I haven’t written much about being a single mom on this blog… mainly because I’ve been too busy, you know, being a single mom. As someone who has been a single parent since day one (my son’s father and I split up when I was ten weeks pregnant), I now have a beautiful three-year-old boy who is my entire world. And while I’ve always loved holiday celebrations, whether it’s Christmas, someone’s birthday, or Halloween, I must admit that I sometimes find these holidays to be the most challenging days as a single parent.
I grew up in a traditional nuclear family – mom, dad, sister, and brother – and some of my favourite memories as a kid are of these celebrations. I find I put a lot of pressure on myself to recreate those memories for my own son, even though it’s just the two of us. This can be compounded by the loneliness I often feel on these days, especially if my son is spending the actual day with his dad. This past Christmas, for example? He was with his dad on December 22nd through the 25th. It was tough.
And for a holiday like Mother’s Day, one that is specifically about parenthood and motherhood? That can evoke a range of emotions. Loneliness, for sure. Sadness, disappointment, regret, envy, shame, anger… the list goes on. But as I prepare to spend my fourth Mother’s Day as a single mom, I wanted to outline some of the ways I’ve turned this day from something I’ve felt sad about to something I can celebrate and actually enjoy.
Here are my top tips for celebrating Mother’s Day as a single mom.
Mother’s Day as a Single Mom
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself
Personally, this is the most important thing I try to remember on Mother’s Day as a single parent. If you can let go of that pressure to make it the “perfect day” for you and your kids, you’ll have a lot more fun, trust me. I often put a lot of pressure on myself to plan special events and make sure Mother’s Day (or any holiday) really stands out from the average day, sometimes to the point where I feel stressed or tired instead of relaxed and happy.
The most important thing on any holiday is that you and your kids have fun. That’s it. If you truly want to go to brunch and then the petting zoo and then the park and then the movies and then out for dinner, great! Do it! But if you want to just spend a cozy day at home watching movies and making a few crafts, that’s great, too.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to plan this Mother’s Day for me and my son. I thought about a local carnival, I thought about different restaurants, I thought about driving out to a nearby beach for a picnic. But in the end, I decided I want to be home in the backyard with him, playing in the sandbox and reading books on the deck. Now that I’ve let go of that pressure to make it so elaborate, I’m really looking forward to it.
Remember: Mother’s Day is for you. It’s to celebrate you. Do what you love to do, and don’t feel any guilt about it.
Let go of the pressure to make Mother’s Day the most special day ever, especially if you’re a newly single mom and are navigating tough emotions at the same time.
Flip the narrative
As I mentioned, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that my son has nothing but happy memories on special days. I get in my head, wondering if he’ll one day resent me or resent his situation because he doesn’t have a traditional nuclear family of two parents (and maybe a sibling or two).
But that’s an extremely unhealthy narrative to focus on, and it won’t do either of us any favours.
Instead, something I’ve been working on over the past few years as a single mom is flipping the narrative. Instead of focusing on the things I don’t have – anything from the huge things (a partner I live with and who can help with daily parenting) to the small things (someone bringing me breakfast in bed with my son on a special day) – I focus on the abundance of things I do have.
By focusing on these things that I do have in my life, and that I can offer my son, I remind myself of just how good our lives are. Again, these can range from the huge things (a safe home to call our own, our health) to the small things (dance parties, cupcakes, counting the daffodils that have already bloomed).
And when I reflect on all the good that we do have in our lives, I’m quickly humbled into ever feeling bad about, let’s say, missing that breakfast in bed. Because we have such joyous, laughter-filled, love-filled lives, and that’s truly all that matters. And as long as I bring that attitude into a day like Mother’s Day, it’ll be a good day no matter what.
(And just in case this sounds a bit too much like toxic positivity, keep reading until the end, where I discuss how important it is to honour your feelings, even the bad ones.)
Get offline
For me, being online on days that I’m feeling low always makes me feel so much worse. In the past, I’ve struggled with scrolling through social media on holidays like Mother’s Day, seeing post after post of happy families, partners celebrating each other, etc. Study after study has already proven that social media can have an impact on mental health, potentially leading to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and stress. I sometimes find myself comparing my life to others on social media, especially on “big” days like Mother’s Day or Christmas.
The solution is easy. Get offline for a few days! On these big days, I make a point of not being on my phone anyway, as it’s important to be present in the moment with my son. And if or when you want to, you can always post your own photos or stories of your special day to commemorate it, but as is the through line in this article: don’t put pressure on yourself to do so.
Remember that a day is just a day
I tell myself this a lot in my coparenting journey, especially as I often split holidays with my son’s dad (so, for example, my son might spend Christmas morning with his dad and the afternoon with me). Although we have it in our coparenting contract that Mother’s Day is always to be spent with me and Father’s Day is always to be spent with him regardless of whose actual parenting day it is, I understand that not everyone might have that flexibility.
And so, I tell myself this often: a day is just a day. It doesn’t matter if you celebrate Mother’s Day a week earlier or a week later. It doesn’t matter if the Sunday felt a little hard and so you decide to redo it on Monday. Release yourself of that pressure to make the actual calendar day perfect and you’ll feel a lot better.
Create a tradition for you and your kids
Mother’s Day is a fantastic day to create a tradition in your family, whether that’s making pancakes together, going for a neighbourhood walk, watching a certain movie, working on a craft, or whatever it is that you and your kids love to do together. When I remember my childhood, I remember a lot of these traditions, even if they were as simple as a certain meal. Having that routine gives both you and your kids something to look forward to and creates happy memories for everyone.
Talk to your coparent (if you have one)
I’m very lucky that I have an active coparent who is willing to be flexible with scheduling; I know that not every single parent has that. From the beginning, we’ve always been clear that we wanted our son to spend time with both of us on special holidays like birthdays and Christmas. For Mother’s Day, however, that day is for me regardless of the parenting schedule (just as Father’s Day is for him).
If it’s possible, having clear expectations of your coparenting situation long before Mother’s Day actually arrives can reduce stress on the day. Talk to your coparent well in advance about how you’ll manage parenting on that day so that there aren’t any surprises.
Lean into self-care
I promised myself I wouldn’t write something as contrived as “take a long bubble bath” in this post but, damn it, if taking a long bubble bath is self-care to you, yes, take the bath! I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the idea of self-care because it can be so glamorized online, exemplified in videos of expensive spa days or vacations. At the end of the day, though, I now see self-care as doing something for myself that I know will make me feel rejuvenated about life.
Sometimes that includes going for a long walk and listening to a podcast. Sometimes that involves writing a letter to a friend. Oftentimes it includes making a nice dinner for myself, opening up a bottle of wine, and rewatching RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars: All Winners for the millionth time. And yes, for me, a lot of times that’s a bubble bath and a great book.
On Mother’s Day, or as close to the day as possible, try to carve out some time to do whatever you want, and – and this is the key part of it all – not feel bad about it. I think most parents feel extraordinarily guilty for taking time for ourselves and/or not being productive for every minute of the day. Try to lean into self-care, however that looks for you, and remember that you absolutely deserve this time to yourself.
Reflect on your time as a mom
I’m constantly reflecting on motherhood and thinking about where I’m succeeding (and where I might need to improve). On Mother’s Day, I take the time to reflect on and even write down the aspects of being a mom that I absolutely love. In my experience, because I don’t have a partner who lives with me and sees me parent on a daily basis, I don’t have someone to bounce ideas off of in the moment, to discuss certain situations that pertain to my son, or even to witness all of the good (and the occasional bad). Taking the time to reflect on what I’m enjoying, what I’m learning, and what I’d like to improve on is a good way to manage those feelings.
I’ve been trying to keep up a gratitude journal, but another idea I have is to write down fun and happy memories on individual slips of paper and keep them in a special jar. On Mother’s Day, it would be so lovely to pull out those slips and reflect on just how many happy memories I have with my son.
It would be nice to have someone constantly reminding you what a great mom you are. But sometimes, as us single moms know, it’s even more important to do that for yourself. Take the time on Mother’s Day to do just that.
Reach out to others
If this post and any other post I’ve written about single motherhood can leave you with one thing, it’s this: there are so many of us out there. I felt so isolated in my pregnancy because I didn’t know anyone else who had been dumped while pregnant. Once I started putting my story out there, however, I ended up chatting with multiple women who had gone through the same thing.
The same goes for single parenthood. In Canada, 17% of households are single-parent households. That’s almost one in five! On my block of about 30 houses, with about 12 of those houses having kids, there are six single moms. Six in one block!! I told you: there are so many single parents out there, and there is no shame in being a single parent. Reach out to others and see if you can arrange an event, a little party, anything that might be fun for you (with or without the kids).
In the same vein, reach out to your family and friends for support. Navigating being a single parent can be really hard sometimes, and it’s OK to express that to others. Lean into your community as much as you can; being a single parent can be very isolating, especially at the holidays, and now is the time to reach out to those you can count on for support.
Check out Mother’s Day events in your area
As Mother’s Day falls on a weekend, there are often lots of wonderful events that celebrate the day: special brunches, craft markets, community events, and so on. Do some research and find out if there’s anything happening in your area that will be fun for both you and the kids. But again, only if it’s something you feel like doing! No pressure if all you want to do is stay at home (like I’ll be doing with my son).
Focus on what actually matters
Again, I don’t want to sound trite, but at the end of the day, Mother’s Day isn’t about the flowers. It isn’t about the breakfast in bed or some lavish gift. It’s about sharing the love you have for your kids and the love they have for you. Do I wish I had those things sometimes? Of course! But I also know that I probably won’t remember the specific flowers in 20, 30, 40 years. What I will remember? The quality time I’m spending with my son. The laughs. The cuddles. The joy I have in being around him. The simple things, as it were, which are often the most important things in life.
And best of all, it’s what your kids will remember, too. Think of this: can you remember the present you got for your 9th birthday? What about what was in your Christmas stocking when you were five years old? I can remember exactly two specific gifts I received as a kid and everything else is a big blur (if not completely forgotten). What I do remember? All of the amazing times I had with my family.
And that? That’s what really, truly matters.
Honour your feelings
Remember what I said in the first point, about flipping the narrative? That is definitely something that has worked for me over the years. Does it work every single time, so that every holiday has been a happy one for me? Nope.
As time passes, some situations undoubtedly become easier, including holidays. This past Christmas didn’t hit me as hard as previous Christmases as a single mom, for example. But that’s not to say that I feel good all the time, or that I don’t experience negative emotions. As mentioned above, loneliness is a big one for me, but I’ve also felt anger, sadness, regret, shame, and grief over the years.
As important as it is to try to flip the narrative and focus on the good, I also believe it’s important to honour your feelings, as big and as messy as they are. Whether that’s having a good cry after your kids go to sleep, talking with a trusted person, writing in your journal… all of these feelings are valid.
And remember what I said above: a day is just a day. Was this not the Mother’s Day you had hoped for? Maybe you were unable to flip the narrative, and it felt quite lonely or sad? That’s ok. You can try again. Have a redo of the pancakes, or take the kids to the park for a picnic the following week. Have a bath and read a favourite book on a night when you’re feeling peaceful. Go out for a drink with a friend and vent about whatever you need to vent about.
Mother’s Day is your day, however you’d like to celebrate it, and there’s no shame in needing a second try, especially if celebrating Mother’s Day as a single mom is relatively new to you.
As this is my fourth Mother’s Day as a single mom, I feel a lot more relaxed and prepared for the day. This year, I’m not putting any pressure on myself to make it some elaborately special day. I have a fun day planned for me and my son at home, but I’m also fitting in a few moments of self-care in there. And if it doesn’t go as planned, I’ll redo it! I know now that it’s not as big a deal as I’ve made it out to be in the past. Again: Mother’s Day is for you, and the day should be about what you want to do.
At the end of the day, I’m focusing on quality time with my son, not what I should be doing or what I might be missing out on. And that’s the most important thing of all.
Have you ever spent Mother’s Day as a single mom? What advice would you add to this list?
