Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Falling In Love (The Travel Version)

by Brenna Holeman
love-in-tel-aviv
Tel Aviv, Israel

I was never one of those little girls who dreamt of their wedding day or who came up with the names of their unborn children. That is not to say that I didn’t think about love, or didn’t imagine myself with a man – I just thought about a lot of other things in my future more: education, career, travel.

It’s not that I haven’t dated or had boyfriends; I’ve never had a problem meeting men that made me laugh or that I found attractive and adventurous. All of my memorable relations with men happened while I was travelling, in Norway or Thailand, Brazil or Vietnam, Colombia or…Thailand. Thailand was really good to me. Whether it was simply a fling or something that blossomed into a longer relationship, every man I’ve been with in my adult life was met while I was on the road. But here I am, single. And I wouldn’t (I couldn’t) have it any other way.

I can cite a few examples of friends and fellow bloggers who have found love while travelling, and who have made it work. I will be honest – when I set out over two years ago to Southeast Asia, finding a romantic partner was definitely a goal of mine. I did meet someone, someone with whom I have some of my favourite travel memories. But things change, people change. When every day is no longer an adventure, when every night no longer calls for dancing on the beach under an unfamiliar sky, there can be a shift in character, in values. It has been very difficult for me to continue relationships in the past due to one overwhelming clash of personality: I want to keep going, to keep travelling. He doesn’t. He’s done.

When I left last year, then, for South America, I knew I didn’t want to fall for anyone. I wanted to stay open-minded, of course, but I had set goals for my life and not one of them included a romantic partner. I wanted to explore Central and South America unhindered by the drama that surrounds love on the road – because, no matter if it’s good or bad, there is always drama with a travel romance. I wanted to focus on my friendship with my travel partner while we spent five months together. I wanted to plan the next year of my life, to find a Master’s program and a city to call home. I had fallen prey to thinking about changing my plans for a man in the past (case in point, not once but TWICE I’ve announced to my family that I was moving to Australia; I’ve yet to move to Australia) and I realized it was finally time to concentrate whole-heartedly on the things that I had wanted when I was younger: education, career, travel. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t worry about finding a long-term partner. I didn’t worry about falling in love.

Don’t get me wrong – travel romance is incredible, full of indescribable highs. I am very romantic, but aren’t we all, us travellers? Sometimes, naturally, I feel lonely; I was recently talking with my mum and I said, “Oh my God. All of my close friends are in relationships. All of them.” And, without missing a beat, she replied, “The only reason you are still single is because you’ve chosen to be. Look at your life.” She’s right, of course (as mums are wont to be). I’ve chosen to take this path, and to take the majority of it on my own. I’ve chosen to create a life that would be difficult to keep up with, unless by chance I met someone who was travelling to all of the same regions of the world at the same time. I’m rarely in one place for long, and I’ve made sacrifices to live the life that I do. It’s understandable that I wouldn’t have met anyone who could become a permanent fixture in my life.

I know I’m not alone, though. I know that there are hundreds if not thousands of other travellers who grapple with the balance between travel and love, between a life of uncertainty and a life of stability.

And so, to you I say: let’s not worry about it. When we travel, there are so many things that can consume our thoughts, that can fill our days. Too often (especially for females) we are conditioned to believe that love is the ultimate goal, that we should give everything up for love. But we can have more. We can have different goals. The mission is not to find love, but to find the world, to find what we’re made of when we’re thrown into it. There are countries to discover, cities to wander, oceans to cross. There are new cultures to learn, new recipes and new artists and new opinions and new words. There are paths we must carve on our own, there are stories we must write for ourselves, and in doing so, we often open ourselves up to things like opportunity, to things like chance encounters, to things like love. If, by chance, we do find someone to share these things with, that is wonderful. But if we don’t, can we really complain? Can we, with the whole world ready to embrace us, with the land in front of us boundless and waiting?

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48 comments

The SoleSisters May 31, 2013 - 12:20 am

So simple yet so beautifully written. I can totally relate to falling in love on the road. My favorite lines “The mission is not to find love, but to find the world, to find what we’re made of when we’re thrown into it.” Sta beautiful Brenna!

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:06 am

Thank you so much Lois! I really appreciate your comment.

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nathellelumabad May 31, 2013 - 1:12 am

Thank you for writing this. Too often I find myself wondering why my peers have it easier when it comes to finding love. Then I realize that I shouldn’t be rushing or putting so much pressure on myself. I have the whole world in front of me, not having a boyfriend or a partner should be the least of my worries. 🙂

Maybe we’ll both cross paths someday? 🙂

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:08 am

Thank you for your comment! I totally agree with you. And yes, maybe we’ll cross paths, keep in touch!

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Tia May 31, 2013 - 1:25 am

This post made me all warm an fuzzy inside because it made me realise that I am not alone with these thought and feelings! Thank you writing this! 🙂

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:08 am

I’m glad that you could relate, Tia!

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infinitesatori May 31, 2013 - 2:09 am

Such a fantastic and well-written article Brenna. Your words resonate with me, as I have the exact same view on love as well. Especially when traveling. We must always let it be okay to fall in love, and let it be okay if we don’t.

Thank you for writing this <3

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:08 am

Completely agree with you. Thank you so much for your comment!

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Gladys Balisi May 31, 2013 - 2:16 am

I’m going back to Bangkok this August and one of my wishes is to experience the joy of falling in love while on the road. Your beautiful post reminded me the true essence of traveling and that is to see the world. 🙂

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:09 am

Thank you Gladys! May Thailand bring you lots and lots of joy.

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Kahleel Hamilton May 31, 2013 - 11:49 am

Your posts are always so well written and they resonate with me. I now live in a country where it seems that finding the man of my dreams is almost impossible. I also want to travel and see the world and I would hope that the man I meet would have the same goal. I wouldn’t want to have to sacrifice my dreams.
My belief is that the right one will come at the right time. Just continue to experience life and live each day as if it was your last.
http://www.jadeblyssjourney.blogspot.com

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:10 am

Very wise words, Kahleel! I’ve never wanted to sacrifice my dreams, either. Not yet, anyway…

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Anne June 1, 2013 - 4:20 am

I really needed to read this. Thanks.

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This Battered Suitcase June 1, 2013 - 5:10 am

xo

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Antastesia. June 2, 2013 - 9:57 am

That’s funny I made a video about that a few weeks ago.
I’m tired of having to justify myself for being single, and I’m tired of people immediatly assuming that because I’m single I’m lonely or have failed something.
Loving and being loved are two amazing things, but life has plenty of other great things to offer!
I completely agree with you!

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This Battered Suitcase June 3, 2013 - 9:44 pm

I really can’t add anything to your comment – I completely agree with you, too! People just assume that we (especially women) couldn’t possibly be happy if we’re single. Let’s prove them wrong.

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liveletlive June 3, 2013 - 4:06 am

that was beautiful! thank you 🙂

still hoping to one day hear about your travel romances

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This Battered Suitcase June 3, 2013 - 9:44 pm

Ha ha, maybe one day! There are a few men who might not want their dirty laundry aired out in public…

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Regine Garcia June 3, 2013 - 10:42 pm

This made me feel better, Brenna. Outstanding piece of writing. I shall bookmark this and read it again.

More romantic travels for you! 🙂

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This Battered Suitcase June 4, 2013 - 3:11 am

Thank you, Regine!

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Quynh Nguyen October 25, 2013 - 11:57 pm

I just love this “The mission is not to find love, but to find the world, to find what we’re made of when we’re thrown into it.” You are a very brave soul. Cheers to you!

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Brenna Holeman October 26, 2013 - 12:25 pm

Thank you so much! I’m glad that you enjoyed the piece.

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Ashley November 10, 2013 - 6:13 pm

You always manage to put my exact thoughts and feelings into such descriptive and eloquently written posts.

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Brenna Holeman November 10, 2013 - 8:32 pm

Aw, thank you so much, Ashley!

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Em December 1, 2013 - 12:17 am

This is so beautifully written. But what then – if two travelers fall in love on the road and don’t know what to do next? Do you talk about it? Would that be crazy and weird? Some people are happy to leave it hanging as a memory… I feel when they part ways it is no less painful than a breakup. It leaves me torn in my situation. Enjoying it while it lasts, not expecting more but hoping for more… And hoping that it’s not silly to the next traveler to ask if there may be something beyond the current here and now..?

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Brenna Holeman February 9, 2014 - 1:57 pm

Sorry, I just realised I missed this comment in December! I definitely think that people should talk about it, I always have. There are so many cases of people finding love on the road that it can’t be overlooked. I hope that people are honest from the outset of what their intentions are… I’ve found that the guys I’ve met usually are (as am I), so I know that when we part ways, it’s either a definitive “goodbye” or a hopeful “see you soon”.

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Farhan January 15, 2014 - 9:42 am

I can relate to this story in many ways, and oftenly, as a solo traveller, it’s always wonderful to meet a travel fling or love while on the road. This brings me back to the year where I travelled around Europe for 3.5 months. I met a Dutch guy (I’m gay by the way) in Amsterdam; got to be thankful for Gay Apps like Grindr. We met up for drinks, and then went to a ‘underwear’ themed party (sounds kinky, but it was a lot of fun) in Amsterdam. After which, we went back to his place. The moment where he took me for a ride on his bicycle, and passing through the bridge and canals in Amsterdam when it’s at 3AM is completely bliss. It was like in those romantic film commercials or trailers, with Mazzy Star’s ‘Into Dust’ playing in my ear. We continued our ‘romance’ for few days, and then it was time for him to move to London, and me, on the way to Berlin. At that point of time, it was really sweet as he was the only guy whom made me feel special. Out of that 3.5 months in Europe. In fact, I was a bit disappointed that he stop replying to all of my emails since June 2012, and finally I told myself, I can’t expect anything much from that three day romantic affair. Nevertheless, it taught me how to appreciate love and time, and to make the most out of it. Even for a short period of time. It’s those memories that will be forever yours and no one else. And from that moment I said to myself, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Nevertheless, I know there’s a chapter written in the book of my life titled, “My Love Story in Amsterdam.”

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Brenna Holeman January 15, 2014 - 2:10 pm

Wow, thank you so much for this story, Farhan. I totally relate to it: that feeling of utter bliss, especially. I’ve felt that a few times over the years, and there is nothing like it. I have also been disappointed when correspondence stops, but I try to do the same as you, rationalise that it was amazing for the time, but that those feelings can’t always be sustained. “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I truly believe that one day it will be, that one day someone will say, “Don’t go,” and, for the first time in my life, I won’t.

Thank you again, that was beautiful.

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Amy February 7, 2014 - 5:54 pm

Lovely post, I find your mum’s comment about choosing to be single really interesting as you’ve unconsciously found that travel is your biggest love and followed your heart. I have the opposite experience: when I was younger I always imagined I would travel but after meeting my husband at 17 (I’m 29 now) I guess I chose love instead. We’ve been lucky enough to take some great trips together but I do sometimes yearn for more travel. Whatever your story turns out to be, sure it will be amazing!

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Brenna Holeman February 9, 2014 - 2:00 pm

Thanks, Amy! I guess it just goes to show that we’ve all chosen different paths, and sometimes what happens is out of our hands. I’m sure if I had met the love of my life at 17 things would have been really different, too.

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Clare February 7, 2014 - 9:22 pm

I loved this post so much. And the comments too!
It’s so important to do what makes you happy; what you need to do to feed your own soul. Before I got married (three and a bit years ago at 28), I never had a serious boyfriend. It was all or nothing for me as far as relationships were concerned and I couldn’t imagine being with someone when I knew I never really believed it was for the long haul. I said I didn’t care if I ever met anyone or not. And I didn’t. I lived on my own in my own flat and I loved it. I was free, and everything was just how I liked it. Ultimately, I met the boy and stuff happened. But I never needed him and he knows that. I still don’t need him, I just love him and it’s not the same thing. He just seems like he was designed to be the other half of my double act.
Unfortunately, one thing I am always conscious of is coming across as smug now I’m married. It’s made me happy, but it is not something we should all aim for – we should just go with it, if and when it feels right. If it never does, well there’s a whole world out there and plenty of happiness in that all by itself.

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Brenna Holeman February 9, 2014 - 2:03 pm

Yeah, the comments are great!

I really like what you’ve said here, Clare – I’ve always thought that whoever I find will have to feel the same way, as in, we don’t need each other, we just want each other. Over the years I’ve become incredibly independent and self-reliant, so I can’t foresee wanting a partner who is really needy or who needs me to always choose him. Sometimes, I’m going to choose being on my own, or travelling on my own! I love your line: “He just seems like he was designed to be the other half of my double act”. And I totally agree with your last few lines, too!

Thanks a lot for your comment.

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Zalie February 8, 2014 - 1:39 am

You are right. You/we have chosen this life so we cannot complain, but sometimes it can be frustrating (especially in the last two bloody weeks)!!! xo

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Brenna Holeman February 8, 2014 - 1:41 am

No matter what we choose, there will be ups and downs. I’m sure you’re due for an upswing 🙂

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Zalie February 8, 2014 - 2:29 pm

Yes of course! We are two complicated souls sister xo

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Sheryl-Ann Stephen February 8, 2014 - 2:30 am

What a fantastic piece, Brenna! I could so relate to every word in this article. I’ve found that the key is being comfortable and confident in the choices that we have made. The following says it all: “The mission is not to find love, but to find the world, to find what we’re made of when we’re thrown into it.”

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Brenna Holeman February 9, 2014 - 1:58 pm

Totally – I’m so comfortable with my choices, and I think that’s why I’m still so happy about the situation. I try not to live with any regrets!

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Stacey February 8, 2014 - 8:22 am

Wow post. It can sometimes be hard to justify choosing to prioritize travel. I’m 25 and I’ve never had a proper relationship, as I’ve always been living somewhere short-term. I refuse to leave and have my heart broken, because when it comes down to it I will always leave.
I’m starting to realize that maybe I should be taking a chance and appreciating a short-term romance for what it is, instead of waiting for it to crash and burn.

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Brenna Holeman February 9, 2014 - 1:59 pm

I see nothing wrong with short-term romance, though it can be really hard to part ways sometimes. It can be a really fun way to travel, though, and to find out more about yourself! At the end of the day, I say do whatever you want – if travel takes top priority, so be it!

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Claire Eloise March 3, 2014 - 3:28 am

I absolutely love this post. I have the best love affairs with the places I visit, and i wouldn’t swap that for any guy or girl. But that’s my choice like your mum said.

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Brenna Holeman March 3, 2014 - 11:07 am

Thank you so much Claire – I’m glad you could relate!

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Wilfy @ Wilfys.com March 10, 2014 - 7:56 am

Beautifully written! It does happen, and the confusing part is will it last?
But if you take it from me maybe you can’t pass up the opportunity to find abroad.
I found my soulmate while backpacking through Australia! 🙂

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Brenna Holeman March 10, 2014 - 11:49 am

I’m glad you found your soulmate, Wilfy! That’s great that travelling brought you together.

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Grace July 29, 2014 - 2:04 pm

Wow!! This is perfect and completely resounds with my view on love! If two paths are meant to cross they will eventually in the right time and place. Being single and travelling has proveded me with so many opportunities that I am thankful for. Right now I am travelling for ME, taking chances than a solely my own and learning so much. I would not have it any other way! Like your mum said you are single by your own choice and living the way you desire, which is a blessing!

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Brenna Holeman July 29, 2014 - 4:36 pm

Very true, thank you for your comment, Grace! I hope that you have an incredible time on your travels.

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Katie December 30, 2016 - 6:30 pm

So beautiful. One single human being to love is not the ultimate goal in life, for me, for you. I’m so happy you put into words why this is a reality!

Reply

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