first one was fun, but by the time we met for the second date, something with the chemistry just seemed off (i.e. I didn’t want to kiss him, and the conversation felt stilted). We discussed a potential third date – bowling – but a few days later I knew I had to call it off.

“I’m sorry, Jonathan,” I wrote. “I don’t think I can meet you on Thursday. I really liked hanging out with you but I don’t see a future for us. I hope you understand.”

Listen – that is not a fun text to write nor a fun text to receive. But at least it’s honest, and he knew exactly where he stood. He wrote back almost immediately saying he did understand, and it was nice to meet me, and he wished me all the best. There! Done!! Neither of us had to harbour any ill will or frantically check our phone a hundred times a day.

***

The third time I was ghosted, the most recent time, I didn’t understand why I didn’t see it coming.

I don’t want to say too much about this situation, because it goes deeper than what I’m sharing here and it is quite recent, but let’s just say this one had an international twist. If you read my blog regularly and/or follow me on social media, you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out which country I’m talking about.

I knew this person for three months; we talked nearly every day after first meeting (texting or Skyping), and, oh yeah, he flew me back to his country to see him. After that visit – which was incredibly fun – we discussed seeing each other again a couple of months later, and we continued to talk a lot. And then, a couple of weeks later… oh yes. He vanished. One day there, the next… just gone.

I never thought that this person was going to be a serious boyfriend, but I did care about him. I knew it had an expiration date, but I thought we’d end up as friends, or that it would at least end on a nice note. Of course, I was totally gracious about the situation, and backed quietly into the shadows so that he could continue to live out his life. Ha ha! Nope, of course I didn’t. After weeks of silence (except when he asked me for tips about Instagram… which I gave him) I wrote him a message saying that I was sad that we were no longer in each other’s lives but I wished him the best, to which – as if this shocks anyone – he never replied.

And that’s another thing about ghosting… do you write to the ghost? And if so, what do you say? Do you ask why they decided to stop seeing you? Do you reveal your anger or your sadness, either way exposing that you did indeed care for him or her?

If you think it will make you feel better, or if you like having closure, I say go for it, because at this point you have nothing to lose… but know that in all likelihood the person won’t reply. I mean, if they don’t have the balls to tell you they want to end things, they probably won’t have the balls to say they’re sorry. Take it from me, though: write your message, then delete half of it, then wait a day, then show it to your most hard-nosed friend, then wait another day, and then if you still want to send it, go ahead. Be the bigger person and write something short but cool-headed, something you won’t cringe over the following week. Try to keep it classy, collected, and brief.

Just don’t drive yourself crazy checking for those blue ticks.

Brenna in London

And then just laugh about it… after a few Aperol Spritzes, maybe

***

So, in conclusion, ghosting sucks, and I still don’t understand why some people do it when it’s just so much easier and kinder to be honest. But for all the times it has happened to me, and for all the times it has happened to my friends, know this: it is most likely not your fault. Most likely, the person you’re dating wasn’t ready for something with you, be it serious or not; he may have realised he didn’t like you very much after all or, as much as it hurts, he may have started dating someone else. And yeah, that’s an awful feeling – that someone doesn’t even care about you enough to text you (or, shock of all horror, actually call you) in order to spare your feelings, let alone want to date you. But as I’ve written about on this blog before, if someone doesn’t want to be with you… why do you want to be with them? 

I still get bummed out when I’m ghosted – it’s easy to let it initially knock your self-esteem down a few notches – but as mentioned above, I’m also thankful for it, because it shows me what kind of person I was dealing with. If he can’t even muster up the courage to write me two lines of text, what other emotional baggage am I going to have to deal with later on? Ghosting is a huge indicator of both immaturity and instability. And honestly, at this point in my life, anyone who has this lack of emotional depth and a lack of basic courtesy is just holding up the line. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: there are plenty more fish in the sea. It would be awesome to find a fun, adventurous partner, but I’m not going to sit around waiting for a phone call or text when there’s so much more of life to explore. One of the absolute best books I’ve read about dating in the modern age is Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari… I definitely recommend it. I nodded along the entire time.

So ladies (and the four gentlemen who read this blog), take heart: ghosting is real, yes, and it is shitty, but it doesn’t mean you should lose any self-respect, nor does it mean you should lose faith in dating. When someone ghosts, they’re making it very easy for you to see that they’re definitely not the person for you, and that you’re much better off without them. As soon as you realise this, you have room in your life for so many other fun things: new partners, sure, but also a new freedom to do whatever the hell you want to do… without having to worry that you’ll miss that text if you’re in the shower.

So hold your head high, realise being ghosted had nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else’s inability to communicate, and repeat after me: I ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m sorry. I had to.

Have you ever been ghosted? Or… have you ghosted someone before? Why did you do it?

*By the way, I totally e-stalked these guys to see if they really did die. Chris is still writing for a super fancy newspaper (not dead), Mark updated his cover photo on Facebook to show his latest antics at Burning Man (also not dead), and the international man of mystery regularly posts photos on Instagram using the tips I gave him (definitely not dead).

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153 Responses to On Ghosting (and what to do if it happens to you)

  1. LC August 8, 2016 at 11:11 pm #

    It’s a shame that these supernatural encounters have become inevitable when dating. I agree – better to find out the calibre of a (wo)man earlier rather than later on down the track when you’re fully invested in the relationship. Ugh.
    Anyway, I’m glad you did end up writing this post and hope it was cathartic in helping to deal with all the hurt feels caused by the international man of mystery.
    Oh and on the cheese at the end… totally appropriate, if not necessary!

    • Brenna Holeman August 8, 2016 at 11:32 pm #

      Thanks, LC! I had actually been meaning to write this post for a while as so many of my single friends have experienced the same thing… the international man just happened to have perfect timing (hah).

    • Mike April 2, 2017 at 9:57 pm #

      Thanks for this article. I’m aware of the ghosting phenomenon but wrongly assumed it was primarily something done by the younger generations. Oh no.
      I’m 56 years old. She is 48. First date was about as perfect as you could imagine. Wonderful dinner. Passionate kisses listening to and singing along with Barry Manilow in her Mercedes (yes, I hope she reads this). Felt like I was 17 again. A few days of exchanged texts and calls, then within a week of the date… nothing. I literally googled to see if she’d passed. I’m pretty good at reading people and I totally missed it. After a few days I had to send the “sorry if I did something, best wishes for life” text. Nothing. It’s maddening, but the “closure” text helped a little and knowing others have similar experiences helps. But it hurt. A lot.

      • Bella June 11, 2017 at 11:12 pm #

        I thought just guys did this. It’s just happened to me with a guy I’d chatted on line to every day for a year. The last message was him asking me what I had planned for the weekend. He didn’t read my reply. I sent an are you ok message the next day. He didn’t read it. So I sent one more for closure a week later, more for myself really and not for him, saying ghosting someone is a really mean thing to do and I was offended he thought I wasn’t worth the effort of him just typing the word goodbye. He’s not read that either. I won’t ever message him again. We are both late 40’s and I also thought this kind of behaviour was a younger folk thing. Well, fool me once as they say. Good luck Mike. Maybe we both dodged a bullet as they say

    • Meghan Smith August 23, 2017 at 10:28 pm #

      This article was so good, you are hilarious!! I especially liked the part where you put a photo of horses up. I was just recently ghosted & am feeling awful. Before sending my ghoster a long text I did a google search & read your article. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to write this. Very insightful! I ain’t afraid of no ghost and won’t be sending my long text.

  2. Genna August 9, 2016 at 5:12 am #

    Sigh! Recently got ghosted on and your essay is so apt. The first date seemed perfect! He kissed me! It was passionate and perfect! Then…the texting petered out and I fell into the mad phone-checking cycle. Then I fought for myself a bit, having nothing to really lose, and we are gonna meet up this weekend, but my opinion of him is changed and I’m thinking about what to ask him more from an anthropological perspective. What is that Maya Angelou quote – “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 9:54 am #

      Hmmm, I understand how you’re feeling, Genna, I’d feel the same way. And I TOTALLY use that quote all the time… I even used it when the international man did something really horrible to me a few months ago, but I didn’t listen to the advice and gave him a second chance. As you can see, that didn’t really work out…

      Thanks for your comment!

  3. Brett August 9, 2016 at 5:45 am #

    I have never heard of this, and definitely didn’t know there was a name for it and everything. I am sorry to hear about these stories, but like you say…it shows they shouldn’t be there anyway and you feel free and open for so many new things!! p.s. Yay for being one of the 4 guys who read your blog haha

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 10:03 am #

      Thanks a lot, Brett! And thanks for reading, ha ha 🙂

  4. Ellie Quinn August 9, 2016 at 8:26 am #

    Wahh that’s so crappy about the international man!! At least you got some good trips and a story out of it!

    As always a brilliant post! 🙂 x

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 10:03 am #

      I know, crappy right? I didn’t think he’d be that kind of guy… oh well. Live and learn! Thanks for the comment, Ellie!

  5. Paige August 9, 2016 at 10:47 am #

    Why is this the way of things these days? I’ve never been truly ghosted, I suppose (though I’ve had weeks of no contact with one particular reoccurring idiot who I swore off for good a few weeks ago) but I feel like it’s become so commonplace which also makes no sense because we’re all more connected than ever these days. I agree with everything you wrote, especially that it’s the coward’s way out. I fundamentally don’t understand how a person can even do it–I would feel so shitty just ignoring someone else. I have sent the “I’m sorry, you’re very nice, but I don’t see a future..” text and yes it’s hard, but in the long run its so, so much better.

    I enjoyed the picture of the horses in Bhutan. : ) (also reading this en route home from my amazing solo international holiday! Yay! And some tears that this one is over!)

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 12:06 pm #

      Yes, sending that text is hard, but it makes it so much easier in the long run – you don’t leave the other person hanging, and you’re not left with any weird guilt. I’m sorry that you had to deal with someone similar recently… but it’s so awesome that your solo trip went so well!

  6. Emma August 9, 2016 at 11:07 am #

    Ahh the supernatural dating phenomenon! I don’t think there is anyone I know who hasn’t been ghosted, it’s definitely the biggest bug bear in dating at the moment.
    Here’s a few classics – I was due to meet up with a guy and he messaged me while I was already not only dressed by on my way to the date venue twenty minutes before the date with these words… ‘I can’t I’m really nervous I’m sorry’ then never to be heard from again!! You have no idea how mad I was.
    Another more recent one we had arranged a date and a few days before the date I get a whatsapp message ‘It doesn’t feel right, I can’t do this’ I would hasten to add that he chased me not the other way around. He then promptly blocked me on all forms of contact I had for him so I couldn’t even respond to that message. What even is that? My response was going to be a perfectly polite ok no worries people change their minds, good luck with everything.
    I am disappointed in international man of mystery, but onto bigger and better no ghostly things 🙂
    x

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 12:09 pm #

      Oh god… to cancel that late in the day?! I guess that’s better than being stood up, but still. And I don’t understand the blocking thing, because at least give the person a chance to respond (unless, again, they’re harassing you).

      Thanks for your comment, Emma!

  7. Emma August 9, 2016 at 11:33 am #

    I’ve never heard of this! Dating now sounds insane. I’m quite glad to be a boring married 40 year old! I wish you luck in finding someone wonderful! ☺

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 11:59 am #

      Ha ha – modern dating is quite the minefield. 😀

    • Steven February 23, 2017 at 12:53 am #

      Be very glad! I am 37, my wife walked out on me two and a half years ago. I haven’t felt anything for a woman since then. Nov 25, 2016 I met a woman and had the best date I have ever had in my life with her. Dinner became a sleepover and the next two days were like dating in high school again. Then, guess what? She’s the reason I happened to be reading this article. I would never do that to someone. EVER.

      • Wanderer April 2, 2017 at 3:05 am #

        Lol, same thing just happened to me! Week of feeling like I’m in high school…very steamy texts later too…then poof!

        My ghost finally texted back after being MIA for a week to apologize for no communication…I played it cool, “no sweat and thanks for pinging me”…and then silence again.

        Most dont get that much it seems so I feel a little lucky…shouldnt have to deal with this in our 40’s. Lol

  8. Katie from What's Katie Doing? Blog August 9, 2016 at 12:15 pm #

    Definitely not dead hehehe. Ghosting is not good, whilst I’ve been dumped by someone at the very last minute (think hours before we were due to spend the weekend together) at least he LET ME KNOW! I think it’s the very least people can do for each other.
    Shame about your international man of mystery too 🙁

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 1:27 pm #

      Yes, there’s that at least!! Thanks for your comment, Katie. 🙂

  9. Mags August 9, 2016 at 12:28 pm #

    Oh my gawd Brenna… read this on my lunch break and did an audible snort laugh when I got the the caption “I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan”

    Add another “yes” to the “Have you been ghosted?” poll… Great attitude you have about it… and yes, it’s hard to right that text but remembering how the other side of things feels means you just gotta do it.

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 1:28 pm #

      Ha ha – I really did not know which photos to use.

      We need to go out for drinks very soon! 🙂

  10. KM August 9, 2016 at 1:22 pm #

    This might be my favourite blog post of all time!

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 1:26 pm #

      Well then, those ghosts were worth it. 😉

  11. Katie August 9, 2016 at 2:08 pm #

    I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS. Yes, even though I’ve been married for 10 years.

    As a writer (and I’m sure you can relate), I’ve made a habit of studying people and the way they communicate. I was ghosted once before I met my husband. Was he the first one to ever do it? Sadly, probably not. But I think you’re right in that it’s become far more common in recent years, and there IS an explanation: Texting. Social media. The “de-evolution” of the ability to communicate. Someone once said to me, “You know, it almost seems backwards — like if texting had been invented before voice calls, the ability to hear one’s voice over distances would have been revolutionary!”

    And she’s right. Effective communication consists of words, tone, and facial expression. With texting, we miss out on 2 of the 3. Worse, it’s made people lazy about practicing the art of being understood — and of flirting, of arguing, of listening. Worse still, it’s made it ridiculously easy to cut ties, to avoid the “hard” conversation, to completely dodge the bad self-feelings that come along with breaking up with someone. And that’s probably the heart of why people ghost: they want to avoid feeling bad about *themselves.*

    I don’t think text is an acceptable way to do it, either. While I’ll give you that it would be better than nothing, a relationship that consisted of more than a couple of dates deserves a voice breakup. I’m a huge SATC fan (the shows — not the ridiculous movies) because it over-simplifies character flaws and exaggerates them, effectively holding up a mirror to reflect our own neuroses and insecurities. Yep, there’s an episode where Miranda’s date literally ghosts (ha), but there’s also an episode where Burger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note. A post-it! Remember that one? It’s the 90’s equivalent of a modern-day text break-up and, once you’ve begun to establish a real relationship with someone at least, equally abhorrent.

    Obviously I would never survive in today’s world of dating and for that, I solute you. Fuck, no one even had cameras in their phones when I got married, which just makes me feel stupid-old or like I got married stupid-young but I also feel lucky to have dodged this whole era where you might be considered “clingy” for actually wanting to have a real conversation. I’d just be that crazy woman who would want to talk — to hear a man’s voice — to learn how he communicates and to evolve our methods together because in the end, that’s the only way a relationship can really work. Is that really too much for you to ask?

    I think you should ask yourself that the next time you meet someone. Challenge him, see if he will communicate. And if he can’t, move on. Because there’s nothing sexier than a man who knows how. The problem with the degeneration of communication is that we’re ALL in the grey zone now. We’re all losing. We’re all standing on our little platforms, shouting into a void, and not listening for anything in return.

    Okay. I’m sorry to practically write an entire blog post in your comments. I’ve had a lot of espresso this morning, and obviously you’ve hit a nerve. Carry on!

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 12:20 pm #

      Oh Katie, I love you – your comments are always so thoughtful. I wanted to wait to respond to this one because it deserved a couple of read-throughs!

      I think the thing that stood out for me the most in your comment was when you talked about appearing to be clingy just for wanting to have a conversation. Totally, totally agree with you there. After a couple of months of dating, I’m ready to have that conversation – i.e., do we take this to something more serious, or is this all it is? Communication is so important in relationships, even casual/short-term ones, and I’m definitely trying to be better at it. And you’re right, it’s so attractive when someone is emotionally intelligent enough and confident enough to communicate.

      I also agree with the texting thing – in the past I’ve actually asked a couple of guys I’ve met through online dating if we can talk on the phone first, and so far it’s gone exceptionally well (you learn so much more about someone that way, and then it makes you even more excited for the date). Recently I’ve even told people that I don’t want to text at all – let’s do it old school, as in, make a plan for a date and just see each other then. SO MUCH BETTER in my mind… none of that weird texting drama that can occur (it’s really hard to convey sarcasm in texting, hah), and you get to anticipate seeing each other that much more.

      And yes, I remember the post-it note. I freaking loved Burger (I collect forgotten playing cards, too) and it pissed me off so much that he ended it this way. I just think of Carrie slamming the post-it note against the window of the cop car and even the cop was like, damn, that’s cold. Hah.

      At the end of the day, it’s really quite simple: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Respect each other. Be honest. Be mature. Be kind.

      Thanks again for your awesome comment, you’re the best!

      • Katie August 10, 2016 at 2:00 pm #

        Ha, I was so worried you would think I was a freak for writing that, but damn I was on a roll. (And P.S., I SALUTE you. Not solute you. I don’t want to dissolve you.)

        Anyway I really am sorry about the latest. It’s so dumbfounding. I think you’re on to something with your “old school” dating suggestion. I met Justin while he was on his two-week mid-tour home from Korea (he’s in the Air Force), and he called me nearly every day when he returned to the country. I remember looking forward to hearing his voice, even if it meant waking up at ungodly hours. And if he could call me from there, it shouldn’t be too difficult for a guy to call you from across town, just so you can get to know him. The REAL, (nervous, sexy-laugh) him — not some scripted text version you have to meld with your imagination in order to create what feels like a real person.

        But really, your last point says it all. Be honest, be mature, be kind. I don’t worry about you, because I know you won’t settle until you have that.

  12. Arianwen August 9, 2016 at 2:23 pm #

    I’m sorry you’ve had these experiences Brenna, but in a way it’s comforting to hear that it happens to everyone. I agree with you. I think it’s really selfish and rude. Even if the underlying reason is that they don’t want to hurt you with a dismissive text, surely anyone would rather know than have to figure it out for themselves over the coming days/weeks. I’m definitely not great at communication myself, but I could never leave someone hanging like that.

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:15 pm #

      Yeah, as mentioned, it really has happened to every single friend I have (which is both heartening and completely and utterly disheartening). At least, due to these experiences, I know what it feels like on this end and would never do it to somebody else! Thanks for your comment, Arianwen.

  13. Alisa August 9, 2016 at 2:58 pm #

    Reading your post reminded me of the worst case of ghosting I’ve experienced. I’d been friends with the guy for about two years, and fwbs for about one. A couple of times one of my good friends had come to hangout with him and his friends. So when he asked her to meet up to talk, she went over thinking it was fine. Nope. He attempted to try to hook up with her so she shut him down and left. Then promptly told me. We weren’t dating, but still not an okay thing to do. So I message him asking about it. No answer. The jerk even went to my friend’s work to apologize, but never replied to me, the person he was actually friends with. After two years of friendship, that one hurt.
    Though a couple years afterwards he messaged me out of the blue to apologize for his behavior. I just replied with “Why now? It’s been years.” Never got anymore response out of him.
    So I guess eventually he sort of unghosted me to say sorry, but years later it rather felt like that ship had sailed and he should have just left me alone.

    I guess with this rambling I just wanted to tell a story of my own ghost to sympathize. It is never fun to be on the receiving end of. But like you said, those guys obviously weren’t worth it. One day you’ll find a guy who actually is worth your time. 🙂

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:21 pm #

      Oh god!! He sounds like a piece of work. That is really bizarre behaviour, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. You’re right, it’s never fun to be on the receiving end, but at least it’s a fast track to finding someone a lot more worthy of your time. 🙂

      Thanks for your comment, Alisa!

  14. Cindy August 9, 2016 at 3:18 pm #

    Thanks for writing this. It’s so easy to blame ourselves when situations like this happen but thanks for pointing out that the problem is them. If they don’t have the decency to write a simple five minute message then to hell with them and move on!

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:13 pm #

      I totally agree, Cindy! Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  15. Sophie August 9, 2016 at 3:26 pm #

    Brenna i feel your pain. The struggle is real.

    One time i met this guy on a night out in Manchester. I was quite drunk and not that bothered. At the end of the night when i had drifted away to some other bar this guy gave his number to my male friend and asked him to pass it on. I thought that was cute so i got in touch with him. We went on a date. We had loads in common, talked all night, he kissed me and it was wonderful etc etc. It felt like something truly special. We seemed to be a perfect match.

    Cue date 2, had a great time again. We realised we wouldn’t see each other for a little while – i would be in Cornwall and he would be working in Birmingham for a few weeks. No big deal we said! We’ll stay in touch and catch up in a month! Ofcourse! Lots of lovely kissing followed. Then….silence. Apart from a few texts which seemed very ‘friend zone’ ish i stopped getting any responses from him. Pretty mean behaviour and totally perplexing. Like you, i couldn’t contain my frustration and in my one last message to him i just told him i thought he was rude and inconsiderate. Safe to say he didn’t reply.

    The weird thing is he just seemed like the nicest guy ever. He seemed very kindhearted. Guess that doesn’t make a difference these days haha!
    What is wrong with people?!

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:19 pm #

      Oh no, that’s really too bad. I think a lot of people get easily freaked out by even a hint of commitment, unfortunately, even if that commitment was something casual. You’re right – it’s really perplexing and VERY frustrating. I’m sorry that this happened to you!

      • Sophie August 11, 2016 at 4:05 am #

        Yes you’re right and maybe that was the real reason, sadly I’ll never know haha!

        Ah don’t be sorry. I’ve moved to a different country and I’m having the time of my life! Same as you, it’s annoying that it happened but I’m also kinda glad it did?

        🙂

  16. Laura August 9, 2016 at 3:58 pm #

    Ohmygoodness, this has happened to me way more often that I’d like, but one time really confused me – I was traveling, met a guy who I got along with SO well, was hoping (and was thinking) something ~romantic~ would happen, it didn’t, but ok wtv, we live so far that maybe he didn’t want to get into the whole having to say bye/long distance part, we still became good friends so I figured we would at least stay friends. (Though I admit that even that part was hard, because I had practically gone into the love territory with him.) I tried to stay in touch, it slowly stopped, but then he didn’t even say thank you or acknowledge the fact that I had sent him a message to wish him happy birthday… I mean, really!
    *sigh*
    But then I have to think – could this be becoming the nature of travel friendships/relationships? People you care about just coming and going out of our lives, even if *we’re* willing to put in the effort to stay in touch?
    *sigh*

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:15 pm #

      Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that! I agree that travelling certainly adds another element to it. Thank you for sharing your story here, Laura, and again, I’m sorry to hear things didn’t work out!

  17. Giselle August 9, 2016 at 4:03 pm #

    Perfect timing – I think I’m being ghosted right now and this was just the reminder I needed that it’s not worth my time even trying to get a response from him. If he’s that flaky now it’s unlikely he’ll improve.

    Thanks for the motivation to discard all thoughts of him!

    • Brenna Holeman August 9, 2016 at 4:05 pm #

      Yeah, I’ve had friends say to me, “Oh, maybe he’ll write tomorrow…” but I find that you always know when you’re being ghosted. Trust me – it’s not worth pining over! I’m glad that the post could help a little bit.

  18. Pauline August 9, 2016 at 6:20 pm #

    When I started reading this, I didn’t think I would connect to the post in any way. I have never been ghosted after all, or so I thought. Then I read your 3rd account and that’s when I realized I too have been ghosted, by (who I thought was) a friend. I was pissed off, no doubt, and sent him a note apologizing for what I had done wrong (why I did this, I don’t know, I had self confidence issues…) and – surprise, surprise – I never heard back from him. Our relationship was not romantic nor would it have been, but I really thought we’d remain close friends even after he gets married. I guess not. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I run into him – what would you do, Brenna?

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 11:25 am #

      I’m really sorry to hear that, Pauline, that’s a really difficult situation. If it’s really bothering you, which it appears to be, I would send one last message just saying that you hope he’s doing really well and that you value his friendship. If he doesn’t respond to that one, unfortunately I think you’ll have to throw in the towel… what else can you do? If you do run into him, I’d act kindly and respectfully, but I’d keep it short. I wish you all the best!

  19. Addie August 9, 2016 at 9:00 pm #

    This is really embarrassing to admit, but… I when I first started dating online used to ghost people. I was really insecure and unsure what to do in situations where the feelings weren’t mutual, so I would stare at messages from people asking me on dates, and just have no idea how to respond. I felt awful, because I knew that I couldn’t say “yes,” and I didn’t want to cause anyone pain or disappointment by saying “no.” After a few minutes of coming up blank, I’d put down my phone. I’d remember hours later that I hadn’t responded, but the more time passed, the harder it would be to face the situation, and I’d just put it off until it seemed unnecessary. Usually there would be one follow-up text, but nothing after that–I took that as a sign of tacit understanding. (For the record, these were usually messages about second dates, sometimes third, but no one I’d dated for a long time.)

    Luckily, I eventually grew up and started handling these situations like an adult. I realized that even though it sucks to be the one to turn someone down, it’s better to have that conversation and give them a sense of closure than to leave them wondering. Even better, breaking things off officially gives you a chance to end on a kinder note and wish each other well–rather than to leave a bad taste in someone’s mouth and have them think (and rightly so) that you’re being a selfish jerk.

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 11:22 am #

      I think it’s awesome that you’re being so honest – your second paragraph is bang-on, if you ask me. I really liked all three people I wrote about in the post, and I imagine I would have even been friends with them… but their actions made it so that I will forever think badly of them.

      Thanks for your comment, Addie, I really appreciate it!

  20. Nikita August 9, 2016 at 9:16 pm #

    I’ve been ghosted so many times, I used to tell guys that the only thing I expected of them was for them to let me know when the relationship was over (of course, they never did). I think even worse than that is the semi-ghost, where someone disappears or stops answering your texts until they want to see you, and then act surprised that you were upset by their silence and say something stupid like “I don’t know what you expect of me, it’s not like we were in a real relationship… Are you really going to get upset over a couple of unanswered texts?” Yes, I am going to get upset, because even if we’re not in a real relationship, I’m still a real person with real feelings who deserves real respect, and disappearing from someone’s life without warning is never cool (though the two-sided fade-away is acceptable).
    And this makes me feel like I’ve been single far too long haha. Always a battlefield! 😉

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 11:00 am #

      Oh man, the semi-ghost is also terrible. I am trying to be a lot more honest with people I date now, and like you, telling them what I expect a bit earlier in the relationship. It may scare some of them off, but hey – then at least I know where they stand. I recently told someone I only wanted something casual, and so right away we were able to discern that we weren’t a good match… saved us both a lot of trouble!

      And agreed about the respect – it’s the least we can do for each other.

  21. Sara August 9, 2016 at 10:59 pm #

    Wow I’d never heard the term ghosting but it sounds brutal! I think you’ve described them well, it’s basic they are cowards. I remember that SATC episode! You tend to think the worst but these guys are all missing out! Keep going girl 🙂

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 12:28 am #

      I agree – very cowardly! As much as sending those break-up texts or calling the person sucks, it’s part of being an adult and a decent human being. Thanks for the comment, Sara!

  22. Zalie August 10, 2016 at 12:23 am #

    SERIOUSLY…WTF is wrong with people?! Show some respect! How is it possible that with the endless forms of communication that we have available at our fingertips, people do not have the decency to write a simple line to another person? All I have to say to those peeps who are guilty of ghosting is that KARMA IS A BITCH!!!!

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 12:25 am #

      Ha ha ha Zalie, I love you so much.

  23. Vanessa August 10, 2016 at 1:59 am #

    Ok after reading this and a lot of the comments, I’m so sick of people making ghosting into a big pity party roundtable.

    I’m not saying it’s right but what I think bothers me, is this need to pick it apart, turn it upside down and make it into something that it isn’t. This is not something you go out of your way to do, sitting in a dark cave, plotting how you’re going to emotionally tear down this person. No. Ghosting is strictly out of disinterest – a lack of connection.

    And hating on the people who do it is as misguided as ghosting itself. If ghosting is the easy way out, hating on the people who do it is just as easy.

    The reality of it is that there’s a lack of connection on the other side, a lack of interest, something didn’t click. It may be you, it may be them, it may be another relationship, timing, whatever. And tell you what, as a ghoster, most of the time you’re thinking “is this other person even going to care that much?” And that’s pretty much the whole point. You did not connect like they did. The “it’s over” text is much welcomed and greatly appreciated but sometimes – especially in these ambiguous relationships that are just starting out- when you’re the sender, it’s feels a little out of depth.

    And it’s a symptom of where dating is now, a couple of dates doesn’t mean you’re dating anymore. It’s this in between place where no one really knows if a break up text even applies.

    If you think you deserve an explanation then you absolutely do – but then if so, just ask for one.

    Own this and find your resolution. You’ll find that 99% of these people, you’ve spent considerable time with, saw something in, and were genuinely interested in, are good people. You probably wouldn’t have been into them if you they weren’t. If this is something that’s keeping you up at night, ask the question. Approach them saying, “Hey, I’m getting that you’re not really into this, I can take a hint but I just want to know what made you lose interest?” Yes it’s the ultimate vulnerable position – what if you get double ghosted – but for the most part, people get it – we’ve all been hurt, we’ve all obsessed over text messages, I’m sure than when given the opportunity, most people will take the chance to explain themselves.

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 10:48 am #

      Hi Vanessa, believe it or not I do agree with some of what you’ve said here, but I suggest you go back and reread the article a little bit more closely, especially the last paragraphs (which are clearly advising people to “own” it).

      Where I agree with you is that there is a lack of connection on one side, that “ghosts” are not always bad people, and that they usually don’t go out of their way to make someone feel awful. However, I prefer to be honest, respectful, and kind to the people in my life, even if there’s a lack of connection (connection or not, we’re still talking about another human being). Sure, a couple of dates doesn’t equal dating, I agree with you there, too, but ghosting someone after a couple of months or standing someone up when you have a clear plan (the examples I laid out in the post) are pretty terrible things to do to someone. Judging by the comments here, as well as the dozens of private messages I’ve received in the past 48 hours, I’d say most people agree.

      I have to disagree with your “pity party” comments – it’s natural for people to feel hurt when this happens and want to discuss it, and to dismiss someone’s feelings like that is a bit cold. I also disagree with your comment that “If ghosting is the easy way out, hating on the people who do it is just as easy.” Ghosting is an action that directly affects another person, while “hating on” is a personal feeling; I don’t think they’re on the same level. You say that, as a ghoster yourself, you think, “is this other person even going to care that much?” It’s pretty dangerous territory to assume you know how someone will feel, and I believe in saying goodbye just in case. I also believe in my self-worth, meaning I believe that the person I’ve spent time with will indeed care… if not that he wants a relationship, but that he’d like things to end in a mature, respectful way.

      Ultimately, this comes down to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As I said, I prefer to treat people with kindness and respect, and I stand by my opinion that people who ghost are cowardly. I had three different people write to me yesterday saying that they felt bad about ghosting someone, sent the text to say goodbye, and immediately had a pleasant response. It’s not so hard. I suggest you try it out.

  24. Katie August 10, 2016 at 2:44 am #

    Argh ghosting is the worst. My ex actually did it to me after we had been casually dating for about two weeks. It was all going well then he just dropped off the face of the earth. He was a bartender at my local bar so over the next four months I saw him a couple of times and he was always really nice when I saw him, gave me a hug, seemed glad to see me but never messaged me. Then I saw him out one night when he wasn’t working and we ended up hooking up. I asked him why he had ghosted on me and he told me he had been depressed and working crazy long hours at the bar, a job he hated, and just didn’t have the time or energy for a relationship, despite liking me a lot. He thought it was easier to just stop texting me, He had just got a new job in an office and was much happier and we ended up being together for nine years and were engaged, only breaking up six months ago because we wanted different things in life.

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 11:02 am #

      That’s really interesting! I do believe that some of the guys I’ve dealt with have ghosted because they were just overwhelmed with something else in their life, but I still think that taking a couple of minutes to explain that to someone is the respectful thing to do. I hope that you guys are still friends. 🙂

  25. Emily August 10, 2016 at 2:30 pm #

    This is a thing!?! Thank god I haven’t been single in a decade, because this would send me into a blind rage. I cannot imagine something more rude or disrespectful than disappearing without a word when you have PLANS! For god’s sake, how hard is it to text “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a great match. I don’t think we should go out again.” to somebody?? I thought your example was very classy.

    • Brenna Holeman August 10, 2016 at 3:27 pm #

      Thank you for your comment, Emily – I’m glad that you can empathise! It really is a pretty terrible thing to do to someone, in my opinion.

  26. Kassandra August 10, 2016 at 4:52 pm #

    Thank you for writing this! I was ghosted late last year by a guy that (I thought) I really hit it off with. We spent 6 months together, and then he just stopped texting me back. It completely gutted me. I’ve been meaning to write something on ghosting, and I’ve been struggling with it because it was such a weird time for me, so I was so happy when I saw this post!
    As hard as it was to swallow the ghost pill; I’m actually happy that he did what he did. He showed me his true colours by ghosting me, and I think because of that, I dodged a bullet.

    A cute, tanned Australian bullet; but a bullet nonetheless!

    I’m sorry you’ve been ghosted as well – sending you positive, healing vibes!

    • Brenna Holeman August 11, 2016 at 10:44 am #

      Oh god – I cannot believe how many people this has happened to. Six months?! What a jerk. But yes, he really did show his true colours, and as much as it can be hard to swallow, you really don’t want to be with a guy like that.

      Sending you positive vibes as well! 🙂

  27. Nicole August 10, 2016 at 8:20 pm #

    Thank you so much for posting this! I have only been ghosted once, but I have friends that experience this more often. When it happened to me, it was with someone that I had only been on a few dates with, but it brought up feelings similar to what I felt when my most serious relationship ended. It wasn’t because I cared about this person to the same extent I loved my ex, it was more because I just felt so confused and worthless, like I wasn’t even good enough for a simple text message. I also hated the obsessive person I became over the next few days- always checking my phone and basically stalking his social media. That’s not the kind of person I am, and I felt like I was perpetuating the “crazy girl” stereotype. I like your mentality of looking at it almost as a favor, and your rationale that a guy who ghosts is not a guy you would want to be with is pretty solid logic. If this ever happens to me again (let’s hope not) I’ll try to remember this!

    • Brenna Holeman August 11, 2016 at 10:47 am #

      YES – I hate that ghosting does this to us. Even if I don’t know the guy very well or have much of a connection yet, like in the first example, it still makes you feel so worthless. I totally know what you mean.

      I’m sorry that it happened to you but I hope that you do remember that it really is a blessing in disguise! Hopefully it never happens again 😀

  28. Jess August 14, 2016 at 11:43 pm #

    Amazing!!!!! First time I’ve read about ghosting is such a hilarious and honest way. Love your blog (have done for 2 years) and love this post. It summarises everything about 21st century dating without being cliche or man-hating.

    A million thumbs up for your writing girl xxx

    • Brenna Holeman August 15, 2016 at 4:46 pm #

      Thank you so much, Jess! I’m really glad that you like the post. 😀

  29. Sarah August 17, 2016 at 11:39 pm #

    Oh lordy yes, this sucks so hard. If the banter just dies out…well, that’s one thing. But to be left hanging by yourself? At the pub? After two months of dating? Nigh unforgivable.

    If you ever get “benched”—and I sincerely hope you never do!—I’d love to hear your take that too: http://nymag.com/betamale/2016/06/benching-ghosting.html

    • Brenna Holeman August 18, 2016 at 10:58 am #

      Oh man, ha ha. I have totally had “benching” situations in my life… but mostly with guys who live abroad, so it’s like, we’re not sure if we’ll see each other again, but also not sure that we want to close the door all together. If it happens in London I will definitely write about it! 😉

  30. Mary B August 22, 2016 at 6:03 pm #

    Do you think that this ghosting epidemic is a sign of where we are as a society? Like, we are so spoiled/inconsiderate of others’ feelings that we want to avoid conversations that might be slightly awkward, even if we are being really rude and hurtful to someone in the process? Not that I want to be with anyone who’s that inconsiderate/emotionally wimpy, but it seems to be pretty prevalent these days and weeding out the bad ones is freaking exhausting. (also – I always think people are dead/in the hospital when they are late or ghost – because what the heck other excuse is there for being that rude in this day and age with technology at your literal fingertips?)

    Love the Bhutanese horses! 🙂

    • Brenna Holeman August 23, 2016 at 10:51 am #

      Yes, I think that’s definitely the case… I think there’s a sense of forgetting about honour and respect toward each other. Maybe I’m idealising the past (I’m sure people ghosted via telegram or letter, hah), but it does seem to be rampant these days. And I agree with you, it can be exhausting!

  31. Jen August 23, 2016 at 2:29 am #

    Yes, I was ghosted once. We were “introduced” by a mutual friend who exchanged our phone numbers. We had several great phone conversations and then….nothing. I left two voicemails a week apart and kept it casual. And then I shrugged it off. Thankfully I hadn’t gotten too swept away. TWO YEARS LATER our mutual friend told me he asked about me! I couldn’t believe it. I’m happy to say that she was able to tell him I was getting married!

    • Brenna Holeman August 23, 2016 at 10:49 am #

      Oh man. Well, clearly you weren’t meant to be! 😉

  32. veena August 24, 2016 at 10:44 pm #

    When I was in grad school I got ghosted by my then-boyfriend — we were doing long distance between the States and India, and he just straight up stopped answering my calls or responding to my emails for three months before breaking up with me via email. It was miserable at the time, but you’re right, I learned a lot about the type of guy he was and now I can look back on it with a little bit of humor. This post was especially poignant because I recently started seeing a guy pretty casually, and when he had some things come up that made it difficult for us to see each other for a little while, he immediately let me know about it because he didn’t want to just disappear on me and leave me hanging. The difference between boys and men, I guess 🙂 xx

    • Brenna Holeman December 12, 2016 at 12:55 pm #

      Whoops – sorry for the late reply! Love your last line – I totally think it’s the difference between boys/girls and men/women. Adults have the respect and the courage to be honest. Thanks, Veena!

  33. Laur Kamy September 6, 2016 at 12:41 am #

    I have tons of issues with men named Chris as well. Dated like…5 I think all of whom turned out to be bad news (okay one was a Christian who hated being called Chris but I’m including him cuz it’s close enough). I had 2 of them ghost me as well. Once in high school, this Chris was my first real boyfriend and after a couple dates just straight up stopped texting. Then 5 years later friended me on Facebook. I rejected it and that was that. I had enough time to wash my hands of THAT mistake. The other was Christian in college. We lived together and everything, had a clean and mutual break up and remained close friends. Then all of a sudden, nothing. I heard from another friend he moved from Philadelphia to Boston (I live in New Haven so Boston is closer to me) 4 months earlier. Not a word. From what I hear his new girlfriend doesn’t like me (weird, I never met her). But oh well, everything happens for a reason right? Us and Chrises are not meant to be.

    • Brenna Holeman December 12, 2016 at 12:55 pm #

      Oh no – what is it with that name? Ha ha – I’m sure there are some really great men named Chris out there 😀

  34. Chris September 15, 2016 at 8:44 am #

    A friend shared this post with me after my first ghosting experience left me feeling more than a little hollow and betrayed. Thanks for expressing so eloquently what I’ve been trying and failing to explain to my friends.

    • Brenna Holeman December 12, 2016 at 12:56 pm #

      I’m sorry that this has happened to you, too! 🙁

  35. Natalynn December 12, 2016 at 6:44 am #

    I had a complete and utter emotional breakdown the first time I was ghosted after we were casually dating for a few months. I didn’t think that there were people like that in the world! How is it possible that someone is so impolite and rude, even when you show them that you care for them? I was devastated for a while, and then began to pick myself up again, and tried dating again.

    I started to learn how to trust other people and open up again. It was going well until out of the blue he insults me and ghosts me.. (just this past week actually…) I know that we have to keep our head up high and realize that those people aren’t meant for us – but really, it’s really, really difficult. I often feel like I care too much, love too much, all too fast. I’m so vulnerable, raw, and honest, and too often, it feels like these genuine feelings causes more harm than good to me. Dating is really, really, difficult, much more than I anticipated! I know I’m young (i’m 21), but looking into the future of dating just makes me more and more terrified as to how terribly we can treat our fellow human beings, and how negatively our actions can impact another person.

    || P.S. just started reading your blog yesterday Brenna, and I am ABSOLUTELY in love with your posts– definitely inspired me! I did my first solo international trip when I was 19, and haven’t been able to stop since. I hope to keep traveling for years to come! ||

  36. Ursa December 13, 2016 at 6:56 pm #

    Can’t believe I missed this post when it was originally published. Anyway, first of all I must point out that “I have no idea what photo to post in an article about ghosting, so here are some horses in Bhutan” made me laugh so hard I was crying. Brilliant!
    Great article and funny, just yesterday I was thinking a lot about it. I’ve hard a friend from another country who just disappeared. It was only few days ago, I finally accepted it and decided to move on. But yes, the thing is you hold on to that hope for so long. You believe in that person. It’s weird when you’re close with someone and then they are just gone out of nothing. I still have no explanation why we are now strangers.
    Luckily I’ve never experienced that with someone I really, really liked. It did happen with males too, but with a person I had no feelings for and tbh, I didn’t see us going anywhere either.

  37. Gene December 23, 2016 at 12:20 am #

    Late the the party too, but this article helps. In the middle of a ghosting, probably. International as well, Says she loves me, says we should visit each other (even as late as our last skype while she was at her work this week), but no phone for weeks, no skype except when she is at work, and texts have started to dry up. Also says she does not plan things. So I am not sure whether to call her out or just walk away. Either way ties me up in knots a bit.

  38. Drew January 6, 2017 at 6:24 am #

    Triple ditto on the horse photo, I think my snorting woke my housemate. I opted to use airplane mode as a work around for maniacal blue tick syndrome. Needless to say, it petered out eventually anyway, minus the one last date we had where he called me a witch over and over. 21st century warlock, baby. Anyway, while I’m sure writing it was cathartic, reading it may have proved even moreso. Ever battered your suitcase in New Mexico?; can we go on a date? My situation had an international twist too (Whatsapp) but I refuse to Skype, even family on Thanksgiving. Skype may be a very friendly conduit for ghosts. For better or worse, I’m in the tear him a new one family and appreciate I was able to site you about texting being easier than using the bathroom. The feeling of having gone overboard, yeah, maybe derisive me and cowardly him had a Romeo and Juliet moment of tragedy, but alls I knows is I’m way free to go out, drink Mexican beer and listen to a goth DJ at an undercrowded club on a Thursday night. So, yeah, thanks ghost. Oh, and blue ticking that another guy read your article (its SEO tops).

  39. Allison January 16, 2017 at 6:29 pm #

    Oh bleh.
    All of these stories are way-too-familiar.
    Thank you for sharing. You’re definitely right, someone who lacks the common courtesy to return a message or explain themselves just isn’t worth it!

  40. BB January 18, 2017 at 10:06 pm #

    Hi Brenna,

    I came across your post looking for how to get over this hell that is ghosting, there’s a strange comfort in knowing that ghosting happens to the best of people, no matter how pretty, smart or kind you are. I laughed at your anecdotes, not because it was funny but because they were all too familiar.

    Thanks for helping me through the tears and self loathing!

    • Brenna Holeman January 20, 2017 at 12:40 am #

      Aw, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, BB, but trust me… soon you’ll be so thankful that you dodged that bullet!! Stay strong 😀

  41. Angie January 19, 2017 at 5:11 am #

    Recently I went out on a casual coffee date with someone who never called again and I’ve felt pretty terrible ever since, but then I realised, I’ve met other men who have pursued me after meeting at a bar or whatever and I wasn’t terribly interested in them, so l just let communication peeter out, hoping they got the message… And I never thought about what feelings they may have a experienced as a result, I just moved on… So maybe this guy didnt realik how hurt I felt, he just lacked interest and moved on. Can’t hate him for that really.

    • Brenna Holeman January 20, 2017 at 12:39 am #

      No, I don’t think that what he did was unacceptable – as you said, it was only one coffee date. I do take issue with people who make specific plans but then ghost, or, as I mentioned in the article, go on multiple dates and/or start a relationship with someone and then ghost. It’s one thing to stop texting after a couple of hours hanging out. It’s another thing all together to ghost after spending a few months with someone! I’m glad that you are feeling better about the situation 🙂

  42. Joy January 24, 2017 at 9:16 pm #

    Oh Breena, thank you for posting. Back in the dating game and after 2 weeks of a.m. and p.m posts, memes, and two fabulous dates… nothing. I wrote him today: “Hey, so it seems like the spark fizzled out for you. Bummer, because I was enjoying getting to know you. Take care!” Even if he can’t be an adult, I can. I then looked up the term ghosting, because I hadn’t heard of it, and found your fabulous blog. Yes, laughter and being able to commiserate and realize it wasn’t me has helped a lot. My ego took a hit, but I also realized he obviously wasn’t the one for me if he could behave like this without a simple text.

    I also loved your horse photo and it brought a huge smile to my face. Perfect photo for a crummy topic. Oh, and I have yet to travel to Bhutan, but it is on my list! (51 countries and counting!)

  43. Trent January 29, 2017 at 10:31 pm #

    Thank you for this…

    Although this wasn’t a relationship I feel I recently fell victim to this and never heard the term until the other day.

    I thought a true friendship was forming and we were just going to be friends. Church buddies, texting during church and even during the week especially when she was done with work.

    Everything was going fine but then about 3 weeks ago she wasn’t responding to my texts, I even saw her active on Facebook messenger. So towards the end of the week I asked if I had done something wrong. She finally texted back (through regular cell) and said she had been busy that week. I accepted that and we even texted that Sunday during church.

    I sent her texts every day to say hi and to say hope she had a good day. However, after Sunday the 15th, I once again got no replies, not even on that Saturday or last Sunday when I expected one. All week last week and even today I never once got a text from her.

    Last week is when I learned of this term and after no text last Sunday I felt very defeated and felt like I did or said something wrong.

    Being busy that first week I could understand…but after 2 weeks of no replies …..ya it’s a sucker punch to the heart and it definitely lowers my self esteem a bit.

    This is not the first time this has happened to me through out my life. As I said I never knew the term until recently.

  44. Kayce February 3, 2017 at 5:15 pm #

    Do ghosters feel guilt? Do they have a conscience? And do they ever come back?

  45. Kristin Banks February 8, 2017 at 4:26 pm #

    After reading this article I’ve realized that my husband of fourteen years ghosted me. He left the house three months ago (after I found out he was cheating) and cut off all communication with me, although we have three kids together. He tried to behave as if we had never even been married and once referred to us as being “good friends” after I asked him if he wanted a divorce. I’ve also since found out that he’s a narcissist and gas lighter (similar to Donald Trump’s personality traits).

    • Brenna Holeman February 8, 2017 at 6:32 pm #

      Oh no. That is just awful. I’m so sorry to hear that, Kristin 🙁

  46. Marcia February 11, 2017 at 10:28 pm #

    I was in a relationship for just shy of 3 yrs!, never really an unkind word between us, never had a hint anything could be wrong. We had plans for the future! We were so close, I thought, we communicated in some form every day. Spent weeks at a time together when possible.
    I was ghosted 5wks ago and was out of my mind thinking he was injured or worse. Found out he’s alive & well from his family. Not a syllable from him since Jan 3rd. His last text was his usual sweet msg, mentioning “call you later, love”
    I’m devastated and feel stuck bc I can’t understand why he left me, no hints, and I can’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me if he wanted out.
    Feels like a death to me. I’m seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, as I’m unable to cope right now.

    • Brenna Holeman February 12, 2017 at 2:44 am #

      I am so, so sorry, Marcia. What a terrible thing he has done. I think that speaking with someone is a really brave and proactive step, and I hope that you start to feel normal again very soon. Thinking of you x

      • Marcia February 12, 2017 at 8:00 pm #

        Ty Brenna.

  47. Elephant February 24, 2017 at 8:34 pm #

    Fellow victim of ghosting here…with pretty much every guy I’ve been on dates with in 2016 (not counting the ones that I didn’t care about that still ghosted, that’s at least 4 guys that I went on 2-4 dates with). Nevermind the most recent one that really broke my heart as we had talked about our past relationships and what we’re looking for (and asked me about my schedule for meeting up next time) that still ghosted…but one story I wanted to share here was a guy I chatted with online with that I had confirmed the evening before if we were still on for the next day as I was visiting a city 3 hours away at that time and had to factor in the drive back home to meet him. He had confirmed and I raced back home for 3 hours to change and when I listened to my gut feeling since I didn’t get text from him all day to confirm our plans he didn’t respond. Finally a few days later I texted again telling him I raced back home and left my friends early to meet up with him. He could have respected my time. Still no response. Ok I know both guys and girls are guilty of ghosting but in relation to my situation what is up with all these douchebags? Have we as a society dropped to such a low that we can’t realize that the other person has a life and their time is valuable too? What is next, not showing up for work when you “stop feeling it”?

    • Brenna Holeman February 24, 2017 at 8:37 pm #

      UGH… honestly, I just don’t get it. You’re right – have we dropped to such a low that we can’t appreciate another human being in the slightest? Is everyone just totally wrapped up in their own selfish world and can’t even be bothered writing or calling to cancel? I have had so many situations like this – I only listed the three here – and I’m getting so sick of it. I have to admit, though, your last line made me laugh. I wouldn’t put it past some of these people!

      I’m so sorry that this happened to you! Just know that you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling…

  48. Cam February 26, 2017 at 9:21 am #

    I’ve been ghosted several times, but this most recent one was far and away the worst. I met this girl through a good friend of mine, they’re both in the same sorority. I had been seeing her for about 2.5 months. I have met her mom, met a ton of her friends, I even went with her as her date to her staff Christmas party. We were both incredibly busy with school/work recently and I wasn’t able to see her for a little over a week. But we were still talking and everything seemed normal. My reading week for university was coming up and I was going to go skiing for a few days, I wanted to see her before leaving. I ended up going over and staying the night at her place before getting up to leave the next morning. (Something did feel off, as she wanted to go to bed right away). I was gone for 4 days skiing and in that time I texted her twice, with no response at all. I come back and talk about it with the friend that I met her through, who now seems to be pretty convinced she started cheating during that time I couldn’t see her. I still have yet to hear anything from her, almost a full week later. Up until this point she seemed like a mature, rational and kind person.. It’s just baffling how someone can just up and completely cut you off, without any sort of indication that anything is even wrong.

    • Brenna Holeman February 27, 2017 at 12:42 am #

      I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that, Cam, but please know that a) you are not alone and b) this was TOTALLY a sign of her immaturity. She is not someone you want to be with. If she did this after a few months together, who knows what kind of crap she would have tried to pull later on down the line? I know that it’s difficult right now, but trust me, in a couple of weeks, you’ll be so thankful that you dodged that bullet. You don’t want to be with someone who could treat you with such disrespect.

  49. Isabel March 4, 2017 at 5:34 pm #

    Thank you for this post, Ms. Holeman. First time being ghosted just a few weeks ago. Met him on tinder. I am totally over it, but I would still check his social media from time to time because he added me already on facebook and we follow each other on instagram. I don’t want to look like the bitter one if I unfriend/unfollow him even if he wouldn’t care. We went out for 2 dates. Both dates went really well. He explicitly told me he liked me after our 1st date and he said he wanted to see me again soon. It was a sunday and he actually wanted to see me again 2 days later. 2nd date was on a thursday (same week as the 1st date), super flirty, he liked my quirks etc. We even planned for the 3rd date on Sunday to visit an art gallery. He even planted a kiss on my cheek when he dropped me off at my house on our 2nd date when I was really aiming for a cheek to cheek (I know.. some guys here in the Philippines are still conservative) and even reminded me that we’ll see each other on Sunday. After that 2nd date, he never texted to check up on me or whatever. I didn’t want to be the first one to text. So, when I texted him Saturday night to confirm if we’re still on the next day, I didn’t get a response. Me, being foolish, still prepared the next day in case he was gonna text me last minute. No text. I FELT REALLY AWFUL. I cried and my self esteem was way too low at that point. I really didn’t want to be left in the dark, so I texted him the following day, “it was nice knowing you, ___. Good luck.” I was surprised that he replied at once saying, “Hey, ____. Sorry for not replying. I am going through a weird phase right now. Maybe we could talk again after I go through this. Sorry again.” I was a fool to believe everything he said to me during those 2 dates. I didn’t mind the fact that he just broke up with his girlfriend last month because he emphasized that he was the one who initiated the break up and he wouldn’t be interested at the idea of reconnecting with her. And he said that the reason for the break up was because the girl was being needy. He also didn’t believe in the 3 month rule (to appease me, I guess). I really liked him, but I guess he was just dating around. I still can’t accept that he was just not that into me because I haven’t read any sign or body language that proved it. We still haven’t unmatched each other on tinder, so I saw that he updated his profile. Also saw that he was partying around, enjoying his freedom. Your blog was such a big help. It stopped me from attempting the worst thing that could happen right now, which was inviting him out for coffee like a super, short, chill, not a date, hang out. No feelings involved. Just friends hang out. I was seriously thinking about sending him this message because I am so frustrated with all the guys that I match with on tinder because they are all a bunch of pussies, not replying, not asking for dates, lame convos, guys who I’m just not that into etc. Like right now, I would be willing to just go out with him again with no expectations. I know it sounds gross, desperate and stupid. But then again, this blog is a life saver. I would just have to be patient and wait for the next (better) one.

  50. Jul March 4, 2017 at 6:46 pm #

    I’m sorry i know this is almost like a year after you posted this. It just helped me and so has reading the comments. I was just ghosted after 2.5 months of dating and it was my first time dating after getting out of a 4 year relationship and a year break afterward. Up until now, I’ve never experienced ghosting and never even knew it was a thing and let me tell you it fucking SUCKS! Things were going so well and so great, I had no reason to think this would happen. I asked him if he wanted to hang out last saturday and he said he was busy and that was the last time he ever answered a text. Its been dead silence a full week later and before this we used to talk all day everyday. I know he’s alive and well because he’s been active on social media. Its just baffling how a person could go from constant communication to none at all with no regard for the other person’s feelings. I would never ever do that to him or anyone. It’s so cowardly and disrespectful. And i’m sitting here just wondering why this happened or what I did wrong because seriously it came out of nowhere!

  51. Jenny March 28, 2017 at 6:00 pm #

    Hi Brenna, your post is amazing. It was great to read all of the other comments too. I’ve just got ghosted for three days I guess. I’ve been dating with this guy for almost 1 month, maybe 5 dates because I was busy, not to have much time for dating. First time we had sex, it was just bad because I really like sex while he sexual needs seems just 1/5. I was struggle to think throught the night how to break up with him, but when I saw his face in the morning – he is just so handsome and treats me so nice, I think just try to date more. Then what, we met by accident at the park while my kid were there ( very weird because I dont expect any date to meet up with my kid) As our plan, after my night with friends I would go to his place to sleep with him and spend morning together. I sent him messages by watsapp quite late, no reply. Checked his fb, he is still online but in the morning next day he said he fell to sleep last night. I should end things up there but we continue message then suddenly no reply… for two days.

    The problem is I met him on tinder but we have some mutual friends. I got ghosted before but I couldnt prepare for this time, with someone who is friend of my friend. I have high ego, so this hurt me so much, I feel ashame because I always think about myself that Im so amazing and behave that way. Now when a guy lose interest in me and ghost me, my self esteem become so low.

    What our mutual friends will think about me? Like a loser but always too confident?

    One of our mutual friend will have her birthday this weekend. If I go there, I will see him again… I dont know if I should be there just because of him, and we live in the same city so we can run into each other sometime.

    Should I send him a message to tell that Im not confortable with his behavior, tell him if dating is not working just think like we are friends?

    What should I say if I run into him again, or if I see him at my friend birthday party?

  52. Devastated April 4, 2017 at 1:45 pm #

    I have been ghosted by my boyfriend for 9 years. We lived together for 7 years. He was the man in my daughter’s life. He left overnight and I have never heard from him since. It happened in early January 2017 and 3 months later, I do not know if I will recover one day…

    • Brenna Holeman April 4, 2017 at 3:17 pm #

      Oh no, that is so horrible. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. 🙁 Sending you love from London xo

  53. Kimberly Ann April 27, 2017 at 4:44 pm #

    I was recently dating a guy for about three months, and we had a fabulous time together. I was kind of in the gray area the entire time though, because he wouldn’t talk to me much in between our dates… just when I was about to give up, he’d reach out and make plans. We spent several weekends, many wonderful dates, and even a double date together. He said he wanted to take me backpacking this summer and talked about all these future plans. Last time we went out was in March. A month went by and he wished me “Happy Birthday,” ON FACEBOOK… talk about insulting. He has since snapchatted me (I don’t respond to them) and communicated with me on social media (publicly, no DMs), but to me, I have still been ghosted. I kind of knew he was a coward but had high hopes since I’ve liked this guy for a long time. I think that most disappointing fact is that, I had such high expectations for him as a person, and he’s not the person I thought he was. Thank you for this article…. <3

  54. DQ April 30, 2017 at 9:30 pm #

    I was ghosted for the first time in late January of this year, and sadly it still occasionally haunts me (pun fully intended).

    Background: This girl from Finland who had been following me on Twitter reached out to me in December 2015 after I had just started at a new job on the West Coast in the US. She noticed that we had a lot of similar, nerdy interests and wanted to get to know me better. I had previously seen and shared a cool photo of her cosplay on a Facebook page I ran, so we were at least aware of each other via Instagram/Twitter in the past.

    Things were going great, we video chatted a lot on Skype, even played games together online and occasionally flirted. After about a month, when I responded to her in flirtatious way on Facebook, she asked me if I was flirting with her. When I replied with a coy “maybe” she said that was fine, but not to mess with her because she “might have a crush on me and it’s not helping”. She mentioned that she would love to save some money and come visit me in the US. She often messaged me these gushing, word-vomity posts about how she thinks I’m a very pleasant person and that she constantly felt like she was bothering me. It was tied to her anxiety and depression, which she had since middle school and actively went to see a therapist for.

    After that talk about her having a crush on me, she sent me a word-vomity FB message about how relationships scare her and she has trust issues, and that after being in a relationship that ended terribly she never wanted to be in one ever again. “Yeah, I might have little crushes here and there but I just deny them from myself and move on.”

    There were two occasions where one of her friends flat-out said he could totally “ship” us – meaning he could totally see us being together. This gave me the idea that perhaps we could become closer when we finally met.

    She finally came to visit in late December. I had a great time showing her around my city. I did notice some behaviors that were odd to me – her very reserved nature (very common in Finnish culture), her negativity, her incredibly picky eating habits, her unwillingness to be in photos, and her overall lack of energy. I understood this to be tied to her anxiety and depression, and in hindsight it makes me realize that my lifestyle just didn’t gel with hers all that well. Despite all this, we connected in other ways and enjoyed talking and hanging out.

    So when it came time to send her off to the airport, I got incredibly emotional. When I hugged her, I broke down and told her I had feelings for her, to which she simply responded “I can tell”.
    After we said our goodbyes, I was in a badly, overly emotional mood for the next few days. When I mustered up the courage, I messaged her and told her that I had a great week with her and because of all the time we spent together, I fell hard for her. I told her I understood she didn’t seek serious relationships with people but I just wanted to know how she felt.

    I brought up how she reached out to me over a year ago, how she shared her feelings with me in the past, and how her friend would totally “ship us”.

    I told her that even if she didn’t share this feeling mutually, it would be OK. It would admittedly sting me for a while, but I could try to get over it. In the end, I told her that no matter what I wanted to be her friend and to be there for her.

    Her response: “It’s really nice to know you feel like that, but I have to say that I don’t feel anything but friendship for you. Right now this is all making me feel a bit anxious, so I’m going to need some time to digest this. I almost always get anxious whenever someone tells me they have feelings for me. Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun during my trip and I think you’re still a great person”.

    I told her I was glad she was being honest with me, and that I would give her space, but also told her to never be afraid to reach out to me. She said “Thanks. I’m sorry” and I let her know not to apologize, and that it’ll be OK.

    I gave her two weeks of no communication, to give her space. Meanwhile I was dealing with a broken heart and trying to cheer myself up on social media and by talking to friends, drinking my sorrows away, the usual.

    After two weeks, I reached out again to ask her how she was doing. She never responded. She instead protected her Twitter account against me and began ghosting me.

    After consulting my friends, I unfriended her on Facebook as I realized I needed to distance myself from this person who clearly was undergoing a depressive episode but at the same time was showing they were too immature to have a healthy, adult conversation with me.

    Although I tried to distance myself, it didn’t always work. In my many moments of weakness, I would look at her friend’s Twitter pages to get some sense of how she was doing – because deep down I still cared deeply about her, even if it was a one-way street at this point.

    She would eventually slowly but surely remove me from other friends lists: Steam, Skype, etc. A few weeks after, I noticed her friends tweeting photos and thanking her for gifts – these were gifts that I had originally given her for her birthday. And now she was re-gifting them. This hurt me even more – to the point I decided to block her on social media in every way I could. I didn’t understand why she was being this toxic.

    Her ghosting and subsequent actions made me feel used and abused. I felt like she used me as a place to stay for free while she visited America. I felt like her re-gifting things was a petty way to “get at” me. It felt incredibly manipulative. For the whole year I knew her online, she was leading me on – making me think something was going to happen, when it really didn’t.

    After a few months, she reopened her Twitter account. One of her tweets caught my eye: “I’m really hopeful about making my Twitter public again but I’m still really paranoid having the ‘wrong people’ checking up on me. :|”

    It’s such a catty, passive aggressive thing to say – she was clearly referring to me, and it felt like a slap in the face. I didn’t do anything wrong – sharing my feelings with her wasn’t wrong. After some time I thought that perhaps me opening up to her triggered something within her – perhaps a past traumatic event from another relationship, and that’s why she did what she did. But I’m just left guessing, I never got an official reason for her actions. And I perhaps never will.

    Friends continue to tell me I shouldn’t reach out to her at all – that I am a better, kinder and more successful person, that I deserve better treatment, and that people who ghost are emotionally immature, manipulative people that don’t deserve your attention. Even if I was OK with just being her friend. They say I dodged a bullet and that there were a LOT of red flags with her that I initially chose to ignore.

    They’re totally right, but the whole thing still bugs me from time to time. It’s gotten way, way better since January & February when all this happened. But it still crops up. I get angry about it. I think about how terrible her actions were. I think about how she didn’t acknowledge my own birthday. I still feel this impulse to e-mail her just so I can get my own form of closure, since she didn’t let me have that. I know she probably wouldn’t respond to it, but I think it’d help close this emotionally painful chapter of my life.

    Despite the emotional pain this whole ordeal put me in, I learned a lot from it. I learned to be more open and honest about my feelings, and that it’s important to make your intentions clear in the beginning with anyone you’re crushing on, or dating. It taught me that just because you crush on someone online doesn’t mean they’re a compatible person with you in real life. It taught me a lot about how people with severe depression and anxiety operate. It also got me back into working out and releasing my aggravation about the situation through healthier means.

    And despite all the drama, I can at the very least remember the good times we had. And on the plus side, I’ve taken up dating again and have been dating a very sweet, kind-hearted person who appreciates me. And yet, the pain of this episode still comes up every now and then.

    Ghosting sucks!

  55. Erin May 3, 2017 at 11:26 pm #

    I know this is an old post, but I was just ghosted for the first time, and this post really helped me feel better. have been beating myself over it and doing the classic over rationalizing like “oh maybe i was too cold or didn’t show i was into him enough” etc. what’s annoying is he’s a mutual friend, so i know i’m going to see him again – so very moronic on his part. but, like you said it’s helpful because it shows you who that person is, and it’s someone you don’t to be with. rambling comment, but had to share since this resonated with me a lot and made me feel better!

  56. Gwynn May 9, 2017 at 6:03 am #

    Brenna,

    Thank you for your article, it has really helped :). I was wondering what you might think of my situation. I didn’t know of the term ghosting until it happened to me a second (the most recent) time. In both cases, the ghosting occurred once it was pretty clear we wouldn’t see each other for a very long time (perhaps never again) because our lives were going separate directions.

    The first time was in college. I met someone the second semester of my senior year and we became very close. When graduation came I was devastated. We spent our last days and nights together. He was staying in school another year and I was going onto teaching in a different city, and we talked about how timing is everything, and that we would be dating permanently had timing been better. It did not make sense for us to date long distance. We had only known each other for a couple months and we were so young. I agreed with that. I knew I would have to move on and I didn’t have a hope that we would date anytime soon. But I was in love, and I cared about him, so post graduation I wanted to stay in touch. And so did he! We stayed in touch for a month after graduation and then…. ghosted. I didn’t understand but I didn’t spend too much time on it. I accepted that our relationship had run its course. But then a couple months later I got a long e-mail from him explaining what he had been up to, asking me lots of questions, telling me he missed me. And this cycle of communication carried on with him for a year. I learned not to get excited when he texted me or care if it ended. Now when he texts me I see it as an old friend texting me and have no emotion towards it.

    The second, most recent, time, I am still coping with and feeling very hurt because of it. I just moved home from a place where I was living for two years. In my last two months living there I met someone from Argentina and we fell head over heals for each other. I was very careful because I know the reputation latin guys have, but so many things made me certain he truly liked me. First, all my argentine mutual girl friends told me they had never seen him act that way with a girl (brining me food to work and to parties, cooking me dinner at my apartment, taking me on hikes, spending days at a time together, taking me on dinner dates, etc.) Also many of his actions convinced me. Aside from all the above he also sent a picture of me to his family (I actually saw that he had sent it to his family Whatsapp Chat and to his friend group, and he went into the “album” of photos he sends to family and I could see I was the only chica which made me happy). We talked about me visiting Argentina but I wasnt sure if he was serious because it had all gone so fast. We met 6 weeks prior to his departure but it was only serious for 4 weeks I would say. Anyway, it was the best 6 weeks together. I havent felt this way about a guy since the kid from college (both ghosters..hmm). His smile, his eyes, his voice, made me crazy. His energy lit me up. I was in love. When he left for the airport to go back to Argentina it was really sad and we both cried. I texted him that I was sad and he said he was too, and then I texted him the name of a song he wanted me to tell him and he didnt respond. I didn’t hear from him for a week. Then he started texting me every day for a month. Talking about the town we were in, that he missed me, that he wanted to come back and do all these things with me. He would leave me voice notes all day on whatsapp. I responded back with voice notes, too. He sent me pictures of what he was doing back home. And every day I refused to initiate because I was scared he would eventually stop caring. But every day he initiated conversation. We didnt have plans to see each other again, he didnt have to keep communicating with me, and yet he did. And he was interested in what I was doing 24/7. The last week his responses have dwindled until a few days ago when he just didnt answer my text. He’s active on social media and I know he’s good with his phone. He had initiated converstaion for a month, so why is he stopping all of the sudden? There are no strings attached, I literally just texted him because something reminded me of him. We don’t need to talk 24/7 I’m the least clingy person, but when I care about someone or am thinking about them I don’t play games and I just text them.

    Anyway, sorry for the long post, I have a main point/question. Like I said both situations the ghosting happened after communicating for about a month with each other after our goodbye. Could the ghosting have to do with their inability to handle the emotion of not seeing each other again? Or maybe after a month they came to the realization that what is the point when we aren’t going to see each other for a while? Is it naive optimism for me to think that they really did miss me for that month, but that after that month reality kind of set in that, no, we aren’t going to see each other for a very long time? I know for me, communicating with both of these guys was nice but I eventually accepted that we were thousands of miles apart and couldn’t do a long distance relationship. I’m going to grad school, he’s got another two years of engineering school. I don’t know when I would visit even if I had the time and if we still talked. So, I guess I’m wondering if it was all real. Did he really like me, did he really miss me and was that why he stayed in contact? I want it to be true! It will help me have closure. When we were together I was as confident a girl could be in his feelings towards me. But the ghosting just confused me. Please help, and thanks so so much for your post!!

    -Gwynn

  57. Sierra May 9, 2017 at 7:01 pm #

    Thank you for this blog post, it really has helped a lot! I got ghosted for the first time after being asked to a wedding for a first date. A wedding…where I met his family and friends! Everything had seemed completely fine, exchanged numbers, plans, etc. Then a few days later it was: “I had a good time.” After I replied, no response. Few days later, I reach out and get a cold response to a joke, and again, nothing. And that was that. At first I had a really hard time with it, now I completely see it differently after reading your post. WHY would I want a relationship with someone who has clearly shown to me a complete lack of communication and respect that early on? It makes so much sense that all these people that ghost are doing us a favor and sparing us a miserable relationship with them or further hurt. From now on I’ll remember “being ghosted had nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else’s inability to communicate.” I will from this point forward, make a conscious effort to never do this to someone. Really you don’t even have to say it has anything to do with them. A simple, I’m sorry I’m not ready to date right now-is enough! Just bizarre to care so little about someone else you spent an otherwise enjoyable time with. But thanks and keep writing!

  58. Jenny May 25, 2017 at 8:38 pm #

    Thanks so much for this post, it’s been really helpful. I’m in my 40’s and after a few months of dating was ghosted by a 48 year old policeman. I thought he’d have more respect, better communication skills and not be such a coward. It would be great to publically name and shame these immature people. It’s really put me off dating at the moment.

  59. Marie Landry May 27, 2017 at 5:35 am #

    This is one of the things about the modern age that sucks. I’m sure people were ghosted pre-cell phones and social media, but I’m also sure it happens WAY more now because so much of our lives are online. People barely know how to communicate anymore because so much is done via comments and text and DMs and emojis, etc. It has a lot of pros, but when you read stuff like this you see the cons too. A friend of mine had this happen fairly recently. She met a guy online, they hit it off, she was crazy about him, they talked about going out on more dates, the potential for a future together, and then…nothing. He stopped texting her, didn’t answer her texts, deleted and blocked her on Facebook. Eventually, she checked his FB via her alternate profile (she writes under a pseudonym so has two profiles) and saw he was dating someone else. So…is it cowardice? Indifference? Fear of confrontation? I get not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by telling them you’re not really that into them or don’t see a future, but doesn’t it hurt their feelings MORE to be completely ignored and leave them wondering if they did or said something wrong? For some people who lack in confidence, they’d automatically assume it was something they did or something wrong with them, and then it just adds to the cycle of insecurity.

    Great post, as always. Now I know where to send people if they say this has happened to them!

  60. Elizabeth May 27, 2017 at 1:14 pm #

    Thank you for this! I’m damn near 40 and have been around the block a few times so when I got ghosted by a guy who repeatedly told me how beautiful I am (apparently I am the most beautiful woman in Virginia!) and was sooo attentive and wanting to hang out all the time and then BOOM! Gone-I kept asking myself what I did wrong. Thanks for reminding me I did nothing wrong and he’s just not able to communicate. I found your piece by googling “ghosting” and it’s reminded me to look at the the bigger picture. I also texted it to the dude when tipsy at 1am and have zero regrets.

  61. Laney May 31, 2017 at 8:02 pm #

    After being a victim of Ghosting. I searched and searched through countless dating blogs and sites for something to make me feel better. Your blog did. It’s reassuring to know that someone as fun and established as you, can go through ghosting and be able to talk about it in an adult manner and heal.

    Although I only talked to the guy a few weeks, there was a lot of emotions during that time. Not to mention he sweet-talked the hell out of me. But in the end even for someone being in law enforcement ( i expected better from him) he was too coward to even end it in an adult manner.

    I know i will eventually feel better but the hurt is pretty rough. The anger and sadness and shock that he couldn’t even have the integrity to say it wasn’t going to work out.

  62. Clare June 8, 2017 at 4:00 pm #

    First time I’ve ever posted a comment, but this article really hits home! It remains relevant and an amazing source of comfort for those of us who are now scared of ghosts.

    My story is so similar to the others, as i’m sure my pain is. I’m in week 3 of no contact after 2 glorious months of the fairy-tale beginnings of a new relationship – meeting of the friends, airport pickups, family introductions, being chucked out of more than one pub as it was closing and we were still nattering away, full of conversation and laughter – you name it, it happened.

    Every time I want to reach out and try and question his behavior, or i’m reminded of him in anyway, I email myself what I would have sent him. It feels so good to get it ‘on paper’ without actually sending it to anyone. I haven’t re-read any of the emails, but it just feels better out than in.

    Brenna, as a fellow Londoner, please let us know if you ever plan a coffee/wine/gin event – I’m working off the basis that I would defo like other people who love your blog, and it would be good to meet other kindred spirits in this horrific dating world!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the first time in a long while I don’t feel like my stomach is churning and I might get my appetite back!

  63. Ann June 8, 2017 at 6:31 pm #

    Great and so true post, Brenna.

    So, I guess I have a story as well because I have been reading ghosting stories for a week now and it’s really bugging me. 🙁 It happened recently, 9 days ago to be precise.

    After five months of constant communication (ok, with ups and downs) since we were so far away from each other we were supposed to meet up for the first time in this June. We clicked and hit it off with constant communication via texts, Skype, phone…he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

    Yet, in the last month, I felt something is off and I gave subtle signs to tell me if he doesn’t wanna meet.
    When I asked him finally it’s the answer is no. He ghosted me for two days, blocked me on Facebook and WhatsApp instantly. These were the longest two days in my life, I was crushed by the immature reaction. I really did not expect that. It was my first time of experiencing this and It is the worst feeling ever. I even left him a message of how I’m thankful I met him regardless his last behavior. I just felt better and I wanted to give myself a closure in a way. He read all that. So after two days I also finally kindly ask him to unfollow me everywhere because what’s the point, he finally answered this: ”OK I’m sorry. For everything. There’s a lot going on in my life at the moment. I need to sort out. Some good stuff and bad stuff and some confusing stuff. I understand if you hate me.”

    Yes, I get it, that’s a major blow off but as everyone else, we deserve to know right away. Why lies, why ghosting. Just why? Why blocking me on Facebook and really what’s up with that? We were not even dating or anything. We haven’t met in person. Hellou. It’s sooooo crazy. I cant’ even. That act of ghosting struck me harder than the fact he’s no longer interested. And the feeling when someone blocks you on Facebook – that’s like the ultimate fuck off. And I did not deserve that. Yes, he decided not to meet me even though he was so persistent and all cutie pies and unicorns but the blocking thing. It’s the most cowardly and immature thing a person can do another human being. I’m really thankful he did show me his real face tho, but that’s all on him. I believe in karma tho, that’s the only thing I can say. That’s my closure: Karma is a bitch. 😉

  64. Nadra June 13, 2017 at 5:24 am #

    I have been ghosted by a guy who talked bout married. He engaged to me. He flew me to Texas from NYC to spend time together.after talking for so long he brought up married. We talked about arranging a move. Showed me his divorce papers. I even stayed with him at his home. When I flew back to NYC a week later I never heard from him later. Not at least I change my mind or I don’t think it’s going to work.nothing. I try calling leaving message. No response. Couldn’t tell if something happened cause he lived alone w his dogs. But I knew I was ghosted

  65. Eric June 15, 2017 at 3:53 am #

    I ghosted a woman that was crazy. She talked about hurting herself unless I did exactly what she said. She said she got married the first time because it was the right time to be married. Not because she was in love. She constantly called me all day at work. Threatened physical violence towards me. Blamed me for being sick on Valentine’s Day and hung up the phone in my face. She tried calling back. I never answered. I changed my number. I still get Facebook messages from her that day hi and I promise you sex. I block them and then she creates another account. It’s been five plus years.

    • Brenna Holeman June 15, 2017 at 4:05 pm #

      I think I’m a situation like that, ghosting is totally justified. As I said in the article, if it feels harmful or abusive, you absolutely have the right to ghost someone. I’m sorry you’re going through this, Eric, that’s awful. 🙁

  66. Katey June 17, 2017 at 11:55 am #

    Hey, I’m late to the party but found your article in a fit of ghosting-related anger and frustration. I have been ghosted after 5-6 dates with a guy that was very sweet and very sincere and (seemed) very into me. No idea what happened. I am a study abroad student so we both knew our time together was limited but it seems so weird to me to just cut it off without explanation. You’re so right that you don’t want to be with a person who will behave that way, but it just makes me feel so angsty and frustrated to have no idea what went wrong (or if I did something wrong). Thanks for the article and if you happen to have any further advice on whether it’s best to follow up with a (dignified) message like — hey, don’t know what happened but i wish you would have just told me you didn’t want to hang out again — or whatever, or whether to forget the whole thing and not embarrass myself further, I would love the advice 🙂

  67. Ben June 22, 2017 at 4:18 am #

    Make that five guys reading – really helpful post. Got the ghost after two months, and my fellow dude advice of “dude just don’t think about her” isn’t cutting it. I’ve wanted to write something, basically as closure, but haven’t known what….anything I say feels heavy, needy, stupid, etc. even if it’s direct and short. Looking back (objectively), it was clear she was fading at the end – but we humans tend to willfully ignore those flags when those brain chemicals are busy. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying here. I googled about relational ghosts and here I am. Thanks for the advice, I’ll probably send some final brief thoughts. It’s been a couple weeks, but I was into her, so it’s for myself anyway. Any guy specific advice on writing (texting) the girl-ghost you wish to share will be well received. Peace ✌🏼

  68. Antonello June 26, 2017 at 12:00 am #

    Hi Brenna, I am not ashamed to admit that I googled “girls ghost me after kissing” a couple of hours after my most recent dating disappointment which, luckily, brought me to this post. I loved every single word of it and you exposed the problem brilliantly. You definitely got yourself a new reader. My ego is already small and the continuous ghosting is taking quite the toll on it. The thing that bothers me the most is when it happens after a good date or a good kiss. Also, I noticed that the demographics of every single one of my ghosts is not that varied: in my past experiences it always involved a British or Irish girl. I find this coincidence quite funny. All the times I end up thinking that maybe I’m not interesting enough, or that maybe I haven’t integrated well enough here or that I’m not attractive enough to be in London. At least I learned to send i-am-not-an-idiot-and-i-acknowledge-your-bluff-politely texts.

    Anyway, I’ll stop because I feel like I’m rambling on. I just needed to vent it to someone that knew how it felt to be ghosted more than once. Hope you don’t mind! Also, we should definitely arrange a ghost-hunt in London at some point! 🙂

  69. amanda July 3, 2017 at 10:01 pm #

    Haha thanks for your post and also the people who comment it !! It feels jind of relieving to see other people have been through this ! I have been ghosted twice in the past. The first guy who ghosted me was at the beginning a nice person but i honestly had the doubt that he might like guys more than girls, a common friend we had by then also thought he seemed like he liked guys.. so maybe that could explain things. It didn’t hurt me that much cause I was not that into him anyway. But second time it happened to me was painful cause the guy simply ghosted after 2 little arguments. I never truly had a closure and months ago he wrote back out of the blue to say hi and ask how was my life, and when I answered he ghosted again, weird enough. It can be heart breaking if you really like the person but still, i guess there is a time when it’s time to face the truth and not make excuses for this behaviour 🙂 and sorry for my English, i am not a native !

  70. Jennifer July 6, 2017 at 6:28 pm #

    This is so helpful…I guess I wasn’t fully ghosted but I feel like it. I dated someone for about 6 weeks, we had made plans to travel, even booked airfare…then I get a random text a few hours before our next date saying basically “My life is crazy right now and I realized I’m not ready to date…I like you but we’re on track to get serious and I am not ready”…but then he never responded again and then went through and blocked me on all social media. Even LinkedIn!! which made me laugh. We weren’t even friends on any other social media outlets but he still felt the need to block me. And I just don’t get it…why would someone put all that time and energy in to a new relationship, and then suddenly say “oops just kidding” and disappear? We never argued, always had a great time, and he said really wonderful things to me…why do all of that? He didn’t have to…we could have casually dated without him pursing me so hard or saying all the things he said. Frankly part of me wants to show up at his office and whip a milkshake at him, while the other wishes he would just text or call me and apologize. I would have appreciated a conversation to just understand what the deal is…my friends say it isn’t me, but obviously there was something I must have done to make him behave this way, and its driving me bananas not to know what it is. I’d like to believe he really does have something crazy going on that he has to deal with, and maybe I’m just so great he can’t even talk to me or see my picture anywhere just in case it causes him to change his mind about his dating hiatus (haha), but I think that if someone goes to these extremes to disappear, it is probably for a reason and/or he never wants to speak to me again. It just hurts my heart and I know what he did is a cowardly thing to do, but I’m more confused and hurt than angry, and even now would still speak to him if he made the effort. Barf. What is wrong with me? 😉

    • Bella July 7, 2017 at 11:11 pm #

      Nothing wrong with you sweetie. I’m a month of no contact and still get tempted to reach out. After being in touch with someone 6 or 7 times in video chat and text every day for a year it’s left a huge space in my life. I’m sure he just found someone new but a text to say he wanted to end it would’ve been appreciated. The only reason I don’t think something bad happened to him was on reflection he started to pull back and slow fade for about 8 weeks before the final message saying he was excited for the weekend and what was I planning? He never read my reply and never heard from him again. I keep wanting to send him a YouTube link to Kellis, I hate you so much right now track LOL. I wasted a year on a total sh… Be strong. There’s better guys n gals out there I’m sure of it.

  71. Scott July 7, 2017 at 1:02 pm #

    Thanks for being part of the healing process for me

  72. Ann July 13, 2017 at 6:02 pm #

    I was searching for an explanation for my my bf ghosted after 4 months, and this is by far the most insightful article/post I’ve found. We’re a few hours hours apart, but we’ve seen each other about every other weekend, always for at least one night. He told me he loved me after about 2 months, but then he got scared and so we backed off a bit, still texting every day and seeing each other.

    He still seemed like the most emotionally aware and mature guy I’ve ever been with. Once before, he had started backing away from texting regularly, which for us is multiple times a day, to once or twice a day, but he was at a conference, so I gave him a little slack until it was over. When I did bring it up him with him, he told me he loved that I called him on it and that it made him think more about his emotions and emotional needs. And then things went back to regular texting.

    Last week, he starting checking to see if I wrote (we use Google Hangouts, so I can see if he read my messages) only twice a day. Then once. Even if I replied immediately, he was already gone for the next who knows how many hours. When I called him on it, he apologized profusely about how he’s really busy (which he is) and said he’d make time for me the next day. I wrote back and said I don’t need more time (because he’s actually busy) but that I want to know when he won’t be available. Two days later, he hasn’t even looked to see if I responded. Total silence.

  73. Emmy July 21, 2017 at 6:57 pm #

    Dear Brenna, I really want to thank you for this article…

    I’ve been googling way too much lately because I didn’t know ghosting or him losing interest after 2 months of dating and meeting the parents was a thing – but apparently having 1 bad date after a lot of great dates can change the whole thing …

    Anyway, it feels good not to be alone with this 🙂
    And after all, we’re really better up without someone who can’t communicate properly, anyway!

    But honestly, thank you – your article helped me a lot, and came just at the right time 🙂

    All the best to you, Emmy

  74. Ace July 27, 2017 at 8:27 am #

    I’m very depressed about my story. The lady I am referring to I’ll call her Jill. Jill and I first became friends on Facebook back in 2013. We’d been very plutonic and never crossed the line before 2017. We first met in person in August of 2015 while I was on travel from a convention. She lives in North Carolina.

    In that day, we talked for five hours straight. It was amazing. Later we started communicating more as time progressed. By 2016, we’d been on a few dates and had good clean fun. Once she’d visited my state and stayed with her girlfriend. Because her car got towed, I came over at her request to help her. Her friend had gone so we were alone in the house. I wanted to make a move but decided not to. We had chemistry indeed. I gassed up her car, hugged and sent her home.

    She’d always sent me flirty text or seductive pictures. I’d known about her on and off again boyfriend of three years, but she said he never made her a priority. He even left her home alone on Christmas while going out with his family. In January of 2017, we enter a new phase.

    I was reluctant to get sexually involved because of distance and fear. She became very aggressive and pursued it harder. We met up in February, March, April, May and June. We had explosive sex and long phone conversations and flirting text messages. Then after June, calls and texts became non existent. Each time I’d ask if everything was ok, she’d say it was. We could always talk about anything but for some reason, she couldn’t tell me her feelings changed.

    Our future plans became vague. I was just baffled. The last time I called and asked, she gave the lame, I’m sorry I was just so busy. That hurt. This from a woman who drove miles to see me. I’m crushed. I’m like what did I do so wrong that I didn’t merit a phone call. She suffers from PTSD, anxiety, chronic fatigue and a few other issues but I still adored her.

  75. Ace July 27, 2017 at 8:35 am #

    I forgot to mention, I sent her roses to work, I wrote her poetry and even gave her bubble baths. These are things she said no one has done for her. I can only say what she told me. I always called her beautiful and never disrespected her. She knew my pain of being ghosted and hurt before as I knew hers. Still none of that mattered. I proposed to by her a puppy she always wanted as well. I even painted her toes as I wanted to create a more intimate moment. I didn’t do well because I didn’t know how to but she helped me learn. I just don’t get it.

  76. KateCathy July 31, 2017 at 4:04 pm #

    I’ve just happened upon this old post – because I have just learned I have been “ghosted” 30 years ago and wanted to know more about it.The article and comments are so interesting.

    I would like to tell people this is not a new phenomenon at all. People (men mostly) have been doing it for ever.
    In my case, it was particularly painful because the man I had been going out with for a year vanished for months, then wrote me a loving letter, then vanished again, this time for good. Why do this? And how could I have been so blind?

    It took me years to recover completely. And it greatly affected my self esteem, to the point where I married the first man who proposed, even though I knew we were not a good match, but I thought no one else would want me. The marriage ended soon after of course.

    Now I have learned my “ghost” is happily married. Well I hope he matured enough to behave better and is treating his wife right. Still, when I think of the past, it makes me unhappy, even after all these years! There is definitely a ghost in my life, and I am afraid here to stay…

  77. Teffteff July 31, 2017 at 5:36 pm #

    Thanks for that article, I really needed this today.

    Just like you I had the most amazing date a few days ago. It honestly was, without lying, the best date I’ve been on in my entire life. I had a great time. The guy was sweet, polite, fun, smart, and I found him very attractive too.

    He really sounded like he had a great time too. First because he told me. Then because we talked about seeing each other again over the next few days. And he sounded really up for it. He was the one who had been suggesting it over and over again.

    When we went our separate ways (after two bars and a restaurant, almost 5 hours after meeting up – you don’t stay 5 hours with someone you find boring or repulsive do you?), he kissed me. The hottest and most amazing kiss I’ve ever had.

    Useless to say that I spent the start of the next day on a little cloud.

    I made the mistake of texting him in the afternoon, I was quite surprised he did not do it himself, but eh, we’re in 2017 I might as well and I knew he had to work. He replied politely but very coldly.

    Then nothing else. 24 hours later it was still the silence treament. And now 48 hours later, I have no choice but to accept that I’ve effectively been ghosted.

    I’ve been very distraught about this. I know he owes me nothing and we only met once. The problem is not there.

    The problem is that I’ve spend a rough past few weeks and friday evening has been the first nice evening I’ve had in weeks. He made me feel special, wanted. He made me feel good. So I feel that the rejection is even worse than any other rejection I’ve ever had in the past. Because I was so happy after that evening and he didn’t have enough consideration to be polite with me.

    I feel really bad today. My eyes are so puffy I look like I’ve been attacked by an army of wasps… I know I shouldn’t need to get validated by someone else. But damn, this really hurts.

    If he hadn’t been so nice during the date or if he hadn’t said all those things about liking me and being interested, I wouldn’t have cared, I wouldn’t have held my hopes up.

    I know this sounds pathetic, but I feel a bit like I went through a real break-up…

    • Bookish July 31, 2017 at 8:30 pm #

      Hey, 48 hours is not that bad yet.. he might be traveling or busy. Give it a bit of time, and see if he texts you back. If not, his loss, because it sounds like you were great company and a great date too. Don’t worry about the next date with him, just enjoy the night you had and know that you have even better nights ahead with another guy who will be even more into you.

    • Jennifer July 31, 2017 at 8:30 pm #

      I don’t think you’re pathetic at all – I don’t get the whole tendency of people, and in this instance, a man, to say all these things and make someone feel wonderful, and then just disappear. Why go through the whole dog & pony show? To make themselves feel better? Its maddening.

  78. TK August 4, 2017 at 7:43 pm #

    We had been friends since we were in middle school. Best of friends. Always stayed in contact with each other. About 7 months ago we connected again after our longest period of not talking. We were both going through a divorce and were happy to catch up. Things happened really fast. He told me I was the love of his life, that he wanted to give me all these things that I deserved, etc. Flew out to be with me right away. Made a point of making sure I was on board, we were together, has always respected and admired one another and fell in love. Well, when there’s already love there it’s easy. For 2 months it was nothing but planning,support, enjoying finding each other again. Then one morning he left my house… there was only texts for a week, then one 12 minute phone call where he said he would call back to talk about the distance. That was the last time I spoke to him. I received an email a month later with vague unclear excuses and haven’t heard from him since. And never responded to me when I reached out to him. 20+ years of friendship to end like that.

  79. Alisabeth August 6, 2017 at 8:14 pm #

    I loved this article! And it seems that ‘ghosting’ isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships. I’ve had supposed best friends ‘ghost’ out (which is actually what brought me to your blog today. I was looking for a distraction after finding out that a particular ‘ghost ‘ had exorcised herself right out of my life.). I just read this article and your ‘Month Without” article and I cannot wait to pull up the next article because you have a way of writing what is relative, despite any age, gender or geographical differences. Thank you!

  80. Alodia August 11, 2017 at 4:36 pm #

    I’m very late to reply this article but I guess it just means Ghosting is still the trend! Unfortunately…

    I am being ghosted right now (yeah, at this very second!) by a guy I was supposed to go on a date with. We had a few great dates and he’s been texting me everyday for the past weeks. At the beginning I was not sure but I started to really like him. Suddenly he’s just stopped reading / answering my messages. Not the first time it happens to me, and I kind of know what to do (understand he’s not for me, cut him off right away with no other chance) but the thing I struggle with the most is the emotional state this leaves me in.

    The incredible thing is – I know I would be very happy again if I just received a text saying “I don’t think this can work. Sorry.” or anything like that. It’s really the ghosting act that’s killing me.

    I just feel so depressed, and worthless, and I can’t focus on my work / my friends / the things I usually love to do. It’s like my world has turned black because of this one person who I barely know and who is clearly not worth it at all. Still, I can’t help feeling like shit. I know it’s gonna go away, I know I will pick myself up and see the light and start dreaming of Mister Right again (hopefully).

    But in the meantime – anyone here has a tip on how to get better, faster?

    • Jennifer August 11, 2017 at 9:42 pm #

      It’s hard, but I think going out and just making your self get out there and do other things really helps. Keeping busy is the best thing you can do – it changes what you are putting out there, and changes what the universe sends back at you. Its really shitty, and I completely understand…I felt exactly the same way. The only thing that helped was changing my focus, and also committing to not talking to this person for at least 30 days, because sometimes these types of people disappear and then reappear, and then disappear again…me taking ownership and saying I’m not going to contact him again, etc. really helped me. It became my choice.

    • Edith August 12, 2017 at 7:37 am #

      Hey Alodia,

      You’ve totally got company! I’m in the same boat right now, too. I’m sorry this happened to you 🙁 I wish I had some amazing words that could somehow make it one hundred times easier, but words like that always seem to be in short supply.

      Know that it’s ok and normal to feel sad. You’re grieving! When things are going well, it’s totally natural and reasonable to begin to harbor hopes for where a relationship could go in the future, and to start to have a sense of trust in the other person (which, by not being honest with you, this guy has betrayed.) It wasn’t right or decent of him. It was deceptive, and not cool at all.

      I know you said that it’s been hard to focus on the people and activities you love, so maybe this won’t help, but is there anything that you’ve wanted to do, but haven’t had time or haven’t worked up the courage to do? For me, I find that trying to improve myself for the sake of becoming a better person (in order to give back to the world in general) can sometimes help me to heal. Is there an instrument you’ve thought would be cool to know how to play? An open mic night in a coffee shop you want to play and/or sing at? A self-defense course or free online course you’ve wanted to take? Is there a form of art that you’d like to try or learn more about, like ceramics, painting, drawing, woodworking, animating, photography, or videography, programing, audio-visual engineering, or some kind of contest or fest or exhibition you could enter art you’ve already made in?

      Though the ghost-in-question will probably never know, I’ve found that taking on a manageable challenge like that helps me to gain some self-confidence back, and to know that the ghoster missed out on really getting to know a cool, well-rounded, interesting person who cares about growing and experiencing and learning new things. There’s also the very real possibility of meeting other cool people with similar interests while your at it!

      P. S. As a joke (I wouldn’t actually do it, but it made me feel better) I was telling a friend that I’m going to email my ghost boy the super-sophisticated ‘Latin’ phrase, “Ghosterz r dum,” and then start up a band by that name. Ha ha ha… 😉 #ghosterzRdum

      Hope you feel better soon!

  81. SCOTT A VINZ August 12, 2017 at 4:13 am #

    I read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”; It really helped me. It anchored me. Also look into John Gray’s book “Mars and Venus Starting Over” for healing. Then his book “Mars and Venus On A Date” where I learned about the stages of dating and how to create an attitude that puts the dating process into realistic outline so I don’t create expectations which are out of step with where the relationship is. They are fast reads and focused. I felt lightness and clarity and restfulness after reading only a few passages of Tolle’s and relief on reading Gray’s books.

    I was Ghosted and I am 54 and I thought she was the one. Shocked me since it had happened when we had an established relationship. Frankly I now pity the person who Ghosts. Laura lost a man who loved her. I lost a women who did not care at all for me. I did not lose so much as I gained a future. I can’t imagine now being with a person who is lacking that much compassion, empathy and self awareness.

    Hugs fellow Ghostee

    Scott

  82. Cece August 30, 2017 at 11:11 pm #

    I am in my teens and was recently ghosted for the first time by a guy who I thought wasn’t capable of such a thing (I had heard of ghosting before it just never happened to me or my friends before) Me and this guy video chatted most days and were really good friends then one day he just blocked me. I was devastated not just at the humiliation I felt but at the loss of someone who had become a part of my daily life. A few weeks later I found out he had a girlfriend and even though I never got an explanation I believe that is the reason for him ghosting me. I still am not fully over it and am struggling to move on, I have started to talk to another guy but I just keep comparing him to my ghost. I feel as if I will never fully understand what happened and why but at all my attempts to move on fail I wonder if anyone has any advice. -cece

  83. Eugene September 6, 2017 at 9:59 am #

    Im going through the same thing here. accept i was seeing this girl for almost 5 months now. it sucks that my presence are not felt and absence not known. I’m still trying to get over it right now. i have no idea what went wrong, where went wrong or what should i do next. i wake up everyday dreading about this and still, feels like shit.

  84. Leo September 11, 2017 at 5:10 pm #

    I love this post…
    I’m not sure yet if I’ve been ghosted by this guy or if his phone died (probably first option, tho) but what a horrible feeling it is when you don’t get a response from that special someone. After a year and a half of talking every day (we live in different continents 🙁) all of a sudden he didn’t reply.. then, he didn’t read me, then he didn’t even get my texts..
    Not sure what to do now, if I should stalk him, email him or just wait or let it go.. bah.. 🙁

  85. Laura September 11, 2017 at 6:41 pm #

    I loved this blog! I was recently ghosted by a man who I had been seeing for 3 months. We spent every day together, talked on the phone all the time, and texted regularly. He would initiate a good portion of the texts, plans, calls, etc. so I was just getting into that comfortable zone where you feel like you are dealing with a upstanding citizen. Well, one day out of nowhere, he went completely ghost. it has been 24 days and it has been very difficult. This is a 42 year old man and he should know better, but I guess not. The worst part of this is what it does to you inside. It affects your self esteem, you overthink everything, you come up with 100 scenarios…..it is horrible! Anyway, I appreciate your blog and I am glad that others can relate. I can only hope that these ghosts get to experience being ghosted at some point. A little karma may make them more thoughtful in the future.

  86. GhostingSucks September 14, 2017 at 3:15 pm #

    Shared pain is half the pain.

    It’s conforting to see that other people around the world had suffered from similar things. And realise that we are not the only one who had live this situation.

    I was ghosted by a guy, two days after meeting him.

    We talked every day for two months. He was what I needed, in every point. We live in differents countries. He also was thinking in the posibility to live with me in my country. He said that I was perfect (Yeah!) and that I make him happy.

    Two weeks after our meeting was programed, he changed. He was more distant. I asked him for the reason and he said that he was not a social-media-person. He deosn’t have Facebook or Instagram or any other profil in social media. And he said that the time he was spending with me on his phone (Whatsapp) was very exceptional. And that I shouldn’t worry about anything.

    We met, we spent a week end together in his house. He was a great host, like “mi casa es su casa”. He was tender and loving sometimes but distant other times. It was confusing. The last night, I asked him about « us » and he responded « I don’t know ». For someone who was doing plans for the futur, « I don’t know » is weird as answer. I felt rejected. We didn’t fight, we didn’t argue, but I didn’t know how make him tell me what he wanted.

    We talked on Whatsapp the same day and the day after (programming our next meeting) I returned home. Then, he has become distant again. I asked what’s going on and he blocked me.

    Three days after, I sent him an email telling him :
    – how I felt after beeing rejected like that two days after a week end spent together
    – communication exist and can solve many problems
    – asking him for the reason(s), what they could be. I wanted the truth.

    There was three weeks ago. I have no response.
    I don’t want him back, I don’t want to be with someone like him, I just want to know the reason of this kafkaesque situation.

    Knowing that you have been ghosted 3 times was sad and I felt sorry, but reading you (and the comments) maked me feel a little better. So, thank you very much for sharing.

    (Sorry for my poor english)

  87. Melissa September 24, 2017 at 4:53 am #

    This is an excellent article about ghosting. It happened to me a few weeks ago, and it’s hard to deal with when you care for the person who disappeared. It’s a cruel way to end a relationship, especially when communication is so important to me. I’d rather get a goodbye call than this! It’s a shame that people think that ghosting is an acceptable way to end a relationship. I’m dating again after getting divorced last year, so this is new to me. You’re definitely an inspiration!

  88. Olivia September 24, 2017 at 9:42 pm #

    This article is amazing, I’m so glad I found it, thank you it’s really helped me a lot and opened my eyes.
    It’s comforting too to know so many people have been through the same thing.

    I was ghosted a few months back by a guy I’d been with for quite a while. I thought he cared about me, after telling me he did, and he seemed like a really genuine and kind person, I honestly thought things were going well.

    But then messages got further apart and the excuses for not meeting up and rearranging plans started then one day just didn’t reply, I sent a message asking if everything was alright. Nothing. Then a few days later again. Nothing. I still don’t know what changed or what I did and I felt so down for so long after that and still do some days, more so recently after learning he’s got a new girlfriend.
    But you’re right, it is such a cruel way to leave someone with just nothing, especially when you cared about them. But if they don’t even care about, or respect you that much to message back then why should you care about them? Just shows their true colors.
    Thank you again, such an inspiration!

  89. Sarah September 28, 2017 at 9:49 am #

    I’ve only been online dating for a few months, but my heart has certainly taken a few knocks from complete strangers in this time, ghosting is one of the reasons!
    I also wish I could stop checking Whatsapp, the dreaded grey and blue ticks drive me insane when it comes dating!!

  90. Mark October 3, 2017 at 5:55 am #

    This was an epic representation of everything we go through and feel from start to finish in these situations; I think I am going through it right now actually – the maddening “check your phone every ten minutes” phase. This article was such a pick me up and a reminder that integrity is something that should never be overlooked. Love it. I also get the feeling there might be more gentleman reading this block than meets the eye 😉 … Happy Love Hunting y’all and keep those heads high!

  91. Sassy Pants October 16, 2017 at 11:05 pm #

    When someone ghosts me after a few dates or more and there was some sort of indication that we would see each other again or they expressed some sort of romantic interest, this is what I text them:
    “Hey, I hope you are well. I’m not one to ghost on people and quit talking out of nowhere. But it’s clear to me that things aren’t progressing between us, which is fine. I wish you the best. Take care!”

    I do this sooner rather than later because a) it gives me back the control b) it allows me to be the bigger person and c) it allows me to call them out on their shit and let them know that this type of behavior is unacceptable for me. That way if they ever have the urge to reappear in my life, they know they better leave me alone.

    I could care less if I get a response to this. I do it for my peace of mind

    I

  92. Paul October 20, 2017 at 3:37 pm #

    Thank you, everyone, for sharing your lives, loves and passion with others so freely.I can’t say I know you all well, but I can feel the palette of emotions here, as colorful as the turning leaves now falling across my neighborhood.

    At over 60 I never thought I could feel a great love again. Contrary to the belief there are plenty of others out there, you only have runaway love but a handful of times. Why it has come again after over a decade of not dating is another story entirely, and not germane to this discussion.

    I was not actually ghosted in the sense of it I have gained here. More I was cut off by attrition, by lack of any real contribution towards intimacy. Not silence, not a void, but a near vacuum where love finds no purchase. I have been “frosted”, and I don’t know which is worse.

    My great shame is that I could find no way to share my feelings with the woman who awakened this love, out of fear she would reject it, reject me. For this I deserve your contempt. A cowardly man you can do with as you see fit.

    To further the injury I hide myself from encounters with someone I only wish to love and cherish, to nurture my love. I am reverse-ghosting by avoidance. I am not strong enough, and the feelings too much to carry in her presence.

    Do I regret this happened? Perhaps I do, yet I had no say in the matter, Love happens, and we are powerless to make it so.

    Adrift where love found me anchored, I am raw and alive with an all consuming passion, driven before its fury. Alone, afraid, oh so alive.

  93. Susan November 9, 2017 at 4:21 am #

    Thoroughly enjoyed reading this! I was pursued by someone online who I decided to open up to and give a chance. I was in the middle of a long and pointless relationship going nowhere and realized I needed a crowbar and a push. We met at a very nice restaurant and surprise, I liked him!

    This is so funny because I got the same text as others described on the way home from the date that it was fabulous and he was so excited! I don’t share too much information so he asked in the text if he could know the last name of the beautiful woman he just had dinner with, LOL. He sent one text a week later to wish me Merry Christmas, I was skeptical but responded, then NOTHING. I had heard of this phenomenon but though it was for younger people, not someone self aware and over 65, HAH!

    I went through the whole process of wondering if I should google myself to see what was out there to asking myself what I did wrong or read wrong. Then I was so depressed I ended up back in the same dead end relationship. Picked myself up again looking for the confidence to believe there is something better out there and started dating again. Haven’t met anyone to connect with more than a handful of dates and a couple of good friends.

    I still remembered him as the only date with the promise of a spark but had put it behind me concluding that he was a player and moved on to greener pastures. Today he reappeared, almost a year later! A message and “interested” notice. The message was typical saying that he couldn’t believe someone had not convinced me to leave online dating yet.

    I’m considering it and weighing the knowledge that it was a cowardly thing to do with the possibility of something else. But what else could there be as an excuse that would counter rudeness?

  94. Lynn November 13, 2017 at 1:30 am #

    I was just ghosted yesterday. Getting back out on the dating scene for the first time since my divorce and this was my first encounter. We texted every day for three weeks and shared a lot about ourselves and our lives. We had two great dates and he said what a wonderful time he had and how much he enjoyed spending time with me and could talk to me about anything. He was always very complimentary and couldn’t believe how great I was. After our second date he texted me and said what a fantastic time he had and how fantastic I was. Then after a day of great texts back and forth I tried to set up a time to get together again and he said he wasn’t feeling well and perhaps another day. That was it. Nothing.

    I completely agree with all of the advice that this has nothing to do with me and it’s all about something going on with him. I think the thing I struggle with the most is that there was no sign of this happening. I like to think I have a good read on people and I tend to ask a lot of questions and I can’t believe I didn’t even see it coming. That’s the hardest part for me. Trusting my gut reaction to someone. He had even told me one thing he hated about online dating was that people can just disappear and how someone had done it to him and he thought it was awful. I really can’t believe that less than a week from telling me the story he did the same thing to me.

    That’s the worst part. Being vulnerable with someone and opening up to them trying to start a relationship and then the disappear. Feels so violating and it’s so sad that this is so common. I also figured this is something that is happening with people in their 20s and it’s a new phenomenon, but we are in our 40s and both having gone through divorces with children and all the emotional toil that takes; I thought for sure that this was not a thing I’d have to contend with at this age with all of the relationship experience you have to have had to get to this point. Guess I was wrong.

    Oh well… I guess I’ve been spared actually becoming more involved with this man (or more appropriately termed — boy) and that’s the gift of ghosting.

    I guess I would ask all of you who have experienced this… is there any forewarning? When you look back on the experience were their signs that you are dealing with a potential ghoster? That’s what I want to know to keep it in mind for the next time I meet someone that I could potentially see myself building a relationship with. Would love some advice.

    • Paul November 13, 2017 at 4:09 pm #

      It is painful being confronted with the emptiness, the silence and abandonment, especially since we are all too prone to fill that void with the worst possible scenarios. Feel compassion for yourself and, if possible, for this man. What else other than fear, doubt and poor esteem can make someone behave without compassion to others?

      Perhaps next time you meet someone you can validate your expectation to be honest and clear about the process. They have nothing to fear from you except your honesty, clarity and compassion.

      Don’t let this stand in your way to finding a sharing, loving, person who will open their heart to you. You are worthy of this. We all are.

      • Lynn November 14, 2017 at 4:08 am #

        Thanks Paul. I agree wholeheartedly. I feel that he obviously has something going on in his life that caused him to be a coward. I actually wrote to him and wished him well and told him what I thought was good about him in the hopes it could help heal the part of him that needs healing. I know this is not on me. Hard to reconcile why it’s so upsetting, but yes no point in spending time thinking of someone that no longer wants to be in contact with you. Thanks.

  95. Christine November 16, 2017 at 6:33 pm #

    I was dating this guy for two months. He lived an hour away from me but we were texting every day. I would go down to see him on the weekends and he would come up during the week. I met his two best friends and he met mine. He met MY PARENTS (briefly, but still). We spent the night at each others places multiple times. We had talked about going to Chicago together. We were dating exclusively but we had never put a label on it (because of the distance factor). But then he started canceling our plans. Twice he said something came up and once he said he never got my text. He was still responding to me though, and he had valid excuses, so although I was suspicious that he was ghosting me, I didn’t want to ask for fear of seeming irrational.

    Then, that next weekend, he just stopped responding. Ghosted. First time it’s ever happened to me too. I was (and still am; this happened semi-recently) shocked. I’ve read a few other blog posts about other people’s ghosting experience, just to help me make sense of my own, but most of them talk about ghosting after only a few dates. I hate that you were also ghosted after multiple months of a good relationship, but it makes me feel better to know that it’s not just me. The first few days after I was ghosted, I was convinced that I had done something wrong. But, you’re right, it definitely is a reflection of the other person’s maturity. It’s often hard to realize that, especially if you thought the relationship was going well, but it’s the truth.

    I’m definitely still healing. I hadn’t dated anyone in a few years and being ghosted was not a good way to end that experience. But I know it’ll get easier.

    Thank you for this great post!

    • Paul November 17, 2017 at 2:52 pm #

      To have the promise of love and happiness awakened does not, let’s face it, happen every day in most normal lives. It’s rare, fragile, ephemeral more often than not, and we are never certain of its purchase. One may get caught out in the open, vulnerable and exposed, having risked much at no small cost in that most sacred resource, which is love. As fast as it takes hold it may hasten from our grasp, vanish quicker than it alighted. Shock is an understatement. What cruel jest is this?

      Listen to how the language of fear plays in my discourse. I am afraid to hold love, to trust it again, yet love is our only guide to feel love. To not hold love in your heart is to live in fear; to doubt that which most validates and defines our existence. I am determined to hold love as fast as I can. If not for the one I desire, then for the hundred other stories of love I pass by each and every day.

      Love must be our constant companion in all things. This is our gift.

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